Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

I am feeling a little better today, except really tired as I didn't sleep that well last night. But planning on catching up tonight. Not quite laughing yet...but not feeling horrified about it, letting it go now.

I decided not to meet H today, was so tired and didn't want to handle the drama, I didn't want to make myself feel worse and said I'd let him know about tomorrow(as still wasn't sure if I even wanted to go). But late tonight he cancelled anyway. I felt a little bit good that I didn't go see him just bc he wanted me to and that I did what I thought would benefit me the most, ie not going.

Thanks you guys for all the input, it really does help me think things thru and see what other experiences have been. I feel I can then make choices easier.

Thanks for taking the time to re-posting to me Kara it was helpful to read your thoughts...

For sure you will feel better but at what cost? This really stuck out to me...I was thinking I'd feel better for getting it off my chest and standing up for myself, but at what cost would that be? That is a good question. I will keep thinking on that.

I think that OM/OW secretly feel smug and have a sense of one upmanship as in I got something that is yours

I can see where this could be true, and maybe it is, but in my case I know this woman and I think her reaction would be different, I think she would be pretty horrified I'd contacted her and dare I say even feel some shame at her own behavior. But then I can't predict her reaction. But I am sure that H would try to 'run to her rescue' and I'm sure she would love that.

But I do agree with this... don't let them think that they have you licked

Holly, go figure about your H's reaction to the whole unfriending thing on FB, I can't believe the comment he said about "12 years and they just cut me out of their lives!" It almost does make me laugh! I mean(certainly in my case anyway) what does he think walking a way from our M is, I could say the same thing back...After all these years YOU can just cut me out of your life!! The nerve! Its like they dont even think before they speak sometimes or see how everything thing relates back.

And your right mnt, he doesn't have any right to even suggest control over who I talk to about things. I think he was initially really angry but then was like 'whatever' (eventho I didn't really believe that part of the attitude, I think he was just trying to change his reaction and act like he was not bothered...but I know mind reading!) and then finally was like ok sorry.

I think he is worried about who I talk to and what I say, especially to people we both know eventho he tries to blow it off like I'm worried what people will think about me. He mentioned some lame comment a week or so ago about how 'he's the kind of person that likes to work all his stuff out in private and tell people when he is sure that what he wants and what he has is what he wants,' it all got a bit confusing but I just thought do you even know what your saying! It almost read like, I want to make sure this is what I want before people find out this is what I DID, ie, don't tell on me. I obviously did not even waste my time saying anything back to that.

Anyway just venting and journaling a bit tonight. Not taking any actions today. Think I've done enough for one week already! lol. need a break.

I have been thinking tonight, realized some things and I think I need to...

1. Stop letting H make choices for me, or stop feeling like he is making them for me, I need to make them for me before he does. I guess feeling more in control and taking more control for me sums it up.

2.Stop reading into his words, its a waste of time and I probably won't figure it out anyway (this one is hard for me)

3. Stop acting out of fear. (this one is super hard for me)

In all honesty I know I should be doing these anyway but when I am strong I start out good then let it slip when I don't feel so strong. I know these will be hard for me to fully realize in my actions, but I have started the work on them, and just being able to identify them I feel helps me to make some steps. So a few things to take forward.

Gosh what a thoughtful, reflective mode I am in tonight. I think I will give it a rest and get some rest!!