PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

No, I am not out to punish anyone. I just figured I was extremely accomodating in the past. I would do anything for anyone. Now, not so much. I just meant I would not go out of my way for that family again.

If they want to see kids, then that's fine. My MIL lives on the other side of the earth. I am not going to take the kids there, take a month off to pretend to be nicey nicey with her family while my insides are falling apart.

Again, if she wants to come, that is fine. If H wants to take kids, that's fine also. But I am not going to waste my time with that anymore. MIL could have called us over last three months if she was so concerned about us, but she didn't. Over the past year, it was always me that called her. Only now she is reaching out because I am pulling back. It's the rope dynamic.

My H needs his mother in his life, he needs someone who understands him and knows him. I have always encouraged their relationsip. I would never stand in the way of that.

I also have encouraged the kids to have a R with their grandmother. But I think she is asking too much of me this time. I do have a shred of self-respect left. Not going to do everyone's bidding anymore.

They can get upset at me all they like. But it seems like they expect me to remain the same when the whole circumstances have changed.

I don't need to 'teach H a lesson'. In fact, I don't need to do anything, he has his conscience to deal with. If he really wants to see kids, he can see them anytime. Not just on weekends. But he has self-imposed time schedules. He doesn't call them during the week. I see that he wants to do his duty rather than he really wants to be with them and spend time with them or is happy with them.

It's no good when it's duty that motivates a person because it doesn't last. It gets old and it's not a reward in itself.

He is more concerned with being seen as a good dad in the eyes of his mother, C and the kids. It's not the same as wanting to be a good dad because he loves fatherhood and he loves them and can't bear to be away from them. That is a huge difference.

He knows this and he knows that I know this. I think this is why he won't come back ever. Because through my eyes he can see all of his falseness. Stuff that he tells himself. Lies that he chooses to believe in. And until he confronts himself on these lies, he will always choose to hide behind the facade. Not seeing me makes the facade more real. He can tell his mother, his C and his GF anything and they will believe him because none of them get the whole story. He tells them bits and pieces and shows himself in the best light.

I, on the other hand, sees the real man. The man with all of his good points and his faults. He doesn't want to be reminded of his faults, I don't remind him, he just sees his faults because he knows that I see everything. So he avoids me.

I think he will have very shallow relationships from now on. It will be too vulnerable for him to show his whole self to his partners. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He doesn't want to be challenged to become a better man.

That is why he said, 'OW doesn't expect anything from me.' No responsibility, no expectations. Shallow R.

I am not sure if he will yearn for anything deeper. Probably not. He can't handle it. I think he wants 'peace' in exchange for a deeper understanding and love.

I understand now that I can't love like that. I can't go with the shallow relationship with half-truths and with people who won't reveal themselves. I am an open person and want to share everything good and bad.

I can see now we are not compatible.