WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[sandi2]

Good morning. I am just now getting over the flu a bit and thought I would try to post. I see I am way behind! I will just respond to things you have said as I go through.

'm back to my "this sucks" mood.....

I'm sure you know that mood is to be expected when you are S from the one you love, however, in some respect......having that "mood" and allowing yourself a pity party is something only you can do. You have the ability to control those moods. I know, I know.....easier said than done! I was always a very moody person when I was younger and had a hard time being the same way each day. I allowed everything to determine what kind of mood swing I would be in that day. I did learn that I had the ability to control that! It was a very powerful feeling. I hope that you will work hard on your ability to control yourself and not allow a "This Sucks" pity party.

I know calling her tonite is the wrong move so I will NOT call. That's why I'm posting. Looking for some 2x4's to help keep me on the path......

That is exactly what you are suppose to do when feeling the temptation to call.

So how would you handle yesterday's scenario, where she called but didn't leave a message? I didn't call her back, nor did I respond to her email from earlier in the day (just a FYI on a news article about her Dad getting let go from his job). I had thought about sending an email back about like "That's really too bad", but we had talked about that already on Friday last week

Your first thoughts are that you need to show that you "care"....right? However, you said the two of you had already discussed the situation, so you have to look at this as really wanting an "excuse" to contact her. You may be so blind to your own actions at this moment that you cannot see it being an excuse and think that you would show "anybody" that you cared. However, this is not just anybody, this is a person you are tying to detach from, so the conclusion would be not to return her email or call her. If she points that fact out to you later......just remind her in one short sentence that it had been discussed and you feel bad for her father. No more than that......which will be difficult for you.

This Dark/Dim is a tough line. I think I was overly (if it's possible) Dark yesterday, vs. Dim.

I apparently am the only one on the board that this expression of "dim" pushes my buttons. No where in Michelle's book of DR does she mention this term. Maybe she does in others, but I have not heard it from "her". It was started by a poster on the board and so many are using that term since then. I believe it causes a lot of confussion. It causes confussion for the LBS and for the children and for the WAS. Either be dark or not. I don't see how you would get anywhere being dark one day and "dim" the next. If by "dim" you mean detaching......isn't that what you are doing while being dark? If it means you are "warming up to her" or showing that you are not quite as detached, then you are losing the ground you had gained. This is MHO, but I believe you have to decide which road you will travel and not use this dark/dim stuff. I understand that it is almost impossible to stay dark, when there is small children. That is why I don't usually use that term.....but you can drop the rope. You may wonder what the difference is. The difference is all in your ATTITUDE! Going dark is when you stay away and out of their life. Dropping the rope is when they can see that they no longer influence your moods, feeling, actions, anything. It is as if they do not matter at all to you anymore.

I've been staying the course of not initiating contact each day and I do not call her unless I'm returning her call/email.

Unless it is stickly about the children and necessary....do not return her calls!

So why is it so hard?!?!?!

If this was not hard, you would not be here! If you did not love her, it would not be hard. It is hard b/c you still love her and are very emotionally co-dependent on her. Both of you are co-dependent on each other and does not make a healthy R.

I did try to follow Sandi's advice of just saying things once and don't let her ping pong the conversation. I tried to listen as much as possible

I think you did well in the phone conversation. She was missing you, which is a good sigh. She is having problems being a "single" parent at her house, which is good. She is not as happy as she thought she would be, which is good.

Frankly, I believe she moved out to get your attention! She is not GAL. She is not acting like a WAW how has OM ususally acts. So, I think it was to make a loud statement to you about her unhappiness. However, if she gets your attention by behaving like this, it would be the same principle of children getting what they want from bad behavior. She may think she wants you to go "crawling & begging" her to come home, but she would not respect you if you did.

VALIDATED and EMPATHIZED

You are a better person than I am, b/c I think I would have just kept my mouth closed and let her complain about how miserable her life was now........sometimes the "no response" speaks louder than you empathizing with her. Be careful to be too validating in these areas that she has caused.

When does the heart ache end? I know I've been asking the question of how does DR/DB Dark/Dim help bring us back together since she moved out. I really don't understand it. I so want to call her and start pursuing, but everyone here keeps tellimg me it's pressure that she doesn't need right now. So if that's the case, when is the right time? Or have I missed the window?

Only you have the control over your own heart ache. There is not specified time limit until the pain stops. Some people are able to move on sooner than others, and some never learn. Please do not pursue her! You will lose any ground you have gained and will have to start all over again, only it will be worse each time you have to start over.

Now I'm worried that she thinks that I'm continuing to neglect her and that I haven't really changed.

That is the normal way for a LBS to think. All I can tell you is that from the experience of past & present posters that have been here on the board.......it has not worked. If she was not living in a separate house then you might have more opportunity to show that you were not neglecting her, but since she chose to opt for a S, then you cannor afford to try to "show her" you are being attentive b/c it comes across as pursuing and that does not work. Women here have told you this, so please accept what we are trying to pass along.

She has not been out of the house as long as it "feels" to you. She has to have time to resolve some inner issues for herself. She has to have time to "miss" what the two of you once had. She has to have time to decide which life she wants the most. She has to have time!

Take care,
Sandi