I sat down at my computer about 10 hours ago, seriously considering writing a suicide note, procrastinating (because I couldn’t think of a way of doing myself in that was painless and neat) I googled ‘how can I save my marriage’ and the first link I saw took me to this site. I’ve been reading here ever since.
I feel shy writing on here. I have never written on a public internet thingy before. I am writing because I have made so many mistakes since my adulterous, disloyal, faithless, treacherous, two-timing, ass of a husband told me he’s sleeping with the widow of his best friend - that I need someone to reassure me that my case is not hopeless.
He told me 2 weeks ago. It came completely out of the blue. I still can’t believe it. He walked into the kitchen after work on Tuesday night and just said it. He said Hello first. Like normal. He came in, said Hello, kissed me on the forehead – and goes “Will, I know you have been pretty cranky about me spending so much time with &@%*. I have to tell you what’s really going on. I’m fcuking &@%*.”
My first reaction was perfect (according to what I’ve read here). I just looked at him, raised my eyebrows and said ‘darling, I’m so sorry she’s the best you could do. I feel insulted for you.’ And I got my bag and went out. But then it all went wrong.
I went to my girlfriend’s place and told her what he said. Turns out she knew!!! Her husband is friends with my husband – he knew and told his wife – 2 months ago!!##!! I was so hurt. I think everyone knows. Everyone except me. I think even my step kids know.
My girlfriend (and her husband came in halfway through) told me all these things that all our friends and acquaintances are saying. She told me horrible facts about times I’ve thought he was somewhere, but he’s been somewhere else with her – in public. My friend’s husband gave me evidence that I just couldn’t refute. I think for those first few hours I was in denial. I had NEVER had one minute’s doubt in that man’s faithfulness to me. NEVER in a million years did I think he would go with someone else. He adored me. He’s adored me for 15 years. We were the PERFECT couple. What happened?
I’ve been reading about deaths starting MLCs?? His best friend died about 8 months ago. I’ll call best friend Buck. I’ll call &@%* Mutt. Buck was diagnosed with serious cancer about 2 years ago. It was devastating for our whole circle. We are very close - well we were very close then. Buck was the Alpha male. He was super successful, hugely popular, very clever, reasonably handsome – you know, the whole package. What made him even more special was his tragic history. He and his wife (Mutt) – {even though half of me feels awful calling her that because I feel so sorry for her and I still think she’s really vulnerable) had lost 2 children – one of them after a long and distressing illness) and it nearly killed them. After the second death Buck went into professional overdrive, worked his butt off and excelled in his field. Mutt became a recluse – marinating in her grief.
B (my double-crossing, faithless husband) has been friends with Buck forever. They went to uni together. Buck and Mutt married young so the three of them had been tight for years before I came along. B has always had a soft spot for poor Mutt – but he’s always represented it as a “your so weak and pathetic it’s important to safeguard you” kind of way.
It is true that since Buck died I have told B I feel jealous of the amount of extra time he’s been spending with &@%*. Even though I complained about it and probably insinuated it could appear there was something inappropriate going on – I NEVER ACTUALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE GOING ON. NEVER NEVER NEVER.
Anyway, from the moment I got home from my girlfriend’s place on that first night – until late yesterday – I have behaved like a mad woman. I can’t seem to control myself. I can’t control how angry I am and how much I want to show him how angry I am. Even though after reading here I can see that’s the worst thing I can do. I don’t know if I can stop.
I’ve begged him to stop seeing her. He says he can’t do that. She’s “our” friend and it’s a tough time for her and she needs “our” support. I said she’s made it very clear she doesn’t want my support (which is another story, that makes sense to me now that I know what’s going on) she only wants your support. He agreed that she’s “got a few problems with me at the moment”. (Yeah – like I’m married to her lover!!!) I said well usually when there is some “problem” between one of us and one of our friends we take each others side – because we are a team – because we are MARRIED. He just says things like – well things are different at the moment. and I love you Will, but I love her too. I don’t want to lose you, but I’m not giving her up. I’ve been trying to talk sense into him – but now I realise he’s not hearing me.
A couple of nights ago, he was late coming home. I was so paranoid that he was with her that I called him. He didn’t answer the phone – so I kept ringing and ringing and ringing. I called his number nearly 100 times. He said it was on silent so he just didn’t hear it – but then he called me a psycho for calling that many times. The problem is – he’s right. I drank too much another night and I got into this fight with him and I was just screaming at him, behaving so inappropriately. I’m so ashamed of myself - but there is this rage covering this horrible, hopeless pain and I’ve never felt anything like it.
I fantasize about screaming at her too – screaming and worse. After I went crazy the first night, B advised her to go away for a while. She left the next day and has gone away to her sisters. I don’t know if I would have confronted her – but I’m pleased I haven’t had to make the choice. I don’t know when she’s coming back - she may already be back actually for all I know. Oh Goodness – don’t think about that Willow.
So – I don’t know if I’ve made any sense at all really – but I’d love help/advice on what I can do to redeem the situation. Part of me never wants to see him again – but part of me wants nothing more than to wipe out the past months as if they’d never happened.
