d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Emotional weekend. I have tried to be strong and DB but I hit a weak point saturday. H and I talked so well together. He even said he'd miss us after the divorce. I told him then why doesn't he stop the divorce. He just said he couldn't. I don't get it. I told him he should stop it and we could stay married and raise our D4 under 1 roof but live our lives seperately. He said sounds like a good idea. I said ok, then lets do that. He said sorry, can't. He is so confused.

He was sitting outside on our step and I went over to him and played with his hair and I told him that I know he's going thru something that is keeping him away from us and that he can only come thru this himself. I told him that I wish I could help him but I can't. I started crying but tried to hold it in, but my tears were flowing. Then I said to him, please remember that I will always love you. He said I know. I walked into the house so I could cry for a minute in the bathroom.

I wanted to kick myself for losing my strength but I guess after he told me he was going to miss me, I was even more confused and desperate. I didn't beg with him but I just had to "talk" to him.

When I went back outside he was very quiet. H and D4 left shortly after that, it was daddy's weekend. After he left I went into our "new" barn (built for him) and sat at the picnic table and cried and threw rocks and screamed. I felt better after about an hour. Dried my tears, kicked myself in the butt and mowed the lawn for the next 2 hours.

I just feel so lost and alone, and I know it's not the pity party but I just had a low weekend.

This coming weekend is my b-day and my mother wants to take my D4 for the night. She says to give me a break to go out and have fun for my birthday. Problem is I usually don't celebrate my b-day and my H never usually acknowledged it anyway, but I might treat myself to a drink.

How goes it with you today?