In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

Hello. Never thought I'd be here...I'm sure others can relate to that statement. Basics on my sitch are below and would love some feedback from other DBers on how to cope.

Me 39
Him 41
Married 17 yrs
Together 21 yrs
One son, 4

Too many problems to list completely here that contributed to our current state and his emotional detachment from our R, but basically he dropped divorce bomb on me this spring. Should have been the other way around b/c he has been emotionally abusive to me and our son since moving 3 yrs. ago to this "hellmouth" we live in. I'll try to be brief and keep things to the highlights. Here goes...thanx in advance for reading.

In 1997, I was the WAW telling him I wanted a divorce b/c I was unhappy with our R, and I guess he's resented me ever since. So he's held me in contempt for a long time and held on to that pain. Actually, I think he's held on to pain for his whole life and now I'm the easiest target to blame for it all. I have been guilty of financial infidelities through the years (all of which I argue were for ultimate good, like getting a 2nd master's degree, infertility treatment, etc.), so that has changed the way he sees me.

Fast forward to 2000, then we had a lot of trouble conceiving a child...more resentment of me b/c he wanted to be a father sooner, I should have just "lost the weight" like he said to avoid infertility. (How callous is that?) I had several miscarriages, but after changing my life and getting healthy, embracing alternative treatments, got pregnant without any infertility drugs or treatments and have a perfect little boy.

In 2006, our world blew apart. One of his best friends was brutally murdered and that led to a series of decisions that has basically trashed our lives. He moved b/c he thought he was getting me out of job in which I was horribly maltreated after having our son, getting us closer to family, out of debt, and getting him closer to his friend's murder investigation. We moved for all of the wrong reasons. Our life pre-move was pretty great. We had a nice house and owed very little money on it. We had lots of comforts in terms of our jobs and great friends, great lifestyle. Because of our friend's murder, H was still in no place to make such a life altering decision. Everything about our life post-move sucks. Our jobs are more complicated here, our salaries are much worse, healthcare is terrible, everything. We tried to move back to our old city in a different state within the first year, but I couldn't find a job. His was waiting for him to return... More resentment of me! I tried so hard to find a job and spent all of my time doing it. We should have just moved back on one salary because maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

So now he resents me for all of it---he hates his job, hates where we live and hates that his life is like this. All of his hate and rage over everything in our life together gets blamed on me. He detached from "us" b/c he says that the last straw was a big fight that we had where I told him that I hated him. I just hated the way he was treating me and our son. He screamed at us, threw things, told me to "Get out!" all the time. I wasn't supportive of him through his friend's murder because I just didn't know what to do and our son needed at least one of us to be "normal" and take care of him; he just wanted to rage at me and I withdrew for my own emotional and our son's emotional safety. He obsessed over getting revenge and justice for his friend's murder. And when I wouldn't get on the "victim" boat with him, that's when I think he detached.

Now he's made me the victim. After he dropped the bomb, I did all of the wrong things: begged, pleaded, fell apart, told him that I couldn't live without him. He was shocked. He thought I was in the "same place" as him b/c I had been saying I wanted a divorce. But I was just in pain too and my reverse psychology backfired. I had no cards left to throw out other than divorce. What a mistake!

I asked if there was OP involved, if he was in love w/someone else. He said no. But, I just couldn't believe he felt this way. My Dad said, "There is always another woman." So that led me to do some digging. I found out that he'd been calling this OW for the past year talking about their friend's murder. He denied anything physical, which I believe b/c she was in CA. But, they emailed 10x/day, called when I wasn't home, and spent a lot of time together emotionally. I confronted him about what I called the emotional affair. Again denial...”we're just friends” who bonded over our friend’s murder.

Then in April 2009, I found a box of condoms (with only one missing) in the garbage! He registered with Ashley Madison. I confronted him with this evidence and he said that yes, he'd "looked into" having an affair, that he wanted to have an affair. But that he couldn't go through with it b/c that was not the kind of lifestyle he could live, that he wanted more than a one-night stand. He denies ever acting on those desires, and I believe him. He threw the condoms away b/c he couldn't "do that to me" and especially now knowing that I want to save the marriage.

Ok, so I pick myself up from all of this and try to believe that nothing happened with the OP he was calling. I have been DBing, GALing, trying to have a plan for a new life for myself. Then I do a total non-DB thing thinking I'm going to "trust but verify" and put surveillance software on our computer. (I wear the IT belt in our family.) Well, I found out that he'd been emailing someone else, his therapist! He'd been seeing her for over a year in therapy. H said he was done with therapy in April but asked therapist if he could call her if he needed help until our friend's murderer was going to be sentenced on June 1st (ironically today). Therapist/social worker should not have allowed this "friendship" to continue, but I believe she was interested in having an affair with my H. Since mid-April, they have been calling a few times each week, emailing, and he saw her once in her office as a non-patient. HUGE violation of social worker ethics. But I digress. Then I found emails from only her, in a private email account H created where she professed that he was a gift to her, that her heart ached when they were not together, that she wished it wasn't so complicated and that she "could not walk away..." Well, you can imagine how I reacted. I've been a basketcase! I trapped her into emailing me and confronted them both. They both deny it was anything more than a friendship, but I believe she was targeting him for an affair. I think my H was flattered by her attention and I know he finds her attractive. She's one of those women who uses their sexuality to control men, chew them up and spit them out. Aside from the professional ethical violations, this was totally disrespectful to me. I even poured my heart out to his social worker in January worried about H b/c he was so despondent, depressed, and got very drunk. I told her how much I loved him and wanted to help him through this crisis, that I was tired of fighting, that he’d been emotionally abusive to us. Bottom line, she exploited their relationship for her own personal gain…that is until I put a dead stop to it.

H agreed to have NO CONTACT with either of these people again. I threatened to report his therapist and, no surprise, he came to her rescue saying he wants to put all of this behind us and that he doesn’t want her kids to suffer b/c of her mistake. He didn't even want me to bring any of this up in MC!!!! He didn't even want me to tell my C about it. What a hypocrit! He expects me to get over this in 2 weeks when he hasn't been able to get over anything from the past 12 years! That's the utter irony b/c even if I forgive and forget, he's "still in the same place with our marriage." He said it was his fault with his therapist b/c he asked her to keep in contact. Ugh. His loyalties are so misplaced b/c she “helped him” with his grief over his friend’s murder. He says he was just as surprised about her pouring out her love for him.

Yesterday, I confronted this woman in public and swore up and down the street with our son nearby. H restrained me (instead of taking our son away) and now I have bruises all over my arms. It felt good for me b/c I was able to tell her what an awful person she was and humiliate her in public. Problem is I know that it was embarrassing to my H and he's disgusted with me. He says I've been acting irrationally, which I have. But given the circumstances, I feel entitled. I was really evil in doing it that way. But I’ve been in so much pain and neither one of them seems to even care or have any remorse for what they were doing!

Now H wants nothing to do with me. I'm alone with all of this pain, betrayal, and humiliation and he keeps saying that he did nothing more than shake her hand. I needed to emotionally vomit on her for what she tried to do to my family and how she tried to exploit my H via their therapist/client relationship. It makes me so sick. He can't even see how wrong it was. It has been eating me alive to the point of not being able to function. So I don’t regret what I did. But it seems that it just pushed H more away.

Now we are at a standstill. I think H wants a divorce now more than ever. From the beginning, I have said that I wanted to work on things. Financially we are stuck b/c of the economy. I just can't seem to stop backsliding. Maybe this means I'm really done with this M now too? Maybe I have to walk away… I just can’t take any more pain, and I know a divorce will eat me alive.

Anyone have even a crumb of advice? Especially from the men out there? I did a 180 today and said that I don't know if I want to save this marriage anymore either. We just need peace for our son's sake and need to stop talking about the R. That we can agree on. The worst part is that I still love him despite the disrespect, betrayal, lies, and cold-heartedness. He says that he "cares about me deeply" and still loves me. He just doesn't love our relationship and doesn't know if he can ever feel differently about me. It hurts so much. When I found out about the therapist, we had sex for the first time in months! So there is still love. I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep for a long time... My optimism is quickly drying up.