Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Hi Kenn.

Cause and effect...right. I did cause a lot of damage to those I loved over the years.

I did let them down, especially her. My actions were caused by my own insecurities that had nothing to do with her.It made me resentful and angry.

I was pretty verbally abusive at times. I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't have the tools necessary, I guess, at the time, to know how to deal with the problems I had. I vented my anger and resentment at those I cared about the most. She put up with a bunch over the years.

She reminds me of the WAW that Michelle writes about on the homepage. I think back over the years, and she put up with more than any 10 women put together would have. I was such a prick and an idiot. Denying that truth won't help me get better. I was very wrong, plain and simple, and now things are what they are as a result. I do wish that she had made a different choice, such as 'threatening to leave' if things didn't improve.

She has a lot of painful memories from over the years of things that I said and did. I never laid a hand on her in anger. She was truly a great wife to me.

Our marriage stagnated also and we quit focusing on 'us', especially after our smaller kids were born.

I do wish I had done things differently. I wish to God I knew then what I know now. I wish I saw and felt and thought about things then like I do now. It was overwhelmingly me, and to deny that would be dishonest.

Yeah Kenn, I read your posts...and I like them. She was always the giver, and she gave a lot...until she decided to leave.

Overwhelmingly, it is my fault. I know 'it takes two', but I really screwed up. That's one reason why this is so difficult. There are many things I could have done better...and I know it would have made a difference...another reason this is so hard. I am doing my best now, and I have learned so much.

I intend to 'hang in there'. I miss her, and I miss our family being together. I don't know if I'll get another chance or not! But I needed to make the changes that I am making regardless. I hope she'll forgive me in time and heal, I hope our kids will forgive me and heal, I do believe that God has forgiven me because I have truly repented and have genuine remorse and regret for my behavior, and I'm still working on forgiving myself. She has a tremendous amount of anger to work through. I basically didn't have the compassion that I should have had towards those that were most important to me. I'm so sorry for that.