She would like to give the kids a "good summer" and start fresh Sept 1st. It takes some time to find a place to live, a job when she hasn't worked in five years. I don't know maybe I'm just making excuses for her, I know she's reluctant to leave and just today she expressed her desire to go back to school so that she's not living the rest of her life on welfare.
After some serious consideration I told her that she was welcome to stay for the duration of whatever course it is that she chooses to take.
Her reply was very grateful and she told me that she would take me up on that offer.
So we had a very good day, at one point she stated the fact that it was too bad that she couldn't just get a job being the nanny that I'm looking for because it would save her from having to find a job. I told her that would never work out because I had planned on having sex with the nanny. She almost peed herself laughing, at least we still have humor.
We started the day by going out for brunch with the kids, followed by a drive in the country for a couple of hours while the kids napped.
We had a real good conversation, I confessed to her that a few years ago I had contemplated leaving the marriage because I had serious questions about whether or not I still loved her. She asked me why I thought I felt that way and I told her it was due to the fact that every little idiosyncrasy she had that got on my nerves was too much, Whenever I would try to tell her that these things irritated me and that I would like her to change some things she would tell me that she would try, but she never did. So after many years of this it began to feel like she was just doing them on purpose, so I began to resent her for it and I just stopped even asking her to change, but continued to resent her more and more, and as I resented her I would treat her worse and worse, and eventually felt as if I no longer loved her.
This is something that I had never told her and had never planned on, big mistake. She took it very well, she said it helped to make some of the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
I then told her that this feeling lasted for about a year or so and I just pushed it out of my mind until I started to feel my old way again. This is why I feel so strongly about her ability to love me again... Because I had felt these same things once and loved her again.
I think that she was quite shocked as we drove in silence for awhile as she processed the info, it was a lot of info.This seemed to have a real calming effect on her, we both had a good cry about all the years that we had wasted feeling these feelings and not expressing them and posed the old what if/ coulda woulda shoulda scenario. Oh well can't turn back the clock but this revelation sure seemed to clarify alot for her.
The rest of the day was spent doing yard work together on a project that had been important to her for a long time but which I had decided just was not a priority. This really seemed to fill her with a joy and enthusisim that I hadn't seen for quite some time.
Afterwards we came inside and I made the kids supper while she did some job searching online. We had a couple of drinks and listened to some good music while the kids danced around the living room, an old tradition of ours, and one the kids have been missing alot. We had more conversation all of which felt very productive for both of us, and the kids really enjoyed the routine, all in all the best day we've had in a long time.
