GH31 - Dilemma with my pregnant wife

[GH31]

Hello Dad,

Thanks for the response.

I would say I am DBing although because I have been at it for 18 months, most of it is now unconscious habit. The biggest 180 has been conquering my horrible temper, verbal abuse and self-centredness. I consider my wife in all decisions that I make.

My W does resent the way I treated her before and certain things in the past. When in the throes of her affair she used it all as justification for her actions. What I resent in the time she has been home is the continued contact with OM after she told me it was over and the multiple lies I caught her in.

As far as leaving me 18 months ago, I was hell for her to live with so am not angry about that. Have a look at some of my earlier posts and you will see what a piece of work I used to be. You will see that my W has been far from angelic also.

What has worked so far (some of this may surprise you):

Quitting angry outbursts
Quitting thoughtless actions
Quitting complaining
Keeping my word
Exercising compassion, generosity and inclusiveness where before I would have been self-centred

also...
playing hardball and being uncompromising where infidelity is concerned. I went very, very dark for about one month. I was not intimidated by my W's wrath when I exposed her adultery, lies and deceit to her family. At the same time I was very honest about what a total jerk I had been to live with.

This may go against some DBing doctrine but, in my experience typical DBing won't work while an affair is in progress - and DBing is doing whatever works. The vile, sleazy thing that is adultery thrives in secrecy and whatever anyone says, exposure is critical.

My wife doesn't mention my past behaviour much these days but when she does (and I can tell if it's genuine bad feeling), I validate her and agree that I was wrong. If she uses it as a test, or to make me feel guilty then I pick up on that too and don't pander to her (most women test men, even if they don't realise they're doing it).

I am an enthusiastic supporter of snooping, gathering incontrovertible evidence that an affair is in progress and exposing without anger to family and employers, whilst GAL and DBing.

My situation is far from busted in my mind. There are still many, many things which need lots of improvement. For example, I do not trust my wife further than I can flick her with my little finger - and she is still doing very little to get my trust back. I have found whenever I gave her the benefit of the doubt that I was let down. Frankly, I would feel stupid to trust her at present.

Other resources which I have found extremely helpful so far include:

The Man's Guide to Great Reltionships and Marriage by David Cunningham - absolute dynamite and extremely true in relation to how women operate and what they respond to. I would recommend this to every man in a relationship.

Seven Principles for Making Marriage work by John Gottman. This particular book is superb - my W and I do most of what he recommends without even noticing it.