The dinner is done. If it wasn't for the fact that it was with my W who left me and is having an A, I would say it was an excellent date. We ended up having two separate dinners, since we sat and talked for over four hours.
I was totally non-reactive, and the great repore we've always had was present in all it's glory. We discussed our past, both positive and negative. We relived some of our most cherished memories, and discussed some of the ways we hurt each other. I owned my faults early in our R, which I know were key to the pain she carried throughout our M. There was no anger anywhere in our vicinity the whole time.
Unfortunately, my W is steadfast in her belief that our M was "more wrong than right", that she's much happier now, and that there's no going backward. I agreed backward is not an option, kind of implying that "forward" was undefined.
We grieved the fact that our kids are now relegated to seeing us each half the time. We discussed our plans for future holidays somewhat, which was the most painful part of the night.
She complimented me greatly on who I've become, and indicated that if we didn't have the history we have, she'd be very intrigued by me, and even intimidated, in a good way. She said I will be a force to be reckoned with when I decide to start dating, if I haven't already.
I complimented her on the changes she's made, and as per my declaration above, I didn't hold back in anything I wanted to say, including some fairly shocking things. She was initially uncomfortable with my frankness, but grew to enjoy it as the evening went on, and especially as we got a little drunk.
We did not talk about her A, other than the fact that she knows I am very hurt, and she doesn't know what the future holds with OM.
She has clearly moved on entirely, and there is no hope of reconciliation, at least not in the next couple years. After that, I don't care what anyone says, it's impossible to predict anything with any certainty. Regardless, I can't put my life on hold. I have to move on.
I am feeling considerable pain right now, as I face my future without my W, at least not as my W. The hard part is, and I discussed this with her, that the time we need to spend together due to the kids does make closure difficult. We left open ended how much we will be doing together moving forward. I am dreading the thought of even less time with my kids.
