Something just dawned on me from other people. Is H being this attentive because he knows the D-day is coming. His freedom is soon to be his?? I still have his marital settlement agreement that he wanted me to look over (2 weeks ago? ) he hasn't asked for it back.
For him to compliment me in any way is beyond anything he's done in the past. Maybe he feels less threatened by me because he knows divorce is coming. Or maybe on the slightest wim he might reconsider?
I know I need to GAL. I really do try (I think). It's alittle hard with my D4 - she goes to bed 7:30-8pm and my 1 horse town closes up by then. (except the small bar & the other strip club) and I don't want to go there. Since I get up @ 4:30 to feed the cows and get ready for work along w/D4 it's really hard just to keep my eyes open @ 9pm. I try to read when she goes to bed but I usually fall asleep. Pathetic I know. When I have time then it's barn cleaning or other outside chores that I have been neglecting. Like me cleaning my house. I pick it up but it needs a real good cleaning but after barn cleaning and yard work I'm too tired.
Maybe my lawyer will make him pay for a maid for me. Ha-ha, sure would be appreciated. Laundry & scrubbing floors & tubs. Oh well that's another dream. I actually never minded it before but now time seems alittle on the limited side !
I'm just venting - ignore me
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
You're doing one heck of a job keeping everything in fine order! Be proud of yourself, even if you don't get compliments, okay?
As far as the shower/stay over comment. I think he's testing the waters..to see if you're still leaving the door open a crack. I think you handled it very well. I think him sitting alone on his birthday is telling. Whether he shows it in front of you, he's doing alot of deep thinking and feeling sorry for himself for the position he's in right now. I would imagine there's alot of self-doubt...not just about you and the marriage, but about himself and if he's made the biggest mistake of his life.
I believe this is what they mean by sit on the curb and watch the WAS swing in the wind..by the noose, they themselves, fashioned. If he asks for your help to get loose from that noose, then it will be up to you and you alone to make that decision.
Good luck.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
May sound foolish, but I love when my D4 and I mow the lawn together. I have a large riding lawn mower and she sits on my lap with her "babies" and we all mow together. It takes me about 3 hours. D4 gets a little bored but she'll hop off for awhile and swing on her swingset and then hop back on. One weekend she actually fell asleep on my shoulder for the job. I loved it, she slept like a baby and then I could give her kisses while mowing. Ha --
With me working so far from home, I enjoy the weekends to just be at home. Plus I always have alot of work to do there. Inside house as well as outside. Not enough hours in the day.
Walking with my D4 in my corn field is fun too. We see what kind of animal tracks we can find. The other day she told me she saw a dinosaur paw print. Ha-ha
H came over last night to drop D4 off. He stayed until D4 bedtime but said he had to leave. I just said OK have a good night. He ended up staying for awhile. He told me he wasn't feeling well and was going to go home (his parents) I asked him if there was anything I could do. He said he just has alot on his mind and it's too much !! I just said if he needs to talk to someone that I can always be here to listen. I told him to take care and he said he's been taking care of himself since he was 12 years old and he sure can do it now. That is dillusional because he lived at his parents farm all his life, until he met and married me when he was 31. His friends said he was always spoiled (he was the 5th- last born). Even now he drops whatever he's doing to help his parents. (but he tells me he despises them!) Very mixed up feelings for him. He thanked me and gave me a hug.
The roller coaster ride continues for him and I. But I decided that if I have any money left over I'm going to buy a motorcycle for myself. I grew up on them (I have 2 brothers who always rode) so I thought that on H's weekends I can go riding. But then foolish logic set in. My luck I'd crash and have no medical insurance (he carries me now). Oh well !! Maybe someday
Have a good day
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
At least you're thinking of things you want to do. I really enjoy hanging out with my D's too. Nothing wrong with that. Mine are older, so I can go out and do other things too. Remember it doesn't have to be big stuff. I work and take care of home and yard and take classes when and where I can (working on degree). Still, I do things I'm interested in, like making jewelry, art, etc. You can work on you at home too. Just a thought.
The biggest thing (IMO)is detaching from him. With him there all the time, it's really hard. Don't know if it would help you to have him come and pick D4 up and take her with him to spend time and then drop her off without staying, but it's something to consider. I think it takes alot longer to truly detach when they are in your face all the time. Just my 2 cents.
Just got off the phone with my lawyer, she left me a voice mail at work this am. Of course she wants to make it hard on him. I just can't do that. My L thinks he's for sure in MLC. I told her - yea, I already know that. My L says he might change his mind before this is all thru. I told her about you Grace and how great it has been to "talk" to someone.
Now I have to send her some more paperwork. This is sure depressing !! But it has to be done. I can't bury my head in the sand anymore.
Since I have nothing else to lose, I might just ask my H this weekend if this is what he really wants.
I foolishly texted him and told him my Lawyer left me a message, and what a shame this all is to have to go thru. We should have worked this out together and raised our daughter together under one roof. --- He texted back, I AGREE
I asked him what he meant by that and he never answered.
I think I just buried myself. Instead of showing strength, I weakened.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
So, you had a moment. Ok, it's over. Show your strength now. You can only do your best in any given moment. Then it's over.
I wouldn't bother asking him if it's what he really wants. He knows how to stop it if that is what he wants to do.
I'm glad that "talking" here is helping you. This bb has been a constant resource for me. The strength and generosity I have found here can't be repaid.
Do something really nice for yourself on the days you're feeling low. Doesn't have to cost alot (or anything for that matter) or take you away from home. Just pamper yourself. You do deserve it you know.
Your H is still around and seems friendly to you. That's a plus. Even though the D is fast approaching many here will tell you it is just a paper. You can keep being his friend and a safe place for him, and you can do that with boundaries to keep your sanity intact.
Some will call that being a doormat, others will say you are a rock. It's all perspective.
Packing up his clothes should not have to be up to you but you can take them to Goodwill and get a tax deductible receipt to save on your taxes next year.
Your H came from being the youngest spoiled child living with parents to your M. He's never had the opportunity to live and learn on his own, and probably never wanted it. How is his life now living back with his parents? what is his mom like?
You are a very strong woman that handles all the variety of tasks in your life. You have a career in town, you run your farm, you take care of the livestock, you are a mother, you maintain everything. IMO those are all wonderful qualities. BUT, you may make it hard for your H to fit into your life and carve his place with you. You don't NEED him, so he doesn't feel needed. That's a big deal for these males with fragile egos. You said he'll drop what he is doing to run and help his parents. He feels needed there. How do you validate his ideas and opinions? Have you read Five Love Languages? Mars and Venus? Stop Blaming Start Loving?
Quote:
Instead of showing strength, I weakened.
Strength is great. You may feel you weakened but why do you think that is bad? Weakness does not = fault. Sometimes maybe, but not always. It's okay to have a soft side, and show it to your H.
Balancing all your duties is not easy. How many cattle and how many acres and how many miles of fences? Do you have any neighbors you can trade work with? Many farm things need more than two hands to get done (at least at my place!). Offer to help them if they help you. Do you have 4H or FFA in your area? Those groups have a ton of kids and are always looking for ways to raise funds for their activities. The local school classes look for money to pay for their class trips. Make out a task list and have them out for a day and donate to their group. Community service groups are always looking for things to keep 'delinquent' charges busy too. They usually come with supervision so you don't have to worry.
Hoping your cattle stay on the right side of the fence....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Emotional weekend. I have tried to be strong and DB but I hit a weak point saturday. H and I talked so well together. He even said he'd miss us after the divorce. I told him then why doesn't he stop the divorce. He just said he couldn't. I don't get it. I told him he should stop it and we could stay married and raise our D4 under 1 roof but live our lives seperately. He said sounds like a good idea. I said ok, then lets do that. He said sorry, can't. He is so confused.
He was sitting outside on our step and I went over to him and played with his hair and I told him that I know he's going thru something that is keeping him away from us and that he can only come thru this himself. I told him that I wish I could help him but I can't. I started crying but tried to hold it in, but my tears were flowing. Then I said to him, please remember that I will always love you. He said I know. I walked into the house so I could cry for a minute in the bathroom.
I wanted to kick myself for losing my strength but I guess after he told me he was going to miss me, I was even more confused and desperate. I didn't beg with him but I just had to "talk" to him.
When I went back outside he was very quiet. H and D4 left shortly after that, it was daddy's weekend. After he left I went into our "new" barn (built for him) and sat at the picnic table and cried and threw rocks and screamed. I felt better after about an hour. Dried my tears, kicked myself in the butt and mowed the lawn for the next 2 hours.
I just feel so lost and alone, and I know it's not the pity party but I just had a low weekend.
This coming weekend is my b-day and my mother wants to take my D4 for the night. She says to give me a break to go out and have fun for my birthday. Problem is I usually don't celebrate my b-day and my H never usually acknowledged it anyway, but I might treat myself to a drink.
How goes it with you today?
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
