I'm new at DB and don't know if this is a new thread.My WAH left 2 weeks ago. We were together 4 years, married about 9 months. No kids together. I'm 40, he's 43. He has 9 year old autistic son, who I'm very close with, from a previous marriage. Long story short, he had been unhappy for awhile, thought I was insecure, controlling and pushed his buttons. I admit, I had some issues. But I don't think I'm the sole reason for our difficulties. He could be sarcastic, critical and immature. Right now he blames me for everything. I just validate his feelings and tell him that it's important to become friends again.
Right now, he doesn't even want to be friends. After he left, he changed his myspace status to single. I was devastated and thought he was moving on, so I went on match.com, as "separated", to look for companionship. Well, he discovered that and deleted my name from his FB, (we were listed as married to each other).
I've started GAL, but it is so hard! I miss him so much! He never calls, etc. To make matters worse, he's living in an RV outside his ex's house to be near his son until he moves into the house he's rented. I know he has no feelings for her, but I always kind of resented the friendship they have.
H won't go to counseling with me. He did bring my stepson over last Friday. H was distant, so I just gave him space. XW called few times wanting H to bring son back. She thinks it's confusing for son to be around me. H told her that he would let son decide if he wants to stay overnight or go back to his mothers. Well, my stepson wanted to stay overnight, H slept on couch, of course. Next morning, XW calls and is very angry with H and wants him to bring S back immediately. I haven't heard from H since. I did send him a short email thanking him for bring S over and also mentioned that I think the separation is easier and less confusing for my stepson when stepson and I spend time together.
So the XW is further complicating this separation. My H is moving into his rental this week. I told him I would help him, but now not sure if that's a good idea. Any advice on whether I should be here when he moves out and the 180's? It's hard since he never calls or emails. He hasn't filed for divorce.
Thanks so much for responding. I read through most of your posts and it sounds like you've been through it all and have come out a much stronger person.
I read DR at the bookstore, but should probably pick up a copy. I didn't do any of the pleading or begging, really have not contacted him at all except to return his call last week about bringing his S over. What I get frustrated is this:when a couple has separated and don't have kids together, so really no need to communicate, how is the WAS supposed to notice the GAL and 180 changes? I don't think he even misses me. My worst fear is that he will decide he's happier without me and not give me a second chance. I know I'm obsessing, but I just feel so sad and alone right now.
We had just moved to this new town a month ago and I don't really know anyone here. I talk to my BF daily on the phone, and I call my MIL almost every day. My MIL and I were close, but do you think it's better to detach from her. I don't want it to get back to H that I've been calling her.
This really is the most difficult time I've ever experienced. I haven't told my Mom, Dad, or other family members because we're really not that close, and I would be a little embarrassed. This is the 2nd marriage for me.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 months Sep 2 weeks Stepson 9
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
First, the GAL is for you. Do things that make YOU happy. Do not put your happiness in the hands of another.
It is OK to feel sad. It is OK to feel how ever you feel. Feel the feelings as they come. I know I cycle through all kinds of feelings.
Spouse does not like the way you are interacting. Do 180s in the interactions you do have.
Face your fears, otherwise they will become true. Set him free and show him a happy, friendly, kind, compassionate, attractive confident women he would be crazy to leave.....Work on this while he is away. Practice with other people.
This is a great opportunity for personal growth if you take it. Want a closer relationship with your family, open up to them.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think most of my family would be judgemental. Sad, but true.
But I did make a new friend today.:) I called a woman from the church who is the "angel" of the prayer chain. She was very upbeat, encouraging, and positive. She gave my numbers of other people who I can call and meet. It's all about GAL, isn't it.
The hardest part is when I'm home alone. It's not that I can't live alone. I just prefer the shared life. I took him for granted, I guess. I become sad and depressed and down on myself. Today I cried 3 times. I'm a sub. teacher, so now that the school year is over and I've found myself alone, I have way too much time on my hands. I'm going to look for a part-time job. Thank god I have a dog and a cat.
Should I be here when he moves his stuff out? I miss him so much. I just want to wake up and discover that all this was just a nightmare. The not knowing about our future is the worst part.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4years M 9 months Stepson 9 H left on 5/17/09
Last edited by hopfulinMT; 06/01/0910:06 PM. Reason: info
One more bit of info. Last week he sent an email telling me he's having a hard time reconciling the fact that I'm dating again already and that it doesn't seem right or normal. Is this a sign of hope? Or maybe he's just angry.
I had told him I wasn't looking for dates or a relationship with anyone else. Just companionship. Should I get off match.com?
I know what you mean about being alone in the house. It is hard. Having my kids home for the summer makes it easier, but everywhere are reminders that he is no longer wanting to be a part of the family.
It would be so much easier in some ways being able to see the future and know we will have to deal with this X amount of time or know what the outcome will be. Still, I am trying to rest in the fact that it is in God's hands and in HIs control.
Hope you find lots to keep you busy this summer.:)
So sorry you find yourself here, but you will got great support and advice. In fact, you are already getting both from ReadytoChange.
I am writing to echo something that R2C has already said and to answer a question you posed. You asked how your WAS will notice the changes, the 180's, and the GAL since you have no children and he is no longer around you. I asked this very question and got great support.
Practically speaking, he will notice. There are lots of ways the WAS and the LBS end up interacting (my SBXH and I have no children and still ended up in contact very often - after a lengthy silence form him). Mine snuck home in the middle of a workday, packed, left and would not tell me where he lived for months. Ultimately, we got back into contact and he eventually told me he noticed lots of changes in me. Said he was skeptical at first but ultimately accepted them as genuine.
I think the more important answer to your question runs a bit deeper than the practical. It was very hard for me in those early days to accept the notion that I had to learn to focus on myself, detach from my spouse and really, truly let him go. (By letting go, I do not mean you have to believe you will not reconcile; rather, I mean you must accept that being apart in this moment is his choice and you have to learn to let him have the freedom to make that choice). If you find and read some of my early posts, you'll see that I was a mess and the poster-child for a raging inability to detach. Then, slowly, in my own time and at my own pace, I detached. All the while, very slowly learning to focus on myself. By doing this, I came to realize that it was I who did not want to reconcile. I am not saying this will be the case for you. I am only saying that you will find clarity and your own truth and answers once you can get your focus more on yourself.
I know what I am suggesting seems a Herculean task, at least it did to me when it was suggested to me. There is so much pain in all of this. There were so many days I just wanted to wake up and find it was all a bad dream. Be patient with yourself.
Also, as for detaching - I wish it were not a verb because I do not think it should be looked at as an action one can take. It is more like an end that results from lots and lots of GAL and keeping your focus inward.
One last bit of advice that I received from another poster here, Healthydad, which is this: be kind to yourself. He posted that to me a lot in the early days as he, with others, encouraged me as I learned to detach.
Know that you will be okay and if you do not know this yet, tell yourself that you will, everyday, until you start to believe it.
V, I read through some of your old threads, and what you've been though this past year is an incredible testament of your strength. A movie should be written about you!
When I look at my current situation, I can't help but blame myself for a lot of things. But I know I have to be kind to myself to get through this and accept the fact that I can't control him or the future and that I will be okay whether we reconcile or not. Detachment is so damn hard! I think I would rather have a broken leg. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes when I think I might be getting over some of the pain, I burst into tears. Thank heavens I have a dog/cat and that I found this online support.
He hasn't called/emailed since he came over with my stepson Friday night. Should I let him know that I've gone off match.com and should I be here when he moves his stuff out? I did offer to help him with that a few days ago.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years Stepson 9 H left on 5/17/09
You are still in shell shock, honey. Its good that you found this place, although it is sad you had to join us at all. You will find people here that will be like family to you.
Understand that this is a long process. It doesn't get easier until you do let go. Basically, the WA's are like smoke. You can't grab them and hold on and hope they stay.
And the detaching is very hard to do. But you can do it 5 minutes at a time, then 10 minutes, then 15, etc.
If you feel a need to cry then have at it. By the time you cry yourself out you will feel pretty calm. Strangely, even after a year you have to just have a good cry once in a while. But, give yourself a time limit, say 15 minutes.
The GAL starts slow, but will help so much. I found the best way to start is to take notice of small things around you. Wildlife, pretty scenery, the smell of coffee, how it feels to have the hairstylist wash your hair. Noticing these small things lets you know you are alive.
If you want lots of people to visit or write to you, then venture onto other people's threads. Even if you don't have any great words to help someone, <<<hugs>>> and a friendly message of support are always appreciated.
I will check back with you. If I don't write a great deal, it will be because I have so many people I am trying to keep track of at this point.
Today is exactly 1 year from the bomb. I never thought I would be able to survive. But I can stand on my own two feet, pay my own bills, look my WAH in the eye and still say I love him. He lives with his parents, but we see each at least once a week.
Do get DR, and read, and then reread. You will find new information every time you read it. I am just going back to it myself. At this point my copy is a bit dog-eared, highlighted, etc and I still see new information.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
