Indeed. There has to be 100% commitment from both sides.
BS!!! fb2!! What exactly do you mean? You may have forgotten that this "piecing" I am "in" started 8-9 months ago, and if you listen to Puppy (I know you do-maybe I hsould ask him for input) and others, H's behaviour is full of HUGE STOP signs... No boundaries I EVER set, no demands I EVER made, no desires I EVER expressed where respected.
I still dont know what happened (I dont ask anymore but you must remember that it one of my few reqs), he still has contact with her, we still havent spent anytime together (2nd LL), he hasnt flirted with me, said more than 3 nice words to me (compliments, my 1st LL), no hugs, no kisses,no dates, no fun, nothing... Sure, we spend time with the kids. But that is NOT what was missing from our M. He and I both agreed that our M was 1000% child centered and that was the main cause for our problems. Tha and his work. Guess what has change dnow? Nothing.
HE CAME BACK. I TOLD HIM where I stood back then, he said he KNEW where we had f@cked up. STILL he repeats the SAME!!
You know what? Committement and vows are great. If trying to stay married feels like a Chinese torture, then... I take my vow back. How can I possibly love a man that never showed any desire, any kind of will/passion/excitement to be married to me? How can I feel loved, secure and safe? Just because he is polite and nice? (not overly, dont get me wrong, just basically).
I give up explaning this. Thanks for all your help everyone. xxxxx K
How can I possibly love a man that never showed any desire, any kind of will/passion/excitement to be married to me? How can I feel loved, secure and safe? Just because he is polite and nice?
Sounds like a closing statement.....I understand your frustration. You know where I stand in all this. He is the one who left and perhaps cheated, he should at the very least show you something or even God forbid win you back. He is not doing it for some reason....the ultimate proof of that for me is the intimacy part (or lack thereof). Now, Ian dsagrees completely...I would like to have had some explanation on that point. I tend to think it it says it all.
I think you are married to my W. They are "content" with things as they are, and don't see any need to change anything. They might say they will, but that's just to get us to shut up for a while. Kalni, at the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with this. I can understand it not being enough..... from here it doesn't seem to be even close to enough.
Just echoing John and Jeff's posts. I agree completely.
Enough is enough and he has to make you WANT to try and make you WANT to stay.
He seems to me as a man who is so internally conflicted w/his sense of self that he doesn't know what to do.
Question? How low is H's self-esteem? Is his view of himself pretty low? Just curious as if it is low, then he may be unknowingly putting himself through a self-fulfilling prophecy where he subconsciously doesn't feel like he's good enough to deserve a good, loving family and marriage, so he's doing things to sabatoge it so he can be able to say "See, I told you I'm unlovable."
Why do I ask this and look at this as a possibility? Because I was that man once who sabatoged my relationships w/out knowing I was doing it. Only help and therapy led me out of that never-ending cycle and on to a path where I could see myself as a pretty good guy and a great catch.
Since that realization, I've been able to "walk the walk" and have been enjoying my life in my own skin ever since.
So, I guess, I'm saying that if your H has issues, he'll continue to disappoint you and himself until he gets himself some real, lasting help.
I'm not sure any of us could wait around for that to happen.
RTL PS - I know you've said in Greece it takes a year for a D to become final, correct? Have you thought about filing and moving forward with this? My question is because if H was ever to make a move, he'd be forced to do so if there were papers filed, etc. I'm not suggesting you to do this as a "bluff" but as a decision for you to move on. If H doesn't respond to your filing, then you'll know that you are making the right choice for sure. Again, just a thought.
I know I haven't been very forward in my thinking because I know I'll get lambasted here for it. I feel I have to tell you exactly what my opinion is now. You are in pain sweetie, your H is causing that pain to continue. Chinese torture? That's mild. They couldn't get to your heart. This is much more exquisite and deep.
IMO....here it is....drumroll.....everybody get ready to hammer at me for it.......FILE. Do it now. Get this done. Your H is nothing more than a co-parent and a barely adequate one at that. I'm sorry, I hate the thought of D but when there is so much continued misery, what is the point in all this?
K, Maria, sweet beautiful woman, you know who you are. You know what you need. Your H was the one to walk away. Honestly, he didn't really ever come back, he just said the words to stop you in your tracks. It worked didn't it? Do what you need to do for yourself. You have made so many strides recently to gain more independence and find your joy. Last step? Disentangle yourself from him now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Yo Sunshine... Just want to clarify that I was simply responding to that bullshitt about men not being able to be in a bed with a woman without wanting sex because it is crap.
It was not about you....ok.......
You know darn well I completely understand where you are at and get that you need the intimacy initiated from him.
"I don't think I know of any man that could be in bed with a woman who he is, at the very least, attracted to and not want sex. That just doesn't seem right."
I have to agree with this 100%...I think I may have mentionned it once or twice to both K and BBJ. Hell I even know guys who have had sex with woman they do not "really" feel attracted to.
This is what I am talking about. It is a stereotypical statement that I do not believe is anywhere near the truth. Maybe for 18-20 year old college "boys", but not for "any man".
My point is that men, just like women, have issues sometimes and do not necessarily just want to have sex for the hell of it. I am not defending K's husband, but the reality is this dudes head is about as fricked up as it gets. I have seen pictures of Maria, it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is having some serious emotional issues.
So for me, to make a blanket statement like that rather than trying to help Kalni try and understand what is going on is just that, bullshitt... I feel our efforts are better served by trying to help her understand that while it is stupid and unusual that he is not being romantic, there is a logical reason in his mind.
Kalni is teetering on walking away from her marriage. The fact that her H is caught up in his own little version of insanity and emotional unavailability is pressure enough on her. To tell her that "no man" can sleep with a woman and not make advances does NOT help here. Helping her to cope with the emotional sledge hammer involved with this is what we are supposed to be doing. Helping her to understand that this is something wrong with HIM is our job. Saying what you said to her could lead her to believe there must be something wrong with her, was that your goal, I hope not.
If there is a chance of her marriage making it, we are going to have to support her and help her battle through these times by helping her see some of the possibilities for his actions. Maybe that is where all of our focus needs to be instead of on the whole "oh how could he" crap.
First off I think I have supported Maria here and elsewhere for longer than you know. If you are close to her please feel free to ask her. I have always tried to take her husband's point of view in our discussions together. However, for you to tell me what my job is and what I should or should not be saying and furthermore to insinuate that I think like a college kid borders disrespect and reaks of arrogance, my friend. I will stop here because I refuse to stoop to your level. I have never knowingly disrespected anyone here or anywhere else for that matter by reducing myself to calling other people's opinions "bullshit".
In the meantime Ian, why don't you enlighten us on some of the possible reasons why a man who is trying to reconcile (for the last 7 months) with a woman he claims to love can not show his affection physically or otherwise. Continues to ignore his wife's requests. Seemingly cares more about his two jobs than his family. Calls her very seldomly and is not in tune with her financial needs and that of their children? Is that enough "how could he crap" for you? Because I have more.
To tell her that "no man" can sleep with a woman and not make advances does NOT help here. Helping her to cope with the emotional sledge hammer involved with this is what we are supposed to be doing. Helping her to understand that this is something wrong with HIM is our job. Saying what you said to her could lead her to believe there must be something wrong with her, was that your goal, I hope not.
Ian, thank you. I hope this helps Kalni. It did help me. I shared a bed for 3+ years with a H who refused physical intimacy with me. I finally quit asking because the pain of rejection was just too much. I do realize that it was his problem, but I still felt emotionally crushed. You have it exactly right.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
