Mother's Day Disaster

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

I am sorry about the sum you have to pay your H for child support. It doesn't seem fair. I think your decision to change laywers is a good one.

I can understand that you feel a mess but I hope for you that your getting drunk will not become a habit. - Take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

TL thank you. It won't become a habit I just needed the release (rightly or wrongly).

I had a fantastic afternoon with all 3 of my children. D19 came home for a few hours to celebrate D14s bday. I bought her a Wii and after we had sat and had lunch in the garden we spent most of the rest of the afternoon laughing and learning how to play the games on the Wii. S16 has used one before and I thought he would get bored and leave but he didn't. He was very patient and showed us all how things worked and I even commented that I wished this type of console (as opposed to a playstation) had been availabe when they were much younger as I think it would have given us hours of pleasure as a family. They all agreed.

I did get the opportunity to sit down in private with S16 and talk to him about what happened yesterday. As he is Hs latest form of weapon against me I thought it only fair. He was extremely shocked when I told him what had happened and clearly had no idea what has been going on. When he went to live there he told H that he didn't want to know what was happening with the D and H has clearly used this to his advantage. He asked me several times why H was doing this and I told him I didn't know other than wanting to see me out on the streets. As he knew nothing about anything that has happened since he left here I had a lot to backtrack on in order to enable him to understand how things had got to the stage we reached yesterday (at his request). He did ask how he could change things and I went through the only 3 options: come home, split his time between me and H, leave college and get a job. I made it clear that I definately don't want him to do the last. I also made it clear that he had to do what was right for him but he had to understand that in doing so there were now definate ramifications for me and his sisters. I think he understood this. What was good about this conversation is that he listened, he asked questions and for the first time in a very long time he didn't try to defend H. In fact he openly told me some things about H that I didn't know but may prove to be useful information in the days going forward. He did not choose to come home today (and may never choose this) but my son has always been a thinker and I know he will go away and cogitate on this and come to a decision that he thinks is right. I'm prepared for that decision to be totally different to the one I would like him to make but at least now he can make a decision based on all the facts.

D14 also went back to Hs tonight. However considering her original affirmation not to spend any of her bday with either me or H I think I can consider that she spent the best part of it with me and I'm so grateful for that. Tomorrow H has organised a party for her at his new rented accomodation. Outwardly he says it is her bday party but actually it's just an excuse to have people over to show off the accomodation. She has not been allowed to invite any of her friends, everyone on the guest list is in Hs family. So BIL and his family will be there (his kids are much younger than mine0, MIL and two of Hs aunts will be there (one with her husband and one by herself), S16 (and prob his GF) will be there. D19 has not been invited (as she remarked today but thankfully made clear she knew it wasn't D14s fault). H has even told D14 to make sure her room is tidy as people may want to look around the house! So I think I can clearly state that after nearly 4yrs H is still most definately in replay.

I'm really worried about S16s education. He is not revising for his exams, isn't sure whether he wants to go to uni (which is fine) but equally does not know if he wants to get a job either or even if he did what he would like that job to be. He has learnt from H to be an avoider and so when I tried to discuss it with him he clammed up saying he didn't know what to say b/c he hadn't thought about any of it. Surprisingly even this conversation remained calm. Something is clearly bugging him (and has been even before today) and I know that whatever it is he will be putting to the back of his mind hoping it will go away (I even told him that I knew he would be doing this) as this has always been his way of dealing with uncomfortable issues. He is on the verge of being a man and yet seems to have no drive and ambition to take his life forward to give himself something to be proud of. Being a parent in the first place is not easy (at least not for me) but being a reluctant absent parent is breaking my heart b/c I feel that I am letting him down at the one time in his life when he needs me.

This post is already long enough so I will finish there. Thanks if you read this far

[Flicka]

I think you would be/should be angry. You are inclined to fight back and that is not wrong, just not helpful, sometimes. I am married to a bad Britt. I am sad and dismayed with you and about you. Your kids are youngish and you try hard to keep them with you for lots of reasons, some financial. I read and read. As a mother of sons, I need you to post more about why you love your teen aged werewolf. I do know, but probably, others, wonder. And your were-wolf-puppy -brat, your funny daughter. I really like her and love to read about how mean she is to you. not really, but sort of. She is just furious and funny. Your son is not. I would cut off his blood supply. {his allowance...}

So, I know this is not in the context of what you are typing today....

I am just reading along and hoping you are doing well. I am not,really. I think I am, like you, getting ready to jump ship.

I am enthused to think that some discarded wifey on this board is powerful that she could actually be paying that kind of support for you your mean kids. You rock. Jeeze. That is divine. I don't agree that you should just pay it, I am just so in awe that somebody that types here actually has the resources to fight back.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! I can see your utter frustration with all this --- who wouldn't be. Your H plays games, deserts the kids then they go to him, uses the kids against you (all so unfair), and you have tried so hard not to do the same. In a way, I am glad you told your son what's going on --- he's old enough. I reckon D14 goes back to H because that's the only way she has him, whereas, she knows you'll always be there for her.

Try not to worry too much about S16 --- he will find his way. Just love him, be interested in whatever he's doing (even if you don't agree) and let your early mothering do it's job. Nothing more you can do now but encourage and be his cheerleader. The same goes for the other children except D14 still needs boundaries.

Anyway, that's my 2c worth.

[Truelove]

HI ACJ,
I hope you had a pleasant week-end despite your problems.

Have a lovely week. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

thanks Flicka.

I need you to post more about why you love your teen aged werewolf.

It's simple. He's my son.

I would cut off his blood supply. {his allowance...}

Up until I got the telephone call on Friday I wasn't giving him any money as all the benefits I got for him stopped when he went to live with his dad. Ironically his dad is not eligible for them b/c he and GF earn too much between them. So they are lost to the family. Also S16 has a job at weekends and so as far as I can make out in the main he buys his own clothes etc now. That is why I am so cross about this unreasonable but apparently lawful demand.

I got another call from the CSA today telling me how much I will need to pay each month. It isn't as high as I originally thought but it is still high enough that it will leave me with nothing once all my bills are paid and D14 and i have eaten.

Off to see a new L tomorrow.

[ACJ]

I reckon D14 goes back to H because that's the only way she has him

BM this is spot on. Doesn't help me financially though.

D14 told me tonight that H has asked her to go round tomorrow to discuss trip to Czech Republic. She told me a month was too long. She asked me outright if I wanted her to go. I told her I would only sanction it if her dad went with her. I expected a fight over this but did not get one. I did tell her to understand that I wasn't saying that to be vindictive and she said she already knew that.

Have had the offer of a caravan in the summer holidays. D14 wil only go if S16 goes and S16 will only go if it's when his GF is on holiday for 3 weeks. It won't be then as it's not free at that time so it looks like yet again I won't get a holiday and the rejection from my S16 just keeps on coming.

[Andabelle]

If it were me, I'd go by myself!

[ACJ]

If it were me, I'd go by myself!

I hate my own company so by the end of a week I'd be stir crazy

[BeingMe]

Perhaps this is an opportunity to find a way to love your own company. I adore having 'me time', just to unwind, think about stuff, read my books, not doing what others expect, etc. Ah, just to relax and be!