PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks so much Hope, Lola, Karen, Kevin, 25yrs, mdoodles. I am experiencing a very strange sensation.

She is pursuing, begging and I see it as pathetic and not very persuasive. The more she begs and complains, the more I want to run away from it.
INTERESTING INSIGHT ALL PURSUING LBSers SHOULD READ...

I know she is in a tough spot. I do have compassion for her feelings. But, as I told my brother today, I don't feel obligated to go out of my way anymore. When she met the OW, while staying with me, I felt that she has betrayed me. So now I don't need to go out of my way and take the kids to see her. H can do it, he is her son. He should be the one responsible for the kids' relationship with his mother, not me. I have my own hands full and my own relatives to care for and be responsible for.

It sounds heartless, I am not usually this way.
Nope, you sound as if you are setting boundaries....healthy ones.

I used to be 'treat everyone the way that I want to be treated'. Now I am more cynical. Now I feel that 'I treat people the way they treat me. If they care for me and is respectful, then I will be respectful back. If they hurt me and don't care for me or my feelings, then I won't go out of my way to take care of them'. I gave her a chance, she blew it.

Don't know how I feel about all that but then, hey, who cares how I feel? Seriously, do what you think is right BUT that does mean searching your heart for what is right VERSUS what is vengeful. I AGREE that you have to set the boundaries and ya da ya da but I just dont' buy into the whole "punish her b/c she betrayed you" although you are correct that she did betray you, STILL, what about the kids R's with her and what you may be doing to them?

Most importantly, I support your view that Your H and your MIL are responsible for their R's with the kids; NOT YOU. It is NOT YOUR JOB to make sure THEY see the kids. Just don't block it WHEN IT'S REASONABLE for them to be with the kids and that includes when it works for YOU.

You have primary responsibility for them thanks to choices you did NOT make but are stuck with. So be it. I'd keep the message simple. They're responsible for their R"s and you are not. Period.

But yes, I found it hard to know for ME, to know when I was setting/enforcing healthy boundaries, versus "teaching my h a lesson," or "showing him the consequences of his actions," and eventually I realized that the latter options were just forms of being punitive and rationalizing it. The line is a fine one, and it gets really blurry at times. Just a thought.

You are doing well. Don't let them get to you regardless of your choices. In the end, if you do right by your children, I can't see you regretting that. Ever.

(( j ))