Hi nicoles, I guess I can't tell you what the right thing to do was as I am still trying to figure it out for myself! but I think I would have responded too, to acknowledge the effort to reach out and keeping it neutral I think was good. after all (I tell myself) it is his choice to leave that led him to this path and the consequences.
I bet that really did take you by surprise too!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Ok...so this afternoon H brought the kids home from their first weekend with him. I was so happy to see them and H hung out at the house for about 1/2 hour. We talked, he ate some of the food I was making, he grabbed some bills. All was pleasant, we even joked and laughed about a bowl that he wanted that I said he couldn't have...made a joke about it. Then he was looking thru a stack of stuff and found pics of us we had taken a couple years ago. They were pics of all four of us and he took a big stack of them with him. Then he asked me what my plans were for 4th of July and if I would think about letting him take the girls for it. Ugh. Just when I thought I was making progress...I think I expected too much out of that text from last night..I thought he was trying to tell me something. I guess he has NO plans for reconciling... not by the 4th of July at least and I feel like a dummy for getting my hopes up.
On the plus side...there was a single rose out on the counter that I had gotten from a guy at the bar last night. (he bought them for everyone at our table) H asked me where I got it. And he also gave me a nice, long hug when he left. It felt good...but the point is that he left. Went home to his house...I put on a good act, acting "as if" I was totally fine with everything. And I guess I still have to count my baby steps. Man, I wish it wasn't so hard to keep a PMA...UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, you are doing absolutely fabulous, What did he say about the rose? I hope you have plans for July 4th, you and your daughters should have a good time together.
He asked me where I got it. I just said "at the restaurant that I went to last night". And then D8 started in asking me all kinds of questions about the rose...(little instigator!)...which I mostly laughed at and ignored! dburt...you say I am doing fabulous, were you referring to the rose? I just journaled and worte down my "baby steps"...but am feeling negative tonight...wondering if H is thinking about me 2nite as much as I am thinking about him... It is funny how I was thinking about things so positively and then one comment like that 4th of July thing and I am a wreck again... I will plan on being with my girls on the 4th...especially since one of the toughest things to deal with is that H is making all these plans that don't include me. I wonder if he even thinks about how that makes me feel?????????????? Left out, alone, sad, rejected, and worst of all, an outsider where my own family is concerned. I can't stand it.
Yep, it sucks that one little comment can throw you off kelter. It happens to me sometimes and happened just a couple days ago. H made a comment about something and I just felt tears come to my eyes. I was sitting next to him so I had no choice but to blink them away in a hurry then get a little cry when I was by myself later. But whereas before I woud have been down for an entire day, I was only down for about an hour so I can tell you that it does get better with time.
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. These are all difficult because your plans would usually include both of you as a couple. It is tough and nothing anyone can say will make it easier. If he is making plans that don't include you, you make some great ones that don't include him. Easier said than done but what choice do we have? At first it is about surviving this but eventually it will get better. Eventually....
Thanks Kara... I too am getting effected for shorter periods of time...but the problem is, the ups and downs. As you know, it is hard to be constantly analyzing your sitch. It is exhausting. I am sure as sh$% one day that things are going well and are going to work out...then the next I am defeated and hopeless. I really am going to come up with some really good plans for the 4th, that don't include H. It is hard because I know he is planning something with our good friends, and especially if he wants the kids. Probably camping or something like that. Oh well, July 4th is a way off yet. Got bigger fish to fry till then....like finding a place to live!!!
Nicole, this is all so new. You are really doing well. The roller coaster is tough but trust me, it feels better than ambivalence (which is what I am getting from H now). Your H is trying to sort it out; has to follow through to some degree and have the experience but seems to be struggling with it.
Miss the guy that is trying to break up your family? Hey, it is time to let him go, turn your back on him and treat him just like another person that you have just met. I know that is easier said than done, but it is imperative that you detatch, it is the way to be a better you, for yourself and your two children.
I use this one a bunch, but it really does apply, have you ever chased a dog, he will run and run while being pursued, but once you turn your back and walk away, he starts to follow you.
The waste product of this little chemical reaction, many times is a spouse that comes back, the main product is a better you.
