I am very fortunate and grateful for 25. You have no idea. Things are finally moving along as they should be and I am really DBing now. Its interesting.
Tonite we had more conversations that she initiated and they weren't all about the kids. No mention from her at all about filing the waiver of service or final decree on Thursday. She still didn't want me and the kids in the house while she was gone. But interstingly she was going to invite me to dinner tonite with her and the kids since I had to hang around waiting for a friend of mine to call that needed an inhaler. Well, he called before we were ready to leave. So I had to leave then and didn't get to have dinner with them. It would have been a great chance to continue things going nice. But oh well, there will be other chances now and then.
She got bikes for the kids today and she had already been given one to her all from the 55 year old guy. We got D11 on hers. But the one for D7 was a bit tall. W started looking for bike racks for the cars for me and her so when I get my bike we can throw them on who ever has the girls that week.
We talked a bit about my night tonite after I got home. I went had dinner with my friend and his neighbors. Then I went downtown for a west coast swing dance party with some friends. W thought that all sounded great. Today I had lunch with a friend who is going to get me in on his business and teach me about it. We will see if I can make anything of it. W liked that to.
Ya, she is really friendly lately. I just haven't seen this in 9 months. I'm not reading anything into it like 25 says. But in a way, it is a step forward in the right direction for a change. I will just keep doing what I am doing and trying to find ways to work on myself.
And no, there is NO R talk and will not be. I have stayed away from that and will continue to do so. I know this in her mind is nothing more than maybe trying to coparent together and I have to accept that for now. But its more than what I have gotten previously. She wasn't even willing to do that for so long.
Don't get me wrong. It gets to me. But I am holding true to the rules so that at some point in the future, maybe, just maybe, she might look at us again. BIG MAYBE. But maybe none the less. I just need to keep working on me and if it happens, I will have accomplished a miracle. If it doesn't, I learned how to survive without her.
Tomorrow is church and oil change for the car. Then my kids come back home tomorrow night for the week again. I am looking forward to having them back.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I am worn out this week from being constantly on the go. But it beats staying home twiddling my thumbs and thinking about things. This won't be how I always am. But for starting out on my own its a good distraction while I think things through.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It was really good to read your posts. Keep on doing what works, whatever it "means" vis a vis your w, or where it "leads" with HER, is NOT the point.
Improving ourselves and our lives, being the best people we can be, is our "job" in life. While we do that, and Let go of the results/outcome, we experience real growth, learn what real love is, and we find true freedom.
Keep on keeping on...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
yay kev, everyday just a little better than yesterday.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Don't freak out if you get the papers. As I said elsewhere (or in the post to you that disappeared??) maybe for you two to reconcile it does require a divorce. Maybe that's the only way she can see that the changes you make/made are real (cuz why would you still NOT drink, and stll act so much more mature and fatherly to the girls AFTER the divorce, if those changes are not real?
I mean, if you do get divorced, YET you are still "the new and improved Kevin, it will PROVE to her that YOU ARE THE NEW AND IMPROVED KEVIN AND THAT ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE A MAN LIKE YOU.... you will have countered ALL the negatives her family said, and she came to believe (and some of them were true anyhow and needed changing soooo) and what are they going to say or think then? (Okay they probably won't think THEY were "wrong", but they MAY think you have changed b/c you have/are and in the end, they want what's best for their grandkids and if you become the "right guy" why would they oppose it?
You get great advice from 25 but I really think this may be some of the best. Kev you are doing great keep it up and realize that things are getting better for YOU...The better they get for you who knows what will happen BUT things will be better for YOU and your D's.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I did have an internal setback today. I was grocery shopping and ran into W, my girls, and MIL. MIL stayed turned around looking at clothes and refused to even acknowledge my existance there. I wouldn't expect anything less nor was I surprised.
W looked so beautiful. She was really done up and in a very pretty dress and sandles. It was striking. We talked for a minute about getting D7 a smaller bike and went and picked one out. But I wasn't going to be able to fit it in my car since my car hasn't been completely cleaned out yet. W was frusturated because they rode with her MIL in her MIL's car and didn't have the van with them. Well, it wasn't like I planned to see her at the store.
Anyways, my internal set back was once I walked on, I almost wanted to cry after seeing her. I didn't and I held myself together the entire time. But it was really hard seeing her and walking on. It really hurt inside. I finished shopping and left. We were at walmart supercenter and so I was getting my oil changed while grocery shopping. I got the kids some things for the pool to make it more enjoyable for them. W wants me to split the cost of D7's bike with her. I said that is fine. She was clothes shopping for the girls. I left money in her account for her to do that.
So I am back at home now and trying to get things tidied up for the girls coming back over tonite for the week. That was really hard for some reason today.
I know what you said 25 about whether she files the final decree or not this week. But I know I am not going to be able to help but wonder each day through Thursday if she is going to do it. I have a website that I can plug in our case # to see if she has done it. Remember, if she doesn't do anything, the case is dismissed Thursday and she would have to start the whole process over again which I don't think she would do right away. It is possible she forgot about the date. She forgets things all the time that have to be done. I constantly have to remind her that bills are do and her oil change is needed etc. So it is very possible she isn't thinking about it right now. Plus this week is going to be a bit busier for her having to leave work early each day to go get the kids from MIL's house and have them at her house by 5 for me to pick them up. MIL doesn't even want me on her lawn. Its crazy. I have done nothing to MIL. Oh well. Such is the way of life with her. But again, I'm not the only one she does that to. She does that to everyone who marries into the family when one of her kids has problems with their spouse. She always sides with her kid regardless of who is wrong. It doesn't matter to her.
I have to figure out what to make the kids for dinner tonite. D7 didn't like the totinos pizzas I bought last week so I bought Tony's pizzas this week. I made sure to get her can of black olives she likes to have on her pizza when it comes out of the oven. D11 isn't picky with pizza. She doesn't like anything healthy. D7 is my healthy one. She will eat salads and vegetables each night.
I guess we will see how the interaction goes when I get the kids tonite. My friend that I was with last night had his W cheat on him 3 times. They got D'd. She took him to the cleaners and he has 2 daughters with her. Although one very well may not be his, but he loves her anyways. He refuses to even speak to her or anything with her when he picks up the kids. She has asked him a ton of times to forgive her and he won't talk to her. He just stays constantly mad at her. He has NUTS.
Somehow I don't believe that would better my situation as my W doesn't need me in anyway. I'm not sure it would matter to her if I just quit talking to her or seeing her. It certainly wouldn't be good for the kids. So I will keep doing what I am doing since she is finally talking to me.
She really looked beautiful today. <sigh>
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I did have an internal setback today. I was grocery shopping and ran into W, my girls, and MIL. MIL stayed turned around looking at clothes and refused to even acknowledge my existance there. I wouldn't expect anything less nor was I surprised.
You kept it together and that's what matters. And you have NO idea what is in your w's mind....
W looked so beautiful. She was really done up and in a very pretty dress and sandles. It was striking. We talked for a minute about getting D7 a smaller bike and went and picked one out. But I wasn't going to be able to fit it in my car since my car hasn't been completely cleaned out yet. W was frusturated because they rode with her MIL in her MIL's car and didn't have the van with them. Well, it wasn't like I planned to see her at the store.
You had every right to be there. Act like THEY are stalking YOU...well, Let's not even go there...
Anyways, my internal set back was once I walked on, I almost wanted to cry after seeing her. I didn't and I held myself together the entire time. But it was really hard seeing her and walking on. It really hurt inside. I finished shopping and left. We were at walmart supercenter and so I was getting my oil changed while grocery shopping. I got the kids some things for the pool to make it more enjoyable for them. W wants me to split the cost of D7's bike with her. I said that is fine. She was clothes shopping for the girls. I left money in her account for her to do that.
So I am back at home now and trying to get things tidied up for the girls coming back over tonite for the week. That was really hard for some reason today.
Comes and goes but the times between the hard moments gets longer and the bad gets less painful. This is a healing PROCESS...
I know what you said 25 about whether she files the final decree or not this week. But I know I am not going to be able to help but wonder each day through Thursday if she is going to do it.
Yes you can help it. YOU CAN.
I have a website that I can plug in our case # to see if she has done it. Remember, if she doesn't do anything, the case is dismissed Thursday and she would have to start the whole process over again which I don't think she would do right away. It is possible she forgot about the date. She forgets things all the time that have to be done. I constantly have to remind her that bills are do and her oil change is needed etc.
No you DON'T HAVE TO REMIND HER OF ANYTHING UNLESS IT HAS TO DO WITH THE GIRLS...PERIOD and YOU HAVE ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE....
So it is very possible she isn't thinking about it right now. Plus this week is going to be a bit busier for her having to leave work early each day to go get the kids from MIL's house and have them at her house by 5 for me to pick them up. MIL doesn't even want me on her lawn. Its crazy. I have done nothing to MIL. Oh well. Such is the way of life with her. But again, I'm not the only one she does that to. She does that to everyone who marries into the family when one of her kids has problems with their spouse. She always sides with her kid regardless of who is wrong. It doesn't matter to her.
She does not matter. Her data is not real. What if she thinks purple lions run the world? Does not matter....and you have no control over her thoughts anyhow!
I have to figure out what to make the kids for dinner tonite. D7 didn't like the totinos pizzas I bought last week so I bought Tony's pizzas this week. I made sure to get her can of black olives she likes to have on her pizza when it comes out of the oven. D11 isn't picky with pizza. She doesn't like anything healthy. D7 is my healthy one. She will eat salads and vegetables each night.
Normal parenting stuff. No biggie. You'll figure it out. We all do. Eventually. And your girls won't starve to death.
I guess we will see how the interaction goes when I get the kids tonite. My friend that I was with last night had his W cheat on him 3 times. They got D'd. She took him to the cleaners and he has 2 daughters with her. Although one very well may not be his, but he loves her anyways. He refuses to even speak to her or anything with her when he picks up the kids. She has asked him a ton of times to forgive her and he won't talk to her. He just stays constantly mad at her. He has NUTS.
No Kev, HE IS NUTS...you think he is healthy? He's not emotionally or spiritually or psychologically "healthy". He is miserable. Has NO idea that forgiveness would free HIM AND HIS CHILDREN... He revels in his scars and keeps picking at the emotional scabs so he won't ever heal....what a lovely MANLY image for his children..he has compounded the tragedy of his wife's failings by making it ALL worse for everyone and THAT, is on HIM.
Somehow I don't believe that would better my situation as my W doesn't need me in anyway. You "don't believe" you would BETTER your sitch by always being angry at her??? WTH??? I cannot even comment on that statement...except for one word...DUH! I'm not sure it would matter to her if I just quit talking to her or seeing her. It certainly wouldn't be good for the kids. So I will keep doing what I am doing since she is finally talking to me.THAT'S WHY??? B/C SHE IS FINALLY TALKING TO YOU??? No other reasons???
oh yeah, your well being and God's plan and OH YEAH-the KIDS....
She really looked beautiful today. <sigh>
Kevin
Thank God you kept this thinking to yourself...it's a step in the right direction which is healthy thinking. You MUST get there. Maybe faking it til you make it will work. But just stay on track Kevin...hopefully you'll eventually have the healthy reasons for the new behaviors...for now, Just glad you are hiding the neediness and holding it together in front of her. Baby steps...
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks. Tonite went fine. I went over and got the kids and most of their stuff. W is going to bring over a few more things for them to have this week. I may be asleep when she gets here. But she has a key to let herself in. It actually comes in handy at times.
I think today was just kind of an emotionally hard day for me for some reason. Like you said, I guess it comes and goes.
You were right about one thing 25. I was using tactics. I was thinking to myself I can't keep up this pace of being gone all the time. I just didn't want to be at home alone. But this is something I will have to balance out going forward.
I think the thing I can't get over is I can understand her wanting out for at least a while. I can even understand the legal divorce although I don't agree with it. But I don't understand her taking up with other married men. I can't understand that or wrap my mind around that one. I may never understand that one.
But like you said... baby steps. I can't reason with her or talk with her about any of it and so I don't. I just hold it together in front of her. Right now I am not even exciting or pumped in front of her. I am just nice in front of her. I did start a conversation with her tonite at her house about the economy and how people stopped paying their mortgages when Obama said money was coming. It was a brief chat, but it was something that did not have anything to do with the kids.
I seem to be able to get small doses of chats here and there that do not have anything to do with the kids. But they are very short conversations. Its more about the kids than anything else.
Its weird. I don't bring to much to the apartment and I try to keep as little in it as possible always hoping for a turn around that is probably not going to happen until at least 2 or 3 years down the road at the earliest. So I guess I haven't totally accepted this yet since I have not allowed myself to just fully move in yet and I have only taken what I truly need to get by with.
So this is my week coming up. We start our first real cycle at work. No more practice. My boss is going to be here from New York this week. I might have an interview for a real BA position this week. My W might finalize the D this week. Its my kids last week of school. They will be getting picked up early each day by MIL. Lonelyrzr is flying in and I will be having dinner with him on Wednesday night. D11 has an awards ceremony Tuesday night. So I have alot going on this week. And I have to get my mind under control. I didn't make it to the doctor this weekend so I am thinking about going tomorrow night to get some meds to help me.
I just can't seem to settle into this apartment and think of it as home. I keep thinking of it as temporary. I need to get a grip on it all.
I need to focus back on God and get my faith in him for me and him and not for my W.
Alright, tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what it holds.
Baby steps, baby steps. One day at a time.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
"I just can't seem to settle into this apartment and think of it as home. I keep thinking of it as temporary. I need to get a grip on it all."
This apartment may very well be temporary. Maybe you'll get a promotion and decide to move into a bigger place. Or maybe you'll decide you want to move to another area. Or, or, or...one of the big upsides to this crisis is that the possibilities are endless. Settle in the way you have before in situations that turned out to be temporary (college, girlfriends etc). It is just stuff, you just need it to feel homey and reflect who you are...the future is open.
