I would not be too quick to wish for anger - the problem is with lying down and taking it for so long, which i did, is that yea eventually the anger DOES come and boy is it ever UGLY and really uncontrollable. When it hits (and it does so when they finally cross an invisible line) it hits like a CYCLONE and thats when you'll do and say things you REALLY regret. heck I did. And it carried on that anger, for 2 years. In that time, I blasted the OW, I blasted his family, I THREW OUT all his stuff (no packing for me! it all went in the bin even the valuables), I filed for divorce, and I went to the Supreme Court of Australia to get my kids formally having MY surname. Then as a little finisher, I informed him thru his 'family' that if he ever came back to this country I would have him so tied up in court and would make it my personal GOAL to ruin his entire life.

NOW: did all that bring me satisfaction? oh immensely; it was GREAT. DID IT ALSO NEARLY UNDO ME MENTALLY? oh yes, oh yes I came close to the abyss. I was teetering on the very edge. DID ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HELP? nope not a bit. About the only thing I could say now is that im fairly sure he's so utterly terrified of his tiny little submitting wife going absolutely postal within 12 months on him that hes NEVER gonna want to see ME again. Have I won? um... no.

so never wish for that kind of anger. never ever ever. it might come on you and if it does, you wont welcome it. It does make it easier to let them go; but you tend to let go with a flamethrower and butane and is THAT good for YOU, or your KIDS??? heck No. its very unhealthy.

and yanno, after experiencing that type of rage at the machine anger, you STILL have to face the grief you are right now - so all your doing really is putting it off. I know now (hindsight, I love it) that all I was doing was trying to put off the inevitable and bone crushing sadness and howling pulling out your hair kind of grief. I put it off very well. it worked out, but it still came, and then I had regret over my postal attitude to go with the general grief.

You said before you were a lady, to the OW. you have kept your self respect. Dont give him a chance to call you crazy as well, get thru the grief cleanly and like a lady, as you have been all this time - hard it may be but WOW what a woman. your a tough cookie and hard as. It is a weakness to give into anger. it is a strength to fully embrace the grief and just GET THRU IT, because it isnt going anywhere til you do...

but rest assured the same applies to HIM. you'll be over it before HE has even began. I know that for sure. My ex is only NOW three years after walking, starting to circle the drain. oh well such is life!

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.