The Four Phases of SSM Recovery

[Bagheera]

For Phase 2 (educating yourself), my favorite relationship / sexuality books (so far):

In addition to Michele's The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife, I recommend the below.


Understanding the differences between the sexes

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray

Despite his several attempts to repackage his basic material, this 'old' (1985) original presentatin is still, to me, John Gray's best book on the topic. I like everything except for his "Love Letters" approach to conflict resolution, which is a bit 'old school' and not very effective. The chapters on how men and women feel loved in a relationship are a must read.

Note: Like Jayce, I do NOT recommend Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. While there is *some* good advice there, it is poorly written and organized, and not general enough to a majority of couples (more John Gray's personal experience than anything else). For a better coverage of intimacy issues between the sexes, see The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, below.

Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease.

A fun read which covers much of John Gray's classic material in a more light-hearted, day-to-day practical fashion.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women, by Gary Rosberg, Barbara Rosberg, and Ginger Kolbaba.

The book is written specifically for Christian couples, but does the best job of explaining intimacy differences between the sexes and offering potential solutions in the area of Michele's Intimacy Dilemma of any book I've yet come across. If the religious theme / bits don't apply to you, ignore them -- it's worth the read anyway.


Communication and Conflict Resolution

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

An excellent guide to conflict resolution and learning to communicate effectively with each other -- without fighting.


Sexual Arousal and Passion

Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael J. Bader.

Written for a psychologist audience, this book is nonetheless very good at explaining why people get turned on by what they do, and why it varies so widely from individual to individual. If you have ever wondered why you have the strange (and perhaps alarming) sexual fantasies that you do, or want to understand why your mate gets turned on by what they respond best to, this is a great read.

Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch

I have, admittedly, not gone through this book in detail yet, but it comes highly recommended by many of the old-timers on this forum. It's on my shelf, waiting to be read!


Sexual Techniques

The Guide to Getting It On, by Psy.D. Paul Joannides and Daerick Gross Sr.

DanceQueen turned us all on to this fat, informative, and yet often funny book several months ago. It's a keeper, and better than the old classic The Joy of Sex, by Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam.

She Comes First and He Comes Next, by Ian Kerner.

Written by a sex therapist, both of these books are obstensibly about oral techniques, the first book him-on-her, the second book her-on-him. However, in addition to the very good information and techniques for oral pleasure, Ian also goes in-depth into male & female sexuality and covers a lot of material outside of the bedroom, particularly in the second book.


Men -- both in and out of the bedroom

The New Male Sexuality, Revised Edition, by Bernie Zilbergeld.

This is a great read for BOTH men and women, which completely untangles tne common myths and misperceptions that *both* men and women have regarding male sexuality and the male sexual organs. Our marriage counselor / sex therapist had me read it before we even scheduled our first session with him. If you can't convince your spouse to go to a sex therapist, but he has problems with sexual desire, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or some other sexual problem: get this book. There are chapters that cover each topic and which lay out the exercies and techniques commonly used to treat such issues.

No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover.

Along with Passionate Marriage, this is a very frequently recommended book on this forum, because many of the men who come here are failing, in one way or another, to turn the women in their lives on due to a lack of masculine energy and 'power.' They've stopped being The Man in the relationship, and their wife knows it. There are other recommended books on this topic, such as The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida (which I've not read), but NMMNG is the one to start with.