DCBHM, It sounds like you are doing really well! Im glad to hear that the custody hasnt gone badly. I hope that things keep moving in this positive direction!
I'm doing well emotionally. I'm fairly detached, and quite frankly it is probably due to the fact that W/MIL and the attorney came on so strong it forced me back into old habits of protecting myself. I put D1 first and foremost even when I was emotionally confused, I've focused on what I need to do in order to maximize my time with her. I've felt a lot of the things I read around here, emotional confusion, etc. but I have pretty much had to push that part of me aside in order to focus on doing what I think is right.
A consequence of that is the emotional detachment has indeed helped me to find a better place, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not reliant on a relationship with W to be happy - and that in itself is a victory for me. While I would love to restore my M, I don't feel like I should give anything up in terms of myself. W has done the wrong, and I'm willing to forgive her and move past it, but she is the one who has to do the work. I'm willing to do the work on myself to fix my part in the relationship - but I'm not going to allow a situation where I'm the only one working.
Not after she has pushed it this far.
Would you rather be right or would you rather be married is a false dichotomy with a Borderline. Would you rather be emotionally healthy or would you rather be married is more like it if they aren't willing to seek help.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Truer words have never been spoken
Something tells me the "I want to work things out" conversation is only going to occur if/when W ends up losing custody. At that point - I don't think I'm going to have much faith in a recovery.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was doing well this morning. She's moved up to the big girl room in the nursery, so she gets to basically play with different toys and be watched by different ladies which is fine. She was walking and talking gibberish, and didn't pay me as much mind besides smiling when she heard my voice and looking at me.
I saw W, said "Hey" and smiled. She sort of half smiled and looked away from me. Her stomach is becoming quite noticeable and this may have something to do with the overwhelming karma that is headed her way on the legal front. Is it wrong for me to take some satisfaction from this? This isn't how I wanted my M to turn out, but I suppose this is my D too, and I should have as much "fun" with it as I can. In all honestly this has been a nerve-wracking experience and I've gone through (I believe) the worst of it initially. Now it seems like smooth sailing for me, and W seems to be the one going through the rough times.
Today is the day I gave myself internally to focus on the D completely if I hadn't seen any positive traction from W in terms of moving back towards the M.
So what have I seen? W/MIL basically sucking up to me for the past several weeks. W making small talk and acting "nice" lately, but I haven't seen anything concrete. No "H we need to talk." She's probably too ashamed, guilt-ridden, etc. at this point, but it is almost like she is paralyzed legally as I've taken the entire case and turned it into a nightmare for them. Then again I don't know what else she expected when she took me of all people to court considering my track record.
In this situation in my state the average father probably loses 99% of the time on custody. My lawyer has been shocked at how quickly and successfully the case has been progressing on our end since the initial bluster and bluffing of W's attorney was shown to be smoke & mirrors and I was shown to have quite the stacked deck of cards on my end.
43 days. In that time: W has to produce discovery W has to testify under oath for deposition W has to have completed a psychological evaluation
I would be surprised if she does 1/3 of that. Meanwhile... I'm preparing to file motions to compel and contempt of court if she doesn't. And if she doesn't complete #3 I'm sure the Judge won't be too pleased with her, considering he ordered the thing.
Reality is about to intrude on the fantasy world W/MIL inhabit.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I would say....It looks like D1 is going to have a 1/2 sibling!!! But thats just me....I get things out in the open!!
I'm sort of willing to pretend like I don't notice. Because if they know that I know I don't want them to start pondering how to use it legally. Having them worry that I know seems more useful psychologically speaking.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Now I see your sitch. In my experience with my mom and from what I've read borderlines seldom ever change. Also, IMO they are just not able to LOVE like normal people do. People are mere pawns in their games.
I was in an online support group for three years with women whose mothers were BPD. Let me tell you, getting full custody would be the best thing that could happen to DD.
My mother emotionally, physically and verbally abused me. She allowed her husband to try to sexually molest me and get away with it and continued to live with him. EVERYTHING was always all about her. He was physically abusive to me as well. I didn't even tell my own father until I got married.
I was about 30 before I learned how to deal with her- which was to limit my exposure and hang up on her if she started raging. The worst thing they do is rewrite history- you know what happened but yet when they retell it it comes out completely different. That makes you think you're crazy!
Seriously IMO no borderline needs to be a mother- they are just not capable.
D1 was doing well this morning. She had her hair done up like Pebbles from the Flintstones. She was playing around but it wasn't long before I detected a smell. I ended up changing her diaper, the whole time she was going "Da da da da da" and laughing at me while she kept kicking her feet to make it more difficult to put her britches back on.
I was holding her for a bit, and when I went to leave the daycare worker said "D1 come here" and she pulled away from her and buried her face in my shoulder. She said "I guess you just want to be a daddy's girl this morning." Eventually I was able to sit D1 down and sneak out so she wouldn't cry. I saw W from a distance down the hallway, but no contact otherwise this morning.
Originally Posted By: Kittyfish
Seriously IMO no borderline needs to be a mother- they are just not capable.
Thank you for your post. It just reinforces my belief that I'm doing the right thing in regards to custody.
I had a dream about W last night... I don't remember all of it but I believe it was a reconciliation dream... W of course was mean, spiteful, and vindictive even though I was trying very hard. Guess that is telling me that is a pipe dream...
Anyway... I spoke with my attorney yesterday evening to discuss W's deposition and strategy. I'm going to be providing him with questions to ask, and we've got a few more surprises in store. Something transpired I wasn't aware of, because he had filed the Motion to Compel Discovery without notifying me... which is fine. He was originally giving them a courtesy period of 14 days but maybe her attorney got snarky with him or something, because he seemed angry for me at this point.
He put it best: I'm the Defendant. I don't have to feel bad about anything I'm doing because W is the one who wanted this - and everything I'm requesting is so that I can defend myself properly. I told him any actions we can take from here on out to keep them busy, so long as it doesn't make me look like a jerk he has the go ahead.
If W is pregnant... well golly gee I need to request a paternity test... and oh my gosh if it turns out that the baby isn't mine I guess that means she hasn't been faithful has she?
I liked his line of reasoning. 42 days until Judgment Day. We'll see how things proceed from here.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Anyway... I spoke with my attorney yesterday evening to discuss W's deposition and strategy. I'm going to be providing him with questions to ask, and we've got a few more surprises in store. Something transpired I wasn't aware of, because he had filed the Motion to Compel Discovery without notifying me... which is fine. He was originally giving them a courtesy period of 14 days but maybe her attorney got snarky with him or something, because he seemed angry for me at this point.
He put it best: I'm the Defendant. I don't have to feel bad about anything I'm doing because W is the one who wanted this - and everything I'm requesting is so that I can defend myself properly. I told him any actions we can take from here on out to keep them busy, so long as it doesn't make me look like a jerk he has the go ahead.
The coup de grace is going to be when OM doesn't want to marry her and realizes he's been blackmailed into fatherhood and would have to help her pay me child support.
I imagine this will be a lesson in consequences. The only way she'll ever learn is if people quit babying her and let her experience consequences.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
In his case, OM married her. They have been married six years. So, not always is the OP using the affair partner. Sometimes yes but some of these relationships do work out.
In my H's case she has never experienced any real consequences. She does live in a smaller home and they don't have alot of extra money but I don't think she cares about that.
