If you look at my last few posts you will see I've had a difficult couple of days.
It is so unfortunate as I had my children with me for 3 days and we had a wonderful time. My wife still took time to complain about something but I guess that is to be aceepted.
Please have a look at my posts PM as I would love to hear your take on things. I am moving back to the marital home on the 20th June and my wife and children move out to go to my PIL's house who are in Greece until August. My wife said (without consultation with me) that I could stay until October 5th. Our fixed mortgage which I pay does not finish until the end of November, therefore I told her I would not be leaving the marital home until then.
All hell then broke loose and the text message my wife sent (which I have posted) basically attacked me personally and threatened contact with the children.
PM, please could you offer some of your great insight as I could really use it.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You have made your position known to your wife. Drop the rope! Go through your attorneys or whomever with everything. You are just annoying her further. Let her see what it is like without you there to do stuff for her. Let her miss you.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Here is the sitch, your W and kids are moving into your in-laws so you can stay at the family home and save money on apartment until October. You would like to stay in it until end of Nov because you paid for the mortgage until then.
You and W are in a tug-o-war regarding dates. I see that you have several options and if you can talk about it without flinging mud, these options might be good for kids and everyone else involved.
1) You stay until Oct as suggested by wife - what do you have to lose? Nothing, you save money for rent from June to Oct.
2) You stay until Nov - one extra month of free rent but R suffers with wife. Where will she and kids stay from Oct to Nov?
3) You stay until Nov - but you suggest that the kids stay with you at the family home. Wife can have them three times a week or whatever arrangment. That way kids still get to stay in family home and you get more time bonding with them. Wife can stay at in-laws. If she is the one leaving you, then she should leave the family home, not you. You play hardball but she sees you as more of a powerful figure and not a pushover. RESPECT.
4) You sell the home, split the profits, everything over and done with while the W and kids stay at in-laws.
If she won't have a mature, reasonable discussion with you on this and insists on yelling, screaming or if you guys come to an agreement, then you need to get an intermediary like a lawyer involved.
She thinks she still calls all the shots in this family, e.g. you stay in the house until Oct 5th (without consultation with you). But you need to show her that whether the two of you are married or not, there needs to be discussions on things, especially if these include children. Say it in a loving tone, but do not apologize for wanting a discussion. Weighs the pros and cons in the best interest of the kids, not because you want a power struggle or because you want to her weather the consequences of her decisions.
Don't worry if she gets mad at you or not, she is already mad. And she will stay this way because it enables her to move forward and leave you. She is using this energy to change her life drastically.
You need to see the motivation here and be the bigger person. Refuse the power struggle. Stand up for yourself. Don't get dragged into long winded arguments. Be lovingly detached. Let the whirlwind of her behavior blow over and make sure you don't get sucked in again.
BE there for the children. IF their mother is acting crazy, they need you more than ever to act sane, stable, like a ROCK.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
3) You stay until Nov - but you suggest that the kids stay with you at the family home. Wife can have them three times a week or whatever arrangment. That way kids still get to stay in family home and you get more time bonding with them. Wife can stay at in-laws. If she is the one leaving you, then she should leave the family home, not you. You play hardball but she sees you as more of a powerful figure and not a pushover. RESPECT.
Hi PM,
Thank you for responding. For me, option 3 is the most pertinent option, though when I get a job I will not be able to have the children as I would want. The only reason I would go with this option is the RESPECT aspect. I just feel I should not have to leave the marital home until the end off November. My concern though is the effect this option would have on our R.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Your W's words sound like those of a desperate woman. She must be able to sense she can't make you do whatever she wants now so she's beginning with the threats.
Unless there's something you're not telling us I can't see any reason at all that your W will be able to stop you seeing your children. To be honest, I'd seek some more legal advice on this matter to keep yourself covered. Your W isn't acting rationally right now and she's obviously capable of doing a lot of things to hurt you. Don't let her do that with your kids.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Definitely go through the L's and not in person/by text/by phone. She chose her course. That doesn't mean things can't change in the future, but you need to protect yourself.
If she wants to spew, let her spew. Rise above and be the better man.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
No, there is nothing untoward in regard to the children. I have become a re-connected father as I should have been a long time ago. I am wondering if she is like this because she is not getting her own way anymore?
The stupid thing is, during the same day (yesterday), she sent me this text:
Mark, thank you for doing the carpet, please let me know if you want to see the children on Wednesday and what is the plan. Thank you.
This was after the character assasination text she sent earlier in the afternoon. What the hell is she thinking about?
I am going to go with option 3 as I suggested and confirmed by Puppy.
Wifey and Kev,
I will confer with my L and I will continue to be the better person. I've walked on eggshells, frightened off upsetting her and all it has done is make me look a fool and lose respect. I am going to draw a line in the sand, but as Coach said in dealing with my W, do not be punitive, mean or nasty.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
#3 I think is the way to go.