Hi everyone- I've been reading these boards for a few weeks now and finally have the courage to tell my story and ask for advice.
We've been together 12 years and married 11. We have one 6 year old son and I had 3 children when we married who are all adults now. To say I was a crappy wife for the last 8 years or so is a complete understatement. I could really bore you with details but just figure if you wouldn't want your wife to do it, I did it. I take full responsibility for the things I did/didn't do and everyone knows everything, including my parents and adult children. They also see that I'm completely different now. I did a 180 on my own before I even knew what it was. We had been living "seperate but parallel lives" for years and I wanted to change it.
In mid April, after a couple of casual discussions with my husband about working on the marriage (where he was distant and noncommital), I decided to get a Facebook since he had one and all my family was connected to him on it. I wanted to start to live in his world, not mine. As I started to act "as if" and comment on his FB, I noticed (dun dun dun!)a certain flirtiness with a woman there-an old high school friend. To say that my husband isn't flirtatious is an understatement. So, I wondered. I asked him to get the DB book and also one by John Gottman about communication one night and the next day he brought them home-this was late April. That night things were great, but I just had a feeling. So I checked his laptop. I know now I shouldn't have and truly wish I hadn't. He's definately in an EA with this woman-they talk about how much they love each other and wish they could be together. She's married, no kids and lives several states away, but her family is in our town. I confronted him and he said he "can't" stop the relationship, that it's all that makes him happy now.
That day I began to read Michelle's book, but honestly, I haven't really taken the GAL and detachment seriously until reading these boards the last few days. I had already done the 180 and as if by myself before I read the book. I can say I kept up the 180 mostly but definately not the as if.
Our status right now is that I'm in counseling myself, he isn't a counseling type of person and refuses any kind, couples or individual. I've cut off every.single.friend. from my "past life" and only have people who support my decision to work on my marriage in my life. We are still living together and he says he wants a divorce but doesn't "know how" to get one. Our lease is up in July and he wants to sign a 2 year lease with me to stay in our house. That really confuses me. I am supposed to start school in the fall full time and he's committed to paying for that. I've been a stay at home mom most of our marriage and for me to be able to get back in the job market, I need this schooling.
Right now, he's "I love you, but not that way. I'm IN LOVE with her." She's very aggressive with him and they both make fun of my efforts and my pain, him behind my back (yes, I snooped, learned that lesson) and she publicly on her FB which she opened up to everyone to read last week. My dil found it and lost her mind. He throws so many mixed signals out that I can't keep my head from spinning. He wants to still be intimate with me. He agreed to no contact with her except when he's at work. He agreed to read After the Affair with me. Sometimes I think he wants to work on things, sometimes I think he's just patronizing me. Knowing how *I* was during our marriage, I know that online EAs tend to flame out and that your feelings toward your spouse DO change back-it's like a pendulum. I'm just trying to ride this out hoping that happens in their case as well, but as an overly emotional, menopausal woman I don't do so well sometimes.
I am seeing my GP for some medication help on Tuesday (I tend to need antidepressants when things like this hit me) and am just trying to keep my head above water until then.
