Nah....I had asked him a question that he could't come up with an answer for and that bothered him. He wanted to work out why he couldn't answer it. Here's the context of it:
Another of the girls and I got into a discussion about the best concerts we had been to. CG pipes in with the fact that he has never been to a concert! WTH? I don't think I've ever met anyone that hadn't been to at least one. Nope, doesn't like the idea of spending money to listen to the same music he could hear at home. We were telling him about the atmosphere and excitement of a concert, blah blah blah. He said it just wasn't something he does. OK then, that's when I asked him what he did like to do. I know he plays softball, but what else does he like to do that just brings him joy without involving another person really. He couldn't come up with an answer. That led us into the conversation and I have to say it was quite interesting.
Honestly, although I find him extremely attractive, funny, fun, and interesting, we have totally different tastes in just about everything. Also, I'm completely NOT his type, so there ya go!
Regarding Gabe, all I know is that watching him in pain makes me feel really bad for him even though I hate the choices he has made. Does that mean that I KNOW what is right for him? No. I do KNOW that unless he finds the strength and will to work on his issues, he won't find happiness in his life. Can I do anything about that? NO. Do I want to do anything about that? NO. I spill here what I feel. Not anything I'm taking action on. There is no action to take. He's no longer my H, not my concern unless what he is doing is hurting Marc. I know the choices I have made have not always been good for Marc either. I'm not saying I'm perfect....God knows I'm SO FAR from anything resembling that!
Ali, I do not want to reconcile with Gabe. Not ever. The pain will live with me forever and I can't go back there....back to the vomit!
Quote:
With respect to XH, you still think you know best, that you are right, etc, etc... People go through difficult stages in their lives, adults included. To get from A to C, you have to pass through B. There is a level of arrogance and know-it-allness that you still have with respect to XH.
Again, I don't know best. Basically, I know nothing. My own experience though tells me that unless a person who is hurting and miserable changes their situation then they will continue to be miserable. That's it. I don't tell Gabe what to do, I don't even make suggestions. He is on his own entirely. He now knows though that he no longer has any option here when his R with the broom implodes again. I won't have compassion toward him again. He proved to me that kindness and compassion have no place in our lives. Lesson learned.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ali, regarding compassion -- sure, part of Mish's concern for her XH's dating life traces to compassion. My point was that it is not all about that. A lot of it is still about her and her old R and pain, which I agree is perfectly understandable. Precisely because she is NOT at a place where she can have a no-personal-life-strings R with XH is why it is not good for either of them to attempt that at this point. It is totally dysfunctional. Imagine having an adult houseguest who is not courteous enough to share plans with you, even when he disappears for a night. Not good. If there weren't a lot of dysfunction in that living arrangement, XH would have simply said, "hey Mish, I'm going to see GF, may not be back until morning."
Mish,
Compassion doesn't require you to treat yourself poorly... Compassion means understanding that XH is doing his best, even if he is floundering, seeing the pain he must be in to be floundering so, and not judging him for not being able to do better right now. While you're at it, try to extend the same compassion to yourself.
Anyway, just keep it in your head that you really don't know best for XH. These cycles with his GF (not sure why you are continuing to use the toxic nickname you chose -- it isn't getting you anywhere...) may be teaching XH something each time. For instance, apparently there are costs to unemployment with respect to his R with her that he doesn't experience with you. My point is that you really don't know what is good for XH. Maybe he is learning how to grow up a little bit. Who knows? You don't. So don't judge.
"He is on his own entirely. He now knows though that he no longer has any option here when his R with the broom implodes again. I won't have compassion toward him again. He proved to me that kindness and compassion have no place in our lives. Lesson learned."
Yes, well, the first two sentences sound good. But, what exactly did he do that was so wrong when he stayed with you? Perhaps I missed something. I agree it was rude for him not to let you know that he would be out all night. But, this does not seem too horrible I guess. I must have missed part of the story.
OT, you make a good point. I was rude for him not to let me know he would be out all night (or at least let Marc know since he was expecting him back). The callous disregard for anyone's feelings or concerns took me aback. It reminded me why I really can't have anything to do with him.
My home is peaceful without him here. I know now it was a bad thing to have him in the house even if it was helping him. It didn't help me at all and caused the old pain to come to the surface again. I had it buried pretty well....again, live and learn.
Dysfunctional? Oh, you bet! There could not be any other kind of R between us at this point. I have made a choice to keep completely away from him at all times. Marc is old enough to make his own arrangements to see or not to see his dad. Unless it's an emergency, there is no reason to talk to him. I'm going back to dark because apparently I'm not as healed as I thought. Too raw, to lonely, and far too depressed to add his crap on top of that.
So, what to do now? No clue. How to survive the financial mess I'm in? NO IDEA! I've contacted every organization in the area and unless I was about to be evicted or my cupboards were totally bare or my electric was already shut off they won't do anything. As I said, I'm not destitute, I'm the working poor. I make just enough to keep me from getting any help, but not enough to actually meet all of my expenses and keep the wolves at bay. The only reason I have held on at all is because my mom keeps buying groceries, but she can't afford to do that anymore. I can't work any more hours than I do and there just are no jobs out there at all. So......until I'm homeless there is nothing more that can be done. I just live constantly on the edge of a very scary precipice...teetering constantly.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Didn't mow my lawn yesterday. Just couldn't bring myself to waste a beautiful day doing something I hate. I went for a bike ride with Marc instead. Great afternoon, hot but not humid which is pretty unusual for here. Had a bit of a wreck but came out of it with only a few scratches from my pedals so I'd say I did ok. I warned him before we went that his mom isn't too good at uphills (even gradual inclines kick my butt) but he took mercy on me.
After I got home and caught my breath I went out on a golfcart ride, took my book, and went to the lake and read for about an hour while the sun was starting to dip. It was beautiful! Such a nice day.
To top it off - mom bought dinner last night so I didn't have to cook! Yee Ha!!!! And my BFF called to tell me that they were previewing the trailer for "New Moon" on the MTV movie awards and I had to turn it on right then! Another Yee Ha!!!
All in all, nothing exciting going on, but I'm liking it that way. Dull is normal.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hotter than heck here today! 90 degrees but still no humidity so that was good.
No exercise today...bummer. Got home far too late. Marc had karate which is always draining for him so he pretty much pooped out on me as soon as we got back.
I'm watching "Chasing Liberty". Cute moie and very cut leading man. I have no idea who he is, but he's really hot!
So, that's my oh so exciting life....ha! Like I said before....boring is good.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
