Not much to talk about...just here because celebrating my birthday a couple days ago just made me think about how much has changed in my life over the past year. I'm no longer devastated or even hurt by the end of my marriage - instead I'm relieved to find that underneath all the pain I felt for so many months was a healthy person just waiting to emerge. When B first started talking about D, she did so in terms of defining me - accusing me of being an angry man, accusing me of ruining her life, setting obstacles in front of her, not respecting her, abusing her...a lot of things...some of it true...a lot of it not-so-true...
At first, I responded in a way that I think we're encouraged to respond through this site - in a way that makes a lot of sense for many relationships/marriages that need a tune up - that need some major changes for both people to recognize how they can make things better. Such was not the case for me - rather, my efforts to validate B's words and actions merely seemed to confirm for her the idea that I was anything she would accuse me of being. Eventually, and after much soul-searching, many tears, several sessions with a marriage counselor and with my own T, I discovered that I was determined, in an unhealthy way, to recover the love of someone that was more determined to harm me than to care for me in a healthy, giving way.
I was very unhappy before B dropped the bomb - and had even mentioned divorce to her myself on many occasions. For me, it was a way (a bad way, to be sure) of expressing my frustrations with our marriage - my disappointments with things that would not change - and my sadness at feeling so used by her - and so often confronted with her anger.
B had an affair just before our baby was conceived - just months after we were married - and she was entering into an EA when she decided to drop the bomb...using many of the same words she had used to defend the man of her PA - "he's a good person", "he diffuses anger", "he's patient," "he's not like you" etc...When she started using these same words with me again I knew something was going on outside of our marriage - and yet I tried to keep things going...and as I read the books I tried to use a lot of the techniques...
My mistake...and I think it's a common one...was to think that I could "save my marriage" through the DB techniques. I could not do that...all I could do - and for this I am grateful for having found the site and the books - was save myself. It took me many, many months to come to terms with the idea of saving myself - and allowing B to travel her journey on her own - but once I did, I understood so much more about what it means to be detached and what it means to love someone in a healthy way.
I was talking with a dear friend of mine recently about something really significant that occurred to me recently...As I was driving home, I started thinking about how I react to people when I am critical of them. What I noticed is that often, maybe most of the time, when I am feel emotional about my criticism of someone - whatever I am saying has more to do with me than with them. It's the classic scenario of projection - and I'm very aware of it in myself now...along with that awareness, however, I've also noticed that when I am critical of someone, and don't feel any emotion about it - that I can respond with a lot more reason and sense to their behavior.
For instance, my former landlords turned out to be unethical people who had no issue with stealing from their tenants...in terms of property - and unreturned security deposit. I find their behavior abhorrent - but I have no anger about it - just a determination to make it right according to the law. They flaunted the law and took advantage of my situation - and yet I don't feel angry about it - rather - I feel like I just have to take care of the situation and continue to move on. It's an attitude that I learned from my interactions with B.
She's accused me of so many things now that have nothing to do with me - and so now, whenever she throws out the threats to call the police (which still happens whenever I disagree with her about our son)I don't take the bait at all. I just process the words - process the threat - and think about how to move on without being engaged in her way of thinking. In other words, I won't allow another person to determine who I am based on the dynamic they try to create. B has been trying to start an argument with me for a couple weeks now - and I'm just not interested in playing into it at all...and she seems thrown off by it - but I find myself going on with my days without being affected by her anger and her moods...it's quite calming.
So what am I trying to say? Well, if you're a newcomer to this site - I would suggest that you allow yourself to go through your process of healing as best you can. It will be painful - and it may take longer than it has for others here and it may happen for you quicker than it has for others - but it will only happen at your pace, and you will feel things when you are ready to feel them. There's a lot of pain involved in both saving oneself and in rescuing a marriage - but that pain always yields to new strength...just as the tiny tears in a muscle make it stronger as it heals.
Our hearts, our capacity to love, our relationships, they may not have an overt physicality, but they seem no less governed by the rules of the body. Love can heal from pain - love can be strengthened through pain - but it requires the effort of loving oneself - the risk of loving oneself - to make that healing possible.
