New developments... Need advice!

[bluerain]

Last february my H started having an A, with a shiny new 22 y/o. It ended in july, and I have been dbing my butt of since. He lives in VA on a temporary duty assignment with the military, and I live in Alaska.

We have started to communicate again, via text messaging. Had some good conversations. And almost 1 year to the day since he moved out, I got this message:
I just want you to know that I'm incapable of finding a relationship now because of the emotional connection I've re-established with you. I dont know what that means exactly, but either I need to sever this so I can move on, or we need to see where we stand. Before I hit send, I just want you to know that I realize how importatn this is and if you never want to hear from me again, I'd understand. I'm sorry if this disrupts your life. I really dont know what this means for either of us. Dont respond now, Ill maybe talk to you tomorrow.

I havent responded yet... I dont know how to. I want us to work out more than anything, but I dont want to respond emotionally and screw everything up. Advice???

[bluerain]

He just said that he misses our life and me, and that he wants to try again... I really dont know what to do now!

[aliveandkicking]

Jeez, I can't be the only person here who can give you advice. But, here goes. What do you want? I mean, he is telling you where he is at which is basically confused. Can you take that journey with him? Can you pace yourself and continue to DB and GAL and not allow your life to sink into his on a dime?

I don't even know your history and I just stumbled onto your thread.

If you were giving advice to someone else in your sitch, what would you say? Really, honestly. I've seen your advice to others and it is good. I think you have your answers. Sorry I can't do more. Besides, you've probably already responded.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Bluerain,

I'm not familiar with your sitch, but for starters, I wouldn't respond AT ALL immediately. Wait a few days. You don't want to appear to be just hanging on a string, waiting for him to yank it all these months later.

For starters, how do you know his affair is over?

Just curious, what time of day did he send you the message?

Puppy

[bluerain]

Puppy, Thanks for your reply,

She was a married woman who has been having serial A's. My H was just another notch on her belt. She was already dating someone else during thier A. I have a brother and several friends who live in the same town as them. He made a trip to see her (we lived in a different town in Alaska) and found her with this new man. Surprise! A married woman who is willing to have A's with M men has trouble being faithful! She is still in Ak, and he is in Va. Im still in Alaska too. I guess that it just makes sense that the A is over. Ive also talked to my MIL a few times since all this happened and she also confirmed that it is over.

He sent the original message at about 2 am Va time. The next one he sent was at about 4 pm Va time. The first one Im sure was booze fueled, but the second one Im fairly certain he was sober for. The first was friday the 29th, and the second was yesterday.

I didnt respond directly to the message, but I did tell him that Im sorry to keep him hanging, but I really want to make sure that my response is well thought out and not just a knee jerk emotional reaction.

I know at this new job he is around older men, not just the new recruits like he has been, so hopefully he is getting some more realistic advice than just what some 18 y/o bachelor thinks. When he first moved out he was living with 3 guys between the ages of 18 and 20. Hes 32. It was ridiculous trying to talk sense with him. He actaully said once that only the younger guys understood. I felt like I was married to a 15 year old boy!

[bluerain]

We have talked and decided that we are going to take things slow, see where we are at the end of the summer and go from there.

Hes scheduled to be in Va for 3 more years, but he also is scheduled to re-enlist in sept. If he chooses to get out he will most likely move back here and work for the ferry system... something that I cant abide by. I cant deal with him being gone for weeks at a time with female coworkers on a cramped ship. Nope, sorry buddy, not after what you have done. Ideally he would stay in the CG at a shore billet while I learned to trust him again. But if he got out he could work on the tug boats and things like that and I dont think I would feel threatened.

Its the idea of him spending weeks around other women and away from me that worries me, because thats what happened last time. The tugs are all guys and they rarely go into a port for more than a day or two. I know that he is becoming less and less fond of the military however, so Im not sure how it would go over if I asked him to stay in.

Another thing: He is scheduled to be in Va for 3 more years (if he reenlists) but he has mentioned maybe talking to the detailer to see if he can come back to Ak. It seems like the military has recently put more emphasis on M, M soldiers are healthier, happier and more likely to perform well, so I think that if he went to his detailer and said "look, I need to save my M, and I cant do it from here" they might be a little more flexible than he thinks. And I know that he can "trade" billets with people, if someone, in a similar job, wants to go to Va from Ak, they can trade. I was at a point where I was willing to go to him, but I question that now. Isnt it his turn to bend over backwards?

[bluerain]

Well he was supposed to call me yesterday and he didnt. He said that his phone was acting up... Im not convinced, but he only has a cell phone, so maybe. Im 27 years old, I want to be a wife and a mother! I dont have time for this crap! Im so tired of this.

[bluerain]

I talked to H yesterday for about an hour. Kept things friendly and light, then I ended the convo because I was headed out with friends. We are still talking several times a day through text messaging, and I told him that it was really nice to talk to him the other night, and he said that it was nice to talk to me too.

The conversation really boosted my whole DBing morale and I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time. I just dont want to get sucked in and have him throw in the towel before we even get started. Hes always been such a quitter.

I guess I will wait for him to bring up the R talk. There are things that I want to talk to him about but I just dont know how to bring them up. I guess that now just isnt the time.

[whitelight]

If his phone was acting up, couldn't he just borrow a friend's phone or something? That's what I would do.

[bluerain]

He has one of those fancy iphones, but it doesnt work at his apartment. I dont know if I buy that excuse, but hes been in contact everyday since then.

Hes always been sort of non contact. It was like it embarrassed him, I remember the last time he held my hand, it was walking across the wal mart parking lot in 2002. I had asked him to hold my hand after that and he said it was like we were showing off. This ended up making me more standoff-ish to the physical affection he showed, like hugs. So, I dont think that he would ask to borrow a friends phone. Its just not like him, hes kinda lame like that.

We havent discussed it yet, but its one of the things that I plan to tell him that I need, physical affection, and by that I do not mean sex, I mean hand holding and hugs, sometimes... even in public!