GH31 - Dilemma with my pregnant wife

[GH31]

I have not posted on here for 5 months but wrote some threads on here last year.

Well. My wife has been in an EA/PA for 18 months. It started in late January 2008 whilst we were living in Germany. OM was seconded to Germany at the time when the affair began but lives in the UK. W and I are from Australia.

I came home in January 2008 one day to find W and all of her stuff gone - she moved to England and in with OM. After three months of my W visiting me in Germany occasionally and us "seeing how we interact" I said to her if she wasn't in a position to commit to and recover the marriage then I would move back to Australia and back into our family home. She lied to me about timeframes and moved the goalposts too many times so I moved back. Lots of emails followed and I responded only to one. 25 days later, in May 2008 she grudgingly moved all of her stuff and herself back to Australia.

The last year has been incredible. In November/December 2008 this OM flew to Australia to try and get her to leave and go back to England. W ended up going on a trip with him for a few days but didn't leave. We were in separate rooms until the end of 2008 and she resolutely refused to wear her wedding ring. The wedding ring has been back on since January 2009 and she moved everything back into our old, large room. Pictures of us went back up on the mantelpiece and we bought new furniture and a car. All of this time she has been emailing OM professing undying love and saying she'll come but he did not respond for nearly six months; I know this from snooping thoroughly and independent verification.

Finally OM snapped after receiving all of these emails and forwarded them all to me. W called him for the first time in 6 months after finding this out and he hung up a few times. Eventually they spoke and she told him at the end of the conversation she was 12 weeks pregnant with my child. OM explained to me that he was really mad at her and disgusted with what lowlife she is, and that W does not deserve me. The next day he wrote to me asking me to "stop this" saying that he needed to move on, wanted me to forgive him and to "clear his conscience" and that there was "no going back now". He told me I am a "far better person than she is" and that "she lies as easily as she breathes". He has sent one hate filled and venomous email to my wife and copied me in on a few that she has sent back; as far as I know that has been it.

During the entire time she has been back, even when we were in separate rooms we did everything together, went to all family functions, went on trips together, taken baths together and had sex several times each week - sometimes as many as 4 times in one day. In fact, we have done virtually everything that a happily married couple does with one exception - she has not said "I love you" to me in 18 months. I just don't understand why, given everything that has happened, we are not divorced and that we have carried on as we have. I have even asked my W why we're married and she's said "it's for the best", "the love will come back eventually" etc.

I honestly have no idea why she came back to me if she was supposedly so "in love" with this guy and hurt him like she has.

I just wanted to share my situation here. I make no apologies for fighting for my marriage so far. I was a terrible husband (verbally abusive and selfish) beforehand but have long since purged these behaviours and have by my own standards at least - become honorable. Intellectually I think I need to let my W go for my own good but as depraved as it sounds I still love her.

I will copy and paste the emails from OM here in subsequent posts. W has changed from being her chatty self over the last few months to being extremely icy, cold, belligerent and withdrawn these last few days. I have told her how disgusted I feel due to her lies, deceit and adultery. She has asked me to have some sympathy for OM (she "hates it that he hates her") to which I gently replied "he pursued another man's wife and experienced emotional pain as a consequence. It is simply the Law of Cause and Effect meting out justice as it does".

Thoughts anyone? I would welcome any posts. I must admit I think it's great that I am a father-to-be; I just wish the circumstances were different.

[foreverhesaid]

Dear GH31,

Wow, I don't know if I can give much encouragement since my situation is not at all similar. Just know that you have been heard, and have my deepest sympathy.

I would suspect that your wife's recent withdrawal and bitterness is that she is having to realize how horrible she has been to you, and how much damage she did. I believe that when the person having an affair breaks it off, they still go into a period of mourning. Even though they have made the decision to come back to their spouse, they are still mourning the feelings of 'high' they used to have with the affair partner. Now all she can see is a long and uphill road working on what she destroyed. Have you read the Divorce Busting section on Affairs? It may really help you and her in trying to deal with everything.
Good luck, I hope everything works out. tut mir leid!

[Hollygoheavy]

I agree with Forever. When I made the decision to end my affair and work on my marriage (which precipitated MY coming to these boards since my husband was also having an EA and isn't sure what he wants now), I did it knowing it's what I wanted and what was the right thing to do. It didn't stop me from missing the man I was having an affair with though. Anytime my husband has been distant or cold or I've had a bad day dealing with the whole situation, I want to run to this OM. In your situation, your wife can't run to him, he's cut her off and in addition, seems to be pretty angry and callous to her.

I'd just lay back and let her have some time. She's pregnant with you and seems to be committed to the marriage and to be honest, a statement like "the love will come back" is HUGE. Most of our spouses DON"T think they will ever feel that way about us again, and she's at least open to the concept that it can. Don't forget she's likely hormonal as well, so keep that in mind.

Try try try to be patient and loving with her. I think you're in a good place (in my very limited and inexperienced opinion).

[PortlandDad]

GH31,

What is it that you want? Except for the recent 'cold' behavior, your sitch seems mostly positive for you. Your W is home with you and the OM is now out of the picture. You don't know how many people on these boards would give their left arm to just have those two simple events in their own sitches!

Let me ask you: Are you currently DB'ing? If you aren't, then why not? You say that you are unapologetic in fighting for your marriage, so I take that to mean that you are DBing. If that is true, then what 180s and techniques are you employing, and what has been the outcome of those actions?

You haven't provided a lot of details about how you were before, but it sounds like your W might have some resentment toward you from how you treated her. Have you tried compassion? Acceptance? Those things can be incredibly hard, especially for the LBS who remained faithful and waited. When the wayward spouse returns, it is natural to feel vengeful and angry. What our Sp really needs is compassion; to be able to feel safe in their choice to come back. Coach told me months ago that I needed compassion in my sitch, too, and that was before my W had committed to coming home. I wasn't as compassionate as I should have been, and my recent treatment of my W has been vengeful and demeaning. As a result, she is having second thoughts about coming home. Try to use kindness, compassion, and love to temper your own feelings of hurt, loss, and betrayal. Once she is comfortable with you and feels 'safe' at home as with you as a husband, lover and confidant, she will open up and the "I love you's" will return.

[Sara]

GH,

Congratulations on the pregnancy. 12 weeks is a very strong milestone, as you know. I hope your wife will settle down after this. I don't know if your wife was just playing with her own emotions, or OM's emotions, or if she is in need of real psychological help. But the fact that OM says he is finished with her is good for both of you. It seems to me that your wife has a very rich fantasy life. I hope that she will invest as much time and effort in her real life, especially after the baby comes.

[GH31]

Hello Dad,

Thanks for the response.

I would say I am DBing although because I have been at it for 18 months, most of it is now unconscious habit. The biggest 180 has been conquering my horrible temper, verbal abuse and self-centredness. I consider my wife in all decisions that I make.

My W does resent the way I treated her before and certain things in the past. When in the throes of her affair she used it all as justification for her actions. What I resent in the time she has been home is the continued contact with OM after she told me it was over and the multiple lies I caught her in.

As far as leaving me 18 months ago, I was hell for her to live with so am not angry about that. Have a look at some of my earlier posts and you will see what a piece of work I used to be. You will see that my W has been far from angelic also.

What has worked so far (some of this may surprise you):

Quitting angry outbursts
Quitting thoughtless actions
Quitting complaining
Keeping my word
Exercising compassion, generosity and inclusiveness where before I would have been self-centred

also...
playing hardball and being uncompromising where infidelity is concerned. I went very, very dark for about one month. I was not intimidated by my W's wrath when I exposed her adultery, lies and deceit to her family. At the same time I was very honest about what a total jerk I had been to live with.

This may go against some DBing doctrine but, in my experience typical DBing won't work while an affair is in progress - and DBing is doing whatever works. The vile, sleazy thing that is adultery thrives in secrecy and whatever anyone says, exposure is critical.

My wife doesn't mention my past behaviour much these days but when she does (and I can tell if it's genuine bad feeling), I validate her and agree that I was wrong. If she uses it as a test, or to make me feel guilty then I pick up on that too and don't pander to her (most women test men, even if they don't realise they're doing it).

I am an enthusiastic supporter of snooping, gathering incontrovertible evidence that an affair is in progress and exposing without anger to family and employers, whilst GAL and DBing.

My situation is far from busted in my mind. There are still many, many things which need lots of improvement. For example, I do not trust my wife further than I can flick her with my little finger - and she is still doing very little to get my trust back. I have found whenever I gave her the benefit of the doubt that I was let down. Frankly, I would feel stupid to trust her at present.

Other resources which I have found extremely helpful so far include:

The Man's Guide to Great Reltionships and Marriage by David Cunningham - absolute dynamite and extremely true in relation to how women operate and what they respond to. I would recommend this to every man in a relationship.

Seven Principles for Making Marriage work by John Gottman. This particular book is superb - my W and I do most of what he recommends without even noticing it.

[saffie]

GH,

Congratulations on the pregnanacy.

Your W sounds as though she is smarting from the rejection of her by OM. I suspect she really liked the 'spice' of having another person worship her. I also think she enjoys having the memory of OM and their fling to escape to in her head and fantasise about.....it's exciting. In addition, you already know from past behaviours, your W pursues that which she cannot have- whether that be you or OM.

I know you love this woman, but can you permanently live your life like this. It strikes me that your W has learnt that by behaving like a b!tch you have curbed your temper and improved your treatment of her. Now you need to work out what you can do to make her see that by acting in a truthful and loving way your R/M improves and benefits her even further, because you seem to be stuck in the bit where she knows that by behaving badly ....or at least making you think she is behaving badly.....keeps you being 'good' to her.( Seems like she has perhaps gotten hold of a copy of the book 'Why Men Marry Bitches').

I find it hard to beleive that she can have sex with you on such a regular basis, and be having a baby with you, and that she doesn't actually love you. Unless of course she really is a complete whacko.

I have to ask this based on your W's prior behaviour....are you 100% sure the baby is yours? She couldn't have hooked up with another man in Australia could she and be using emails to the UK guy as a diversionary tactic? I would certainly want a paternity test after the baby is born- purely because of your W's previous history.

I am sorry that things are not settled for you GH. I remember when you first started posting. You have made huge changes and your W needs to stop playing games with you; especially now there is a child involved.

[InLikeFlynn]

Hopefully now she will turn that part of her heart that she continued to give to the OM back to you. Its great that the relationship between them crashed the way it did and did not linger for years!!! She gave you herself physically but her heart to the OM. Its funny because it was reverse when she was with him!! It should be interesting now that she doesn't have the OM and you found out her continued contact.....how she will respond from this point on!!

[GH31]

Hello Saffie,

Great to hear from you again. I took a 5 month hiatus from this board and will probably take another soon as it does wear on me.

Last night W mentioned that she "wants us to fall in love again" and that things need to be "fixed as soon as possible". This morning we woke up at 4am, made love three times then drove into Sydney for coffee before work. I just don't get it - how we have sex, do everything together, take baths together with all of the bad stuff going on in the background.

I know you love this woman, but can you permanently live your life like this. It strikes me that your W has learnt that by behaving like a b!tch you have curbed your temper and improved your treatment of her.

No I can't live like this permanently. In fact in recent months whenever W has tried to test me or bring things up to start a fight I have responded in a brusque way - not inconsiderate or nasty but I have asked her bluntly what exactly it is that she's cross about. For example the other day we lost each other after going to a theatre performance and she rang my mobile to tell me where she was. When I got there she started attacking my character - I was annoyed too but the whole thing was pretty trifling. I bluntly told her "it's a nuisance that we lost each other, tell me ... why exactly is my character under attack?". I have not reverted to my old ways and neither have I pandered or supplicated to her. This has made her settle down considerably.

The more that time goes on, the more I can imagine life on my own. Given the length of time that this has taken, I can see that my wife has major character flaws also and that her own behaviour has been far less than angelic. I have wondered many times whether I exercised good judgement in the first place by marrying her and that makes me sad.

I have to ask this based on your W's prior behaviour....are you 100% sure the baby is yours? She couldn't have hooked up with another man in Australia could she and be using emails to the UK guy as a diversionary tactic?

That's a great question Saffie and one with which I have already grappled. I have snooped through her emails very thoroughly and there hasn't been a time that I've been unable to account for her whereabouts. She hasn't been "acting weird" in a way that would make me suspicious either. I remember you saying once that you would be able to "spot cheating a mile off" after it has happened to you. So, I'm about 99% certain that the child is mine but I will get a paternity test done. In fact, I came home a fortnight ago after a few drinks, sat down on the lounge and casually mentioned to W and her father that I would be getting one done.

[InLikeFlynn]

Just a suggestion....she wants to fall in love....lay off the sex for awhile. Maybe start the week knowing no sex until Friday night. Then use the week to flirt with each other. Do loving things together etc. Build up to the weekend. Everyday its about each other....she has to participate too!!

Just a thought!!