Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Just wanted to pop in quickly.

I have to tell you that it can take AGES to get the passion back and life in the bedroom rekindled. I can only speak for myself here, but I remember reading about other sitches with similar problems. Do you remember Pisces? She got her M back, and there was no OW, but her last few posts were about the lack of sex (hadn't been a problem in their M before).

In my case, when H wants it, he really wants it, like multiple times in a night. On other occasions he says he feels pressured. I suspect that there are also residual effects of depression. I know depression can have a huge impact on sex drive, and I think this is especially the case when the partner is someone meaningful rather than a band-aid for depression. In my own sitch, H wanted it all the time when we were S, but my guess is that he had pushed his feelings for me to the back burner. He was cold and distant, except for in bed. Now, he is a lot more affectionate, but sex is still a touchy topic-even though there was no OW. I think beyond the depression, there is probably guilt too. Your BF must still feel wracked with guilt, even if not always, on a subconscious level it likely plays into his actions.

I know some people get the fairy tale fresh start with flowers and passion, but I think that in most cases the fresh start is gradual, and things like passion and romance come later. Your BF is probably doing what he feels comfortable with, which seems to be showing his affection by doing acts of service. It really seems as though he has come such a long way, and you're only just beginning this new step. If it were me, I would try to focus on the positive things that are happening, even if they are not everything that you want at the moment. Others may disagree, but I'd say that DBing is not over. Maybe the way that you approach things is different now, but there is a still a long way to the goal. The goal has just moved from getting a second chance, to having a healthy and fulfilling R. There has been a lot of damage done, even if you completely forgive him, and even if he completely regrets his actions. I just have to stress that it takes time to move past those feelings, no matter how well under control they seem. Again-no OW in my sitch, but there are still triggers that make me feel sick, nauseous, and temporarily go into a dark and hopeless place. Just the memory of how H was around the bomb still sends shudders down my spine. From his side-he is still resentful about things that happened ages ago and these crop up in conversation every now and again. Things are getting better though, and the times of panic are lessening. I guess my main point here is that just when you thought the process couldn't take any longer, it does! What you're dealing with is totally normal, and not at all a sign of anything more than the fact that things take time.

Hope you're enjoying your day!

ITH