WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

Your W is still engaging in the blaming you game. You've told her time and time again what you want, what you're doing, etc. And she's still asking you "what are you doing" "I'm getting mixed signals" "It's all your fault".

Utter garbage.

In your case, your W still has not dealt with any of her anger/issues and prefers to use you as the scapegoat. Before you go beating yourself up, let me ask you this...how many times has she gone to therapy? Zero?

I see that she's still using the blaming game. I noticed that its shifted from what I did or didn't do to how I didn't change when we talked about it during marriage counseling all last year (pre-bomb). I had tried to respond, but she had then cut me off that how I didn't know isn't an excuse. I told her that I didn't understand, a subtle difference, but I understand now and have spent time working on me so I have changed.

I've been pressing the therapy issue, more so this time where I used what was suggested in one of my other threads of talking about how therapy has helped me and reminded how she had mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. When she started saying she didn't have time nor couldn't afford it, I did tell her just let me know what I can do to help.

I do agree that until she works on herself of letting go of the hurt/past, I'm at a roadblock. When she said that the past is really the best indicator of behavior in the future, I realized that was equivalent to a death sentence. I've seen it with her behavior with her father and sister. She has always kept them at arms length. I feel like that's what she is setting me up to be - not what I want to be nor in the best interest of the kids.

Do you want space or not? Do you want me to pursue you or not? It's as simple as that." Or just flat out tell her that you have been getting mixed messages from her so you're giving her space and time to sort things out. That you love her very much and that you would like to be together, but this is what she asked for and you are respecting that. End of story.

That was one of my key "agenda" points, to really understand what she wanted/expected from me to treat her. It almost sounded like what Sandi had suggested in thread #9, that she wants to be pursued and swept off her feet, like a romance novel. That's my connundrum right now, do I do that, totally against DB/DR principles, with the potential of setting myself up for rejection?!?!?

She's scared, mixed up and has just realized that she's alone without her kids half the time. It was her choice. But rather than accepting resposibility, she's taking it out on you.

Don't take that crap. Remember to stop her before she goes off on you. Be as compassionate as you can, but it's obvious she's mixed up because she doesn't even remember what she's been saying.

The only thing I truly believe is that she is still hurting - I can hear it in her voice and tears. I try to be compassionate, and when she is "blaming" me, she's not going off yelling or screaming, but says it in between the tears.

Back off a bit and let deal with herself. Put your foot down and tell her to start looking at herself rather than you being the one to solve all her problems.

All the hurt she's experiencing now is what she's doing to herself.

Stay as strong as possible.

So by back off, do you mean back off of Dark/Dim (sorry Sandi) or what? I know I can't do anything about her hurt, and I'm focusing on strengthening and making me the best CIPA I can be. I know that whether I save the marriage or not, I will be OK as a person (financially is a different story as she said that she wanted to find out what she was legally entitled to, not just what we agreed to - ACK!)

This is definitely a bizzare WAW. How many WAW's out there still want their LBS to call and chat with them and etc?!?!?!