Divorce looming #14

[K4D]

Thanks. Tonite went fine. I went over and got the kids and most of their stuff. W is going to bring over a few more things for them to have this week. I may be asleep when she gets here. But she has a key to let herself in. It actually comes in handy at times.

I think today was just kind of an emotionally hard day for me for some reason. Like you said, I guess it comes and goes.

You were right about one thing 25. I was using tactics. I was thinking to myself I can't keep up this pace of being gone all the time. I just didn't want to be at home alone. But this is something I will have to balance out going forward.

I think the thing I can't get over is I can understand her wanting out for at least a while. I can even understand the legal divorce although I don't agree with it. But I don't understand her taking up with other married men. I can't understand that or wrap my mind around that one. I may never understand that one.

But like you said... baby steps. I can't reason with her or talk with her about any of it and so I don't. I just hold it together in front of her. Right now I am not even exciting or pumped in front of her. I am just nice in front of her. I did start a conversation with her tonite at her house about the economy and how people stopped paying their mortgages when Obama said money was coming. It was a brief chat, but it was something that did not have anything to do with the kids.

I seem to be able to get small doses of chats here and there that do not have anything to do with the kids. But they are very short conversations. Its more about the kids than anything else.

Its weird. I don't bring to much to the apartment and I try to keep as little in it as possible always hoping for a turn around that is probably not going to happen until at least 2 or 3 years down the road at the earliest. So I guess I haven't totally accepted this yet since I have not allowed myself to just fully move in yet and I have only taken what I truly need to get by with.

So this is my week coming up. We start our first real cycle at work. No more practice. My boss is going to be here from New York this week. I might have an interview for a real BA position this week. My W might finalize the D this week. Its my kids last week of school. They will be getting picked up early each day by MIL. Lonelyrzr is flying in and I will be having dinner with him on Wednesday night. D11 has an awards ceremony Tuesday night. So I have alot going on this week. And I have to get my mind under control. I didn't make it to the doctor this weekend so I am thinking about going tomorrow night to get some meds to help me.

I just can't seem to settle into this apartment and think of it as home. I keep thinking of it as temporary. I need to get a grip on it all.

I need to focus back on God and get my faith in him for me and him and not for my W.

Alright, tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what it holds.

Baby steps, baby steps. One day at a time.

Kevin