I think the Saturday plan sounds good, especially if you don't know if you'll be around on the 11th..... like that B was positive and responded really brightly to your e-mail, and that he asked you a question- such good friendly behaviour. Don't lose sight of the goal!
I'm so disappointed about the second violonist being bad news
What I notice, is, he always makes time for you. It feels like, despite the distance, you two have seen each other quite frequently lately, more than you 'should' want to see an exgf. I find that confusing. Maybe he really respects and admires you and wants to genuinely be friends. Or maybe theres something else in it. What does your intuition tell you?
I was curious as to why you said you werent going to snoop on FB and see if he was seeing someone or not. I guess if he was, that would explain his behaviour. But then, like you say, he would not likely want to go to dinner with his ex when he just got back into town if he was seeing someone.
Seems you are keeping a good friendship going with him. Personally, I think you two need to loosen up and have a few drinks together.. well, worked in my sitch!! He said an awful lot of revealing things once he'd had a few ales, as we say in the UK. Maybe its a British thing.
It's lovely to get your thoughts. (((mischka)))) ((((ali))))) (((((od))))))
I just got back from a pretty intense day (+) in New York. I went to see my friend's opera premiere, and it was amazing, riveting, really moving. The next morning I met B for breakfast. Then I had a super intense phonecall with a friend about the breakfast... I made a friend on the subway who I think was a surrogate angel full of intense heart-baring blessings... then I went to yoga class. I feel like my heart is raw from all the intensity.
So I offered to meet B for breakfast (on his [not mentioned] birthday) and he took me up on it. He asked me to meet me at his old neighborhood which totally freaked me out, seeing as we've avoided going anywhere near there. But then I said, whatev, my new MO is to not try to control everything, so I texted him back "Great!!" and asked for the address. I had a massive heart-to-heart with my friend-who-just-had-her-opera-premiered about how I don't know how anyone ever risks loving someone without the trust that comes from knowing someone and already having loved them (massive paradox) and then slept a few hours before waking up to meet B for breakfast...
I wore a hot (but not too hot for breakfast) hot pink dress, v neck, knit, little puffy sleeves, with my special velveteen aqua jacket that is covered in white swans and pink flowers. I got to the restaurant EARLY and sat on a bench reading "the elegance of the hedgehog". When B came up to me, I was reading and laughing...
He was wearing his cute-dorky glasses and a hot new cowboy shirt, sexy jeans I'd never seen before, and he'd definitely done something deliberately sexy with his hair. I gave him a (pretty real) hug and said, "happy birthday!" and then we chose to sit outside.
OK, so it turns out he is driving to NJ today for a gig with this orchestra, AND he is moving tomorrow, AND his brother is a houseguest right now... WTF? If I was him, no way would I have met anyone for breakfast, even if it was my birthday!
He asked me about the performance last night (my friend's opera) and I described in detail: the space (galapagos in brooklyn) has a stage in front of four table-islands surrounded by pools of water, and each pool has its own unique sculpture, including one of a woman's legs sticking gracefully out of the water with her petticoat flipped up to display her graceful legs, like she tripped off the balcony and fell into the pool, and there is a wineglass suspended by a rope over her legs, like she flung it into the air when she fell.
I told him in detail about the performance: an opera about the true story of Isabelle Eberhart, a woman born in the 1890s in Geneva, Switzerland. When she was 20, her brother, father, and mother all died, and she decided the only way to console herself was to move to North Africa. She lived as a nomad as a single woman in the early 1900's and converted to Sufism and frequently traveled as a man. She fell madly in love with an Algerian soldier and when they were separated she would restlessly roam the desert on horseback. (At this point B looked like he might cry, his eyes got wet and shiny looking, but who knows, maybe he was just having an allergy or he was hungover). And she died in a flash flood *in the desert* at the age of 27. B asked, "who told her story?" and I explained that Isabelle kept detailed journals of all her travels. But also that when I was watching the opera, I imagined how strange and unbelievable it would be to truly leave behind everything I had ever known and never have a home again, and that I wondered if there were many more people like her whose journals were never found.
I also described the ensemble and the movie that went with the opera--amazing remixed turn-of-the-century archival old movie footage of a family, waves, flowers blooming backwards and birds flying upside down, the streets of a north african city--not literally telling the story but going with the emotions of the story. It also turns out that B knows the singer who starred in the opera and also the guy who produced the festival that the opera is part of.
He asked me about lyricafest and I told him it was challenging, that my part is hard and I feel really confused because when I did my audition I felt I was truly amazing, but now I feel really insecure, and I don't know if it's just my preparation, or that I don't know how to have a good sound in an ensemble.
When we got our food he seemed to make a point of offering me some of his food and then I offered him some of mine. Also, there was an adorable dog at the table behind us who kept trying to nuzzle an adorable little boy at the table next to us and B and I laughed about it. later he told me that when I was in the bathroom, when the little boy and his dad sat down at the table next to us, the dad picked up the little vase of flowers and shoved them under the little boy's nose and said, "smell this!!!" and the little boy said, "I *knew* you were going to do that!" And B smiled a lot and said that they had a good [father-son banter] thing going on.
I also told him about my new business plan (!!!) [NEWS FLASH: I just had my first paid session with a real student a few days ago!!!!!! She is so awesome, a private school goth who loves to talk about geometry with me]. I hadn't told him anything about it but I explained the technology I'm using. He asked me if I'll be using paypal and then we talked for a while about the pros and cons of that and how I'm finding out that getting paid online is actually really complicated. He also asked about my web design plan and I told him i was planning to hire a good designer, and he told me what he's learned from making websites for himself and his quartet, and their plans to hire a designer. I also mentioned that my business-planning-partner has encouraged me to charge a lot more than I'm currently charging, and that I'm excited for how that could completely change my life. And that I'll be interested to see how if money is no longer as much as an issue, how that will affect my desire to go to longy school or not. (he didn't ask me what my plans were as he usually has, and I think that's because i pre-emptively told him I still didn't really know what they were).
He also told me some really awesome news. He got a call from his friend who contracts the musicians for the Mark Morris Dance Group, a modern dance group in NYC. (B LOVES Mark Morris and I do too--when we were still together we watched one of his performances and we both cried). So Mark Morris's contractor contracted B's quartet to play the fourth bartok string quartet for a particular dance piece. And they're performing together this summer! If it goes well, the quartet might get to play with the dancers every time they perform this particular piece. Amazing, B's dreams are coming true!!!
We also talked a little bit about "branding". B said he was learning a lot about branding himself as a musician in New York, and I asked if that made him sad. (I was thinking of branding as sort of artificial self-presentation). He said that actually he was learning it was possible to present anything inside himself as a desireable strength. He also shared his reflections on bungling opportunities to communicate about who he is when he meets new people...like how recently someone asked him, "what are you doing?" and he responded, "well, I'm in a quartet, I do some bluegrass..." and later felt really foolish because he didn't make himself sound exciting, but that was actually because he didn't feel excited in that moment about anything he was doing. But at other moments when someone asks him the same question he'll respond, "everything has been so amazing since I've moved to new york!!!!!!" (slightly hard to hear, considering that's when our connection began to disintegrate).
I thought about my own attitude towards branding and said I felt really comfortable with branding myself for my tutoring business, and that I've realized that my "product" actually has nothing to do with math, it has to do with giving each student my undivided attention and re-adjusting to them in every nanosecond to help them learn. But that I felt really uncomfortable with branding myself as a musician. And I told him how the night before, an old friend had introduced me to a friend of his as "This is Transformer, and she is EVERYTHING!" How I felt really flattered by that definition, which I knew to the old friend meant cellist-composer-balinese gamelan player-traveler-etc-etc but actually, to someone who didn't know me, it conveyed no meaning whatsoever, so it was actually a useless way to describe myself!
He asked me what I was doing after lyricafest and I mentioned that I was going to spend some time with "my people" (I was trying to be mysterious and vague, but this seemed to create an uncomfortable feeling) and also try to see my two friends in Hartford, CT (outside of NY) who just had a baby. And he said, "and after you see those friends...?" And I said I was going to spend some time with my family in virginia and was flying back to atlanta on june 17th, and then it was going to be totally balls-to-the-wall business preparation until my july 15th "business and website launch date". I was really vague about how much longer I'd be in NY before going to see my family.
He also told me his plans: he's moving to his new place in brooklyn tomorrow, but he has a subletter there through august. after he moves, he goes up to portland, maine for a few days (I assume for a symphony gig), and then back to new york and possibly visiting his best (guy) friend in VA before his best friend moves to texas. I asked when and where he'd be in VA--this was maybe the most blatant prying I've done so far, esp b/c it's highly unlikely that he and I would hang out in VA...? And then he's out at shelter island being a camp counselor at this music summer camp, and then he has a week break and then he has a 2-3 week grown-up chamber music festival in the same place. He said between now and the end of august, if he needs to stay anywhere in NY he will probably just stay with the cellist in his string quartet (who he is *definitely not* dating).
After we'd been hanging out for maybe 1 3/4ths hours, he said he probably should get going because he needed to pack. I told him I was picking up the check because it was his birthday. I hadn't been sure how I'd handle the birthday-ness of the event... I normally make a HUGE deal out of people's birthdays. when we were together I would make him a special dessert, plan a special date, shower him with thoughtful gifts and back massages and sweet lovemaking. But I thought if I gave him a present or even a card it might seem too pre-meditated since he hasn't given me any presents or cards or anything since he left, and I didn't know I'd see him on his birthday until the day before. But buying him breakfast seemed both friendly and spontaneous, so I just went with it.
I walked the check inside so they'd run it faster and when I came out, he said, "Thank you," and I said, "you're welcome, it's my pleasure." I sort of forgot that we were in a hurry to go, and he sort of stood up in the middle of a sentence and we walked down the street toward his house/the subway. He asked me if I was walking toward the subway and I said yes, and then he said he needed to buy toilet paper on the way home at the drug store we were standing in front of. So I gave him a [not as satisfying as the first time] hug, and told him happy birthday again, and said goodbye, take care.
Overall, the feeling was not as nice as our last visit, but not as awkward as any of our previous visits. He seemed sort of low-level-background depressed/stressed/distracted the whole time. It was sort of heavy-feeling, possibly because I talked at length about a variety of heavy topics (the opera, the tricky parts of my business plan) with a kind of heavy vibe. I realized after I left that I had felt massively relieved whenever he smiled or laughed, and that he didn't seem to do either that much during breakfast. (Note to self: he probably feels really relieved when *I* smile or laugh when we're together, so I should try to do it more often). I realized that he probably was massively stressed about MOVING the next day, and that the vibe might have been just as weird no matter how I had handled the meeting or db'd. in retrospect I wondered if maybe I should have offered to help him pack ... ? Kind of weird but definitely a 180?
I also noticed what Ali observed--that even though I usually "initiate" because I am the one visiting his city, he really seems to try hard to see me. At first I was disappointed/mad that I was always getting squeezed into his schedule. But then i realized... every time he's seen me he has really had to go out of his way to make it happen. It's *never* been convenient for him. He doesn't have to see me, it's not easy for him, but he does it anyway. I really don't know why, but I think I should re-frame and see it as him actually making a great effort, instead of feeling like I get "leftovers" or something.
Upon reflection, i also realized that he must almost definitely be single. If he had a girlfriend in NY and he was couch surfing, he would most def be staying at gf's place, not with his quartet cellist. And i don't think he could swing a gf who was not in NY since he could not swing long distance with me. Also, if he was with someone, why the heck would he be spending breakfast on his birthday with me, instead of making sweet love to his special person?
I also had a new moment of compassion, trying to put myself in his shoes. I realized that even if he does love me, even if he does want me, it can't be easy for him. he doesn't know where I'll be or when. and even if he's confused about what he wants, it can't be easy for him to see me either. I'm really surprised he is willing to put himself through the wringer emotionally by seeing me when he has so many other things to be stressed out about.
Afterwards I felt pretty terrible. I just walked and walked through the park, and went to my favorite fancy bra store to see if I could console myself with lingerie (there wasn't anything worth trying on), and then called the only friend in RL who really seems to support what I'm doing and talked to her for a longggg time.
((((mischka))) thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. you're right, what did I have to lose?
((((OD)))) thank you so much for pointing out the positives which I had completely missed, as well as the overall positive pattern.
((((ali)))) I noticed the pattern too. I also find it confusing!!! I think the voice is back and it is telling me "he still loves you" and "he is single". But I don't really know why he takes the trouble to see me or what he wants or thinks about any of this. I don't want to FB him because I think I would drive myself crazy snooping and cyberstalking. I like your suggestion about the drinks together the only tricky thing is I don't really drink so I'm not sure it would be a good idea for me to try WITH HIM... but then again he did want to take me to that superspecial secret phone-booth-entry bar... maybe I could take him up on that and somehow stay sober while getting him plastered.... Maybe I could practice....
I am not sure what my next move is. honestly it would be great to see him before I leave NY. he asked when I would be around, which probably means he'd like to see me. I wonder if I should just ask him if he wants to hang out the day he gets back, but in a way that is not pressuring or obvious. ??? I think in a day or two I might invite him to my upcoming performance this friday, but without any expectation of him coming--just as a way to be friendly. (He came the first summer, when we were still together, and it was a total ass-haul then, and I would be stunned if he had time or desire to do it now). I also thought about asking him if he's having any performances while I'm in town. Thoughts?
Thank you for reading. I am sending each of you buckets of love, joy, hopefulness, power, strength, and conviction.
WOW T! All I can really say is that both of you have enormously complicated lives! I'm exhausted just reading about it.
Obviously, the two of you connect on a level that a lot of people couldn't understand. You speak a common language that brings you together. You seem to have a soul connection, but your logistics really do make it nearly impossible to have an intimate R. Have you though anymore about just making a leap of faith and finding a way to move permanently to NY? Would that hurt you in the long run? It would at least solve a lot of the logistical issues.
Just spitballing......
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
