In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

Hi and thanks for your response! I agree that I have to gain control of my emotions. I have been panicking for 6 months now because the pain is so great. I know that makes me unattractive. I also know that if I bottle up my feelings, I'll become sick. I feel so betrayed b/c I stayed with him through all of his rage and emotional abuse, hoping that after today he'd start to heal from our friend's murder. And for him to then announce that HE wants a divorce? I felt blind-sided. I guess that is normal.

I have been GALing. I've lost over 20 lbs. since the bomb and I have been working out every two days. I do work outside of the home and have been a very successful professional, soon will be earning more than him in fact. So I already have a pretty full life without him. I am planning to go on a vacation with our son without him. He was invited but declined to come.

Today I am bitter and probably came across that way in my post. The vacillating between working on things and divorce is making me mental. But, honestly, I am the positive one in this relationship. I have been telling him that we have strengths in our R and have never really tried to work on things. He gave up on us having a baby and I never did; I forged on, healed myself, and voila we have a son! I have been trying to be the eternal optimist lately, carrying the marriage flag by myself, reading DB and DR and everything I can get my hands on about why working it out would be better for our family. I've done really well in MC sessions, not talking too much and just validating all of his feelings. I even agreed to not discuss the EAs in counseling and even showed concern that, after he cut off contact with these women, I know it must have been hard for him to not have their support anymore! Ok, so is that not putting myself and my hurt second???? Before I found out about his relationship with the therapist, I was doing well with DBing. But a person can only take so much.

The hardest part for me is this...how can I forgive these infidelities in only a few weeks since their revelation when he hasn't been able to forgive me for anything for the past 12 years? I can forgive him. But if I do and it still doesn't change the way he feels, I'll feel victimized and rejected yet again! He can't forget the past, which is why we are stuck here. He has said to me that "the past is the predictor of the future."