Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I'm in a new marriage and we've been womped big time by the economy (long story, but we lost tens of thousands selling my home at long last, and the job has suffered directly as well) and it's pushed us to the breaking point. I am still dreading & waiting to be served papers by the sheriff, and every day I look on our states circuit court pages to see if the first papers have shown up yet. I think what's toughest is that he has fully detached himself and wants absolutly nothing to do with me it appears.

All this started April 9th, becasue I left him for a "break" because we had had a nasty argument the night before and he had said our marriage was a "mistake" as well as the fact he wouldn't drop this ultimatim he'd started the month before saying if I didn't earn XYZ dollars in a month, he'd file divorce papers. This stressed me out so badly that I was unable to work at all in my small business becasue I was a wreck. So I left for 2 weeks to stay with family, expecting that when I'd come home he would be apologetic and loving. I was completely wrong.

Instead, he was detached already and very anxious. I couldn't talk to him at all because he would literaly start shaking. He is a co dependent but had never acted like this before as far as just mere talking to each other. This went on for a month, during which we continued to go to our therapist, the only place he would talk to me.

Then he dropped the bomb that he was "done" and wanted to file immediately because when I was gone he was at peace finally and calm and relsxed, and he hasn't been that way since I moved in last July, before our wedding. This triggered an amazingly angry response from me, in which I asked him to give me a month more before filing so that we could both really try (and have him talk to me) and unless he did give me this month of acting like a normal couple and both trying, I would drag on the divorce for eons as I have nothing left to lose, and make it cost a fortune.

Oh, and despite the fact he just told me this this day, he was all ready to play "let's make a deal" saying that I could have the house if I made the divorce go quickly.

This was me talking crazy and vindictively people, I was shocked and very very hurt. Mind you, I had missed my husband and life terribly and hadn't been back to that regular married life for 6 weeks at this point (2 weeks of me gone, then 4 weeks of him not talking to me).

Then, about a week after this showdown, and him pressuring me all the time about what exactly I wanted in the divorce settlement, had I seen my lawyer, etc. I responded as my own therapist directed "I will do what I have to do, you will do what you have to do" so that I didn't let his threats get to me like the ultimatim did earlier. Apparently he did file at one point, he notified me of this in an email, but I haven't recieved it yet.

Ever since him saying he's done, we've been in a bad place with him constantly trying to push me to tell him stuff that I want from the divorce when I wasn't remotely ready to. Prior to that, we'd actually had some constructive converstaions using John Gottman's "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" communication techniques that I have made a "cheat sheet" for that I literally take into the discussions. He said he felt more listened to. I think these are great tools, but a majority of the time was spent not talking and me merely trying to survive, that's why I love the DR, because it feels empowering and tells me what to do as my marriage is going up in flames around me.

The worst part is that ever since I left, he has been so damn detached. At first, before I read DR, I was doing the begging and pleading for our marriage, as well as raging at him or sobbing. I'm doing much better, but it still kills me that he doesn't talk to me at all and makes his meals only when I'm not in the kitchen, sleeps in the living room, and we haven't had sex in over 2 months. What's worse, is while he's busy not talking to me, I can hear him typing away on his computer and that's where he spends 95% of his time home.

He just disapears for hours at a time, with no explanation, sometimes showers then disapears. I don't think he's having an EA even though he has mostly female friends, but it still makes me feel extremely disrespected. I have to go to my good friends wedding next Sunday all alone, which kills me because it's the first one I've had since ours. Why do I have to feel so stupid and embarassed telling people why he's not there when I'm not the one throwing away our marriage before it's even had a chance to start?

We have a therapy session scheduled tonight and I hope to god that I'm not going to be the only one that shows up. I made a note about it to tell him in the kitchen, but he hasn't responded at all and I don't want to press the issue in case he's on the fence. He knows I want to preserve the marriage, and that's why he doesn't feel that therapy is appropriate at this point, yet he says he still loves me and that this is killing him too (the one time he opened up about this to me).

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm doing better and better about the DR, but it's especially hard because I am on leave from my regular job right now and thought I had a pt job all lined up but they were just stringing me along, so I have no $ and another month of leave (no pay) to kill. I've been applying everywhere to no avail, this is a hard time to get work. So he's going out to dinenr and events and buying $700 bikes, when I'm eating sandwiches and can't afford to go out at all.

I no longer cry every night when I go to sleep because I miss him in our bed, but I miss him as a person, as well as my husband so damn much. He's not even asked anything about me at all, like how I'm doing or how anybody is, or whatever. I am finally getting better at detaching from him and said only 5 words total to him yesterday all day, but it kills me. I just want my old life back but better and with less arguments and hurtful words. I believe he is still a good man and want him back but my family and friends, while great, don't get it, so while I get a ton of support and love from them, they think I should bail out now and run away from him.

Our M therapist thinks that this really has nothing to do with me at all but has to do with his horrible childhood and rlsp with this mother and other women in his life. He never had good examples of married life and this is his 2nd marriage, my first. She also thinks that we've been unlucky to start our marriage at such a hard time economically for the world and that has really stressed him out although it's not anyone's fault, it just is. She thinks he'll come around, and I hope to god he does.

Meanwhile, I'm working on me, cause I definately know that I've lost the strong, confident, happy and upbeat strong woman that I used to be going through all this, and loathe the pathetic, begging, sobbing creature that I've become. I'm also making the best of a bad situation and working small jobs to get cash, like dog walking and small painting projects for people.

Any advice or compassion would be so appreciated from the trenches. Thanks so much!