Upon reflection, i also realized that he must almost definitely be single. If he had a girlfriend in NY and he was couch surfing, he would most def be staying at gf's place, not with his quartet cellist. And i don't think he could swing a gf who was not in NY since he could not swing long distance with me. Also, if he was with someone, why the heck would he be spending breakfast on his birthday with me, instead of making sweet love to his special person?

I also had a new moment of compassion, trying to put myself in his shoes. I realized that even if he does love me, even if he does want me, it can't be easy for him. he doesn't know where I'll be or when. and even if he's confused about what he wants, it can't be easy for him to see me either. I'm really surprised he is willing to put himself through the wringer emotionally by seeing me when he has so many other things to be stressed out about.

Afterwards I felt pretty terrible. I just walked and walked through the park, and went to my favorite fancy bra store to see if I could console myself with lingerie (there wasn't anything worth trying on), and then called the only friend in RL who really seems to support what I'm doing and talked to her for a longggg time.

((((mischka))) thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. you're right, what did I have to lose?

((((OD)))) thank you so much for pointing out the positives which I had completely missed, as well as the overall positive pattern.

((((ali)))) I noticed the pattern too. I also find it confusing!!! I think the voice is back and it is telling me "he still loves you" and "he is single". But I don't really know why he takes the trouble to see me or what he wants or thinks about any of this. I don't want to FB him because I think I would drive myself crazy snooping and cyberstalking. I like your suggestion about the drinks together wink the only tricky thing is I don't really drink so I'm not sure it would be a good idea for me to try WITH HIM... but then again he did want to take me to that superspecial secret phone-booth-entry bar... maybe I could take him up on that and somehow stay sober while getting him plastered.... Maybe I could practice....

I am not sure what my next move is. honestly it would be great to see him before I leave NY. he asked when I would be around, which probably means he'd like to see me. I wonder if I should just ask him if he wants to hang out the day he gets back, but in a way that is not pressuring or obvious. ??? I think in a day or two I might invite him to my upcoming performance this friday, but without any expectation of him coming--just as a way to be friendly. (He came the first summer, when we were still together, and it was a total ass-haul then, and I would be stunned if he had time or desire to do it now). I also thought about asking him if he's having any performances while I'm in town. Thoughts?

Thank you for reading. I am sending each of you buckets of love, joy, hopefulness, power, strength, and conviction.

love,
transformer