Desperate for direction

[Doingitright]

New question...Here is the back ground...
W keeps saying she knew it would never happen with the OM. That it was safe for her to have the fantasy as he would never act on anything; too far away, married happily blah, blah, blah. That seems to be W's face saving approach. This just sticks like a knife in my heart as I know it is just what she has to tell me and herself to lessen the severity of what she was doing. And after being caught time and time again.

W has now focused on her problem with OM as being no worse than my hiring someone and using software to find things out. It was all done when the D was coming (not an excuse just a fact). I told her about it almost 2 months ago. Recently W stated what I did was against the law etc etc.

Well W recently found old emails on this subject and excerpts of her emails with OM. This was done by W hacking my account. They were the last remaining items of the nightmare. They were deleted in the last few days along with all other remnants of the dark time. Over the weekend W announced she looked at the details some time last week. It couldn't have been but a day or 2 before I deleted everything. I had no idea she had done it when i deleted everything.

I think "ironic" fits as the label here. Now she wants to know who I hired so things (our healing as a couple) can move forward. I of course don't have the details as it is all gone. So she doesn't believe me.

Question......
Has anyone experienced this effect or process? Trying to even the score and change what history happened. The trust thing is just so hard to rebuild. Every time we start down the path of trust building W has some other thing pop out.

W just doesn't get it that I have been here waiting and trying to save the marriage.. This while W was out at fantasy camp for 4 months. Even when the D was what we were heading for I was still holding the pieces together.

Now it is a tit for tat sitch. Very frustrating. Like being stuck in the mud with your car and having only 4th gear...spin those wheels baby, spin those wheels. But never get out of the mud just build a rut. Other areas of the relationship have moved forward to being better than pre-bomb, but the trust area is still mired and spinning those wheels.