Hey SP- The irony is that we actually live in LaLaland but since where-ever you go, there you are, H is actually in Europe right now which I refer to as Lalaland due to rock star factor and Hs mental vacation from reality.
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If I need to let H know how horrible this has been or how hurtful to me or the kids
Ok, this is the tricky part for me. I just woke up AGAIN feeling like dukey, sick to my stomach, that left behind feeling.
H called this morning and we spoke about the possibility of him staying there a little longer. His naiveté is stunning. Like the kid from Almost Famous. He is getting so close to rock star, rock star gave him a super expensive gift (hello sugar daddy), rock star called out to him during a show...I listened a little and then I told him I had to go because I have to get the kids ready for school.
Mind you, his income does not support our overhead at this point and he has no idea how much rock star is going to pay him for whatever work he is going to do with rock star.
Now, here's the point- H has never experienced me as a person who will hold back on expressing my feelings or my opinion. And now, I am so mindful of what I share with him, I feel like a samurai (well, sort of). I would like to think that he is cognizant of the depth of pain brewing over here in our sphere but guilt is such an MF for him that I honestly think he takes solace in hearing "ok" when he asks how everything is going. I mean I think that works for him regarding me and the kids.
I also woke up thinking again about certain friends we had who thought he was a real d*ck when he left last time that seem to be a-ok with him right now. I wonder what he has told them. According to friend I saw yesterday who is still on H's facebook, it looks like he is bragging his heart out. Life is a wonderful adventure full of glitz glamour and fulfillment with him right in the center of it all. Now, of course for many Lalalandites, that is uber-impressive but for our "real" friends, aren't they thinking what the f? Your family is falling apart, your broke but you're all about your fabulousness? Which leads to...they think I told him to leave. They think I'm just fine with it. He even told one friend that I took my wedding ring off so there (nevermind it was months after he took his off and I told him it was ONLY because it felt utterly humiliating to keep it on at that point). Who cares what friends think? Well, I almost think he believes his delusions. Seeing his mommy cry when he was a child after his dad had left was traumatizing to him...he actually was on me after he first left about crying in front of the kids, was very concerned about it. If I'm not crying in front of them, am the awesome mom he knows I am, what's the problem? Everything is about image, at least right now. If it looks ok, than it is ok. Maybe deep down he knows but he's just got to stay afloat and know that he is not causing too much damage (differentiate from what he saw his dad put his mom through).
At the end of the day, as in our M, I'm ten times the man he'll likely ever be AND a woman to boot.
I would love to make the space for him to be the man here. That is what I needed in the R and that is what would need to happen for him to come home. But, it would require me falling apart and needing him, begging him, revealing all of my vulnerability. Yes, I actually do think he would come back if I did that, expressed my need. But, I am way beyond that.
Perhaps we need to really talk. Perhaps I underestimate him. I have made references to S9's possible depression and he's gained a whole bunch of weight so that is a visible sign of what he is going through.
H needs to grow up. I would love to point out the obvious in his sitch. It IS obvious. But, I've got to be about me now.
I do still love H. There is just too much there that I've experienced to totally give up on him. My gut tells me that he will go through this and grow into a decent man but you never know and I doubt it will be within my timeframe. It is my sick feeling that I have to work through.
I am "ok" but always an inch away from some outburst of whaling, sobbing, blubbery (which I ward off fairly well). Posting here and getting responses helps me refocus and stay on the horse. I appreciate this communication.
