WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

The boys and I had a really good day (aside from the angush after her phone call this morning). After bowling, the boys played outside while I made lunch. I was nice to see/hear them laughing/playing, just enjoying themselves, totally without a care in the world. I think my 7 year old is still recovering from his stomach bug as he stopped after a short bit and just sat. I was worried that he was sad or that his broken wrist was bothering, but when I asked him, he just said he was a little tired.

We started to eat lunch when my mother in law showed up. She said she was just passing by between errands and saw all of the toys out so she thought it was ok to drop by to say hi. I said sure and threw on my best postive attitude and smile. I offered her a drink or some lunch. She declined and just chit chatted about random stuff. When she left, she did say that if I needed anything, just to give her a call. I thanked her and wished her well as she left.

We went to the movies and in the middle, my 3 year old started stressing about why mommy wasn't there. I comforted him until the movie ended. We went to a local park for a bit while we were waiting for my friends picnic to start. Again, my 3 year old asked why mommy wasn't with us and I can see my 7 year old getting sad every time it came up. I tried to distract my 3 year old.

When we got to the picnic, we had a great time. The boys played with the other kids chasing each other and playing baseball. It was fun until I noticed that everyone was there with there spouse and I was sitting alone. I was sad and happy at the same time. I pulled myself together quickly, but it was hard.

When does the heart ache end? I know I've been asking the question of how does DR/DB Dark/Dim help bring us back together since she moved out. I really don't understand it. I so want to call her and start pursuing, but everyone here keeps tellimg me it's pressure that she doesn't need right now. So if that's the case, when is the right time? Or have I missed the window?

A couple of weeks ago, she said that I should call her if that's what I want to do. I hadn't. Now I'm worried that she thinks that I'm continuing to neglect her and that I haven't really changed. I know my pursuit while she was living at home didn't do anything to keep her home, so maybe that's what I have to remind myself. I need to do something different. Problem is, the last 6 weeks, I've been trying to be Dark/Dim (where I don't call her). I know that is a short time considering how long she's been hurting (she says 9 years, I think 3, but who am I to argue).

I'm going to see her tomorrow when she picks up the kids. I will go to church tomorrow and then the gym and I have a ton of housework to catch up on (I had the kids a couple of extra days this week so I didn't get a chance to do it on my routine dayes).

This is confusing. I just hope I'm doing the right thing....

[antlers]

You are doing the right thing by leaving her alone. She already knows how you feel...believe that! There is NOTHING that you can say or do that will bring her back right now...so pursuing her will do NO GOOD. You've already seen how it pushed her away even further! She will have to come back on her own...plain and simple. You have no control over the situation. So don't try to control it! You are being told the right things by the people here...I know it's hard to accept that...but it is what it is. Many of us here are in the same boat...our spouses left us too. Get stronger, get better, be a better man and a better father.

[givingitmyall]

Hang in there man. I'm going through a similar sitch. My wife wants out, and has given me all the classic MLC and WAW lines/explanations.

I know exactly what you mean about the heart ache. All I can say is good days/bad days. I have tried focusing on the kids and working on me. I still struggle with the emotions, but do not let that show to my W.

I have also reconnected with God, and I find that to be the greatest source of strength in this crazy time.

[lg193]

I too am in the same boat, my wife wants out and again I have been given the classic WAW lines.

I wish I could give you some great advice on the pursuing but I don't even know myself. It seems like the advice you have been getting and the things you've been doing have been working pretty good.

My emotions are all over the place, one minute I'm fine feeling balanced the next I'm a wreck. Hang in there.

I too have reconnected with God it's the only thing carrying me through this crisis.


Me 42
W 34
D 5
S 3
S 2
M 3 yrs
T 8 yrs
Bomb 2/22/09
Still in same house same bed... For now.

Poster Left and leaving

[confusedinpa]

She just picked up the kids. It was mostly tactical stuff in this mornings conversation. I told her that our 7 year old tried to call Fri nite left a message telling her how he was feeling. She appologized and said she didn't get a message, she said her director retired so she went to a thing for that

She then appologized for not answering for 30 minutes when I sent her a text that the boys were up. She said she was up at 5 but must have fallen back asleep. I said that I was about to call when she did respond as the boys were getting hungary.

She just left with them. I'm a little sad but I'm also second guessing the interaction this morning. She seemed to have appologized a lot. Not sure if I was too accussing or subtley attacking. I'll have to watch myself with that one

Now on to church and I have to keep myself busy today

Thanks for the support and encouragement

[antlers]

Sometimes we hang on to every word they say, and try to analyze every word spoken by them...and I think it's a mistake to do that. We shouldn't 'read into' everything they say or do...it's giving your power away to do that. I know it's hard to be otherwise, but I think we need to think and act differently than this.

[sandi2]

Good morning. I am just now getting over the flu a bit and thought I would try to post. I see I am way behind! I will just respond to things you have said as I go through.

'm back to my "this sucks" mood.....

I'm sure you know that mood is to be expected when you are S from the one you love, however, in some respect......having that "mood" and allowing yourself a pity party is something only you can do. You have the ability to control those moods. I know, I know.....easier said than done! I was always a very moody person when I was younger and had a hard time being the same way each day. I allowed everything to determine what kind of mood swing I would be in that day. I did learn that I had the ability to control that! It was a very powerful feeling. I hope that you will work hard on your ability to control yourself and not allow a "This Sucks" pity party.

I know calling her tonite is the wrong move so I will NOT call. That's why I'm posting. Looking for some 2x4's to help keep me on the path......

That is exactly what you are suppose to do when feeling the temptation to call.

So how would you handle yesterday's scenario, where she called but didn't leave a message? I didn't call her back, nor did I respond to her email from earlier in the day (just a FYI on a news article about her Dad getting let go from his job). I had thought about sending an email back about like "That's really too bad", but we had talked about that already on Friday last week

Your first thoughts are that you need to show that you "care"....right? However, you said the two of you had already discussed the situation, so you have to look at this as really wanting an "excuse" to contact her. You may be so blind to your own actions at this moment that you cannot see it being an excuse and think that you would show "anybody" that you cared. However, this is not just anybody, this is a person you are tying to detach from, so the conclusion would be not to return her email or call her. If she points that fact out to you later......just remind her in one short sentence that it had been discussed and you feel bad for her father. No more than that......which will be difficult for you.

This Dark/Dim is a tough line. I think I was overly (if it's possible) Dark yesterday, vs. Dim.

I apparently am the only one on the board that this expression of "dim" pushes my buttons. No where in Michelle's book of DR does she mention this term. Maybe she does in others, but I have not heard it from "her". It was started by a poster on the board and so many are using that term since then. I believe it causes a lot of confussion. It causes confussion for the LBS and for the children and for the WAS. Either be dark or not. I don't see how you would get anywhere being dark one day and "dim" the next. If by "dim" you mean detaching......isn't that what you are doing while being dark? If it means you are "warming up to her" or showing that you are not quite as detached, then you are losing the ground you had gained. This is MHO, but I believe you have to decide which road you will travel and not use this dark/dim stuff. I understand that it is almost impossible to stay dark, when there is small children. That is why I don't usually use that term.....but you can drop the rope. You may wonder what the difference is. The difference is all in your ATTITUDE! Going dark is when you stay away and out of their life. Dropping the rope is when they can see that they no longer influence your moods, feeling, actions, anything. It is as if they do not matter at all to you anymore.

I've been staying the course of not initiating contact each day and I do not call her unless I'm returning her call/email.

Unless it is stickly about the children and necessary....do not return her calls!

So why is it so hard?!?!?!

If this was not hard, you would not be here! If you did not love her, it would not be hard. It is hard b/c you still love her and are very emotionally co-dependent on her. Both of you are co-dependent on each other and does not make a healthy R.

I did try to follow Sandi's advice of just saying things once and don't let her ping pong the conversation. I tried to listen as much as possible

I think you did well in the phone conversation. She was missing you, which is a good sigh. She is having problems being a "single" parent at her house, which is good. She is not as happy as she thought she would be, which is good.

Frankly, I believe she moved out to get your attention! She is not GAL. She is not acting like a WAW how has OM ususally acts. So, I think it was to make a loud statement to you about her unhappiness. However, if she gets your attention by behaving like this, it would be the same principle of children getting what they want from bad behavior. She may think she wants you to go "crawling & begging" her to come home, but she would not respect you if you did.

VALIDATED and EMPATHIZED

You are a better person than I am, b/c I think I would have just kept my mouth closed and let her complain about how miserable her life was now........sometimes the "no response" speaks louder than you empathizing with her. Be careful to be too validating in these areas that she has caused.

When does the heart ache end? I know I've been asking the question of how does DR/DB Dark/Dim help bring us back together since she moved out. I really don't understand it. I so want to call her and start pursuing, but everyone here keeps tellimg me it's pressure that she doesn't need right now. So if that's the case, when is the right time? Or have I missed the window?

Only you have the control over your own heart ache. There is not specified time limit until the pain stops. Some people are able to move on sooner than others, and some never learn. Please do not pursue her! You will lose any ground you have gained and will have to start all over again, only it will be worse each time you have to start over.

Now I'm worried that she thinks that I'm continuing to neglect her and that I haven't really changed.

That is the normal way for a LBS to think. All I can tell you is that from the experience of past & present posters that have been here on the board.......it has not worked. If she was not living in a separate house then you might have more opportunity to show that you were not neglecting her, but since she chose to opt for a S, then you cannor afford to try to "show her" you are being attentive b/c it comes across as pursuing and that does not work. Women here have told you this, so please accept what we are trying to pass along.

She has not been out of the house as long as it "feels" to you. She has to have time to resolve some inner issues for herself. She has to have time to "miss" what the two of you once had. She has to have time to decide which life she wants the most. She has to have time!

Take care,
Sandi

[confusedinpa]

A really bad call this morning - just as I was about to go into church.

She called all upset that my 7 year old told her that she had to move back in or we would lose the house. She asked why I told him that. I told her that it was the truth - he saw I was looking at houses and I told him that with mommy not living with us, I can not afford to keep the house, but we would pick one out together. She said why didn't I tell him that I was just moving. I told her because that wasn't the truth.

I said that I needed to plan for the fact that she isn't coming back. I told reminded her that she said it as recently as 2 weeks ago. She said she doesn't remember saying anything like that. I told her it was 2 fridays ago when she called and reminded me that she still hadn't changed her mind. She said that wasn't the same as not coming back. She said it was that she still hadn't changed her mind of needing time and space to think if a divorce is what she wants.

She then said, everyday she feels more strongly that it is, but as these types of communication issues continue, she really feels that things haven't changed. I told her that I'm not surprised as we aren't working on it. She says that "I can be an adult" and call her when I have something on my mind. I told her that I was trying to give her the time and space that she wanted so I'm confused of what she expects from me.

She then shifted into how I was starting to repeat myself so if there wasn't anything new, she was going to say goodbye. I told her that we could try and talk to tonite (don't know why I said that, nor do I know what I'm going to talk about).

Then I went to church.

I shouldn't have answered the call, but then she would have just been stewing the entire time about what my 7 year old said. I guess I shouldn't have said anything to him, or should have just said we were moving. Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

I did try to follow Sandi's advice of just saying things once and don't let her ping pong the conversation. I tried to listen as much as possible

I think you did well in the phone conversation. She was missing you, which is a good sigh. She is having problems being a "single" parent at her house, which is good. She is not as happy as she thought she would be, which is good.

Frankly, I believe she moved out to get your attention! She is not GAL. She is not acting like a WAW how has OM ususally acts. So, I think it was to make a loud statement to you about her unhappiness. However, if she gets your attention by behaving like this, it would be the same principle of children getting what they want from bad behavior. She may think she wants you to go "crawling & begging" her to come home, but she would not respect you if you did.

Sandi,

Hope you are feeling better - summer flu's are really bad, particularly if you have allergies too.

I guess the real confusing part of it is from this morning's call she expects we can work on our communication issues without really commiting to working on it. She said that I should call her if I have something on my mind, like she does.

I guess where I'm most confused is what do I do. I've been working on me, getting a life, going to the gym, going to church, understanding my part of how we got to this point. I seem to get the impression she thinks that we should be working on the relationship, whatever that means. I'm tempted to ask her point blank what she expects me to do. I'm really stuck right now.

Thanks

[confusedinpa]

This Dark/Dim is a tough line. I think I was overly (if it's possible) Dark yesterday, vs. Dim.

I apparently am the only one on the board that this expression of "dim" pushes my buttons. No where in Michelle's book of DR does she mention this term. Maybe she does in others, but I have not heard it from "her". It was started by a poster on the board and so many are using that term since then. I believe it causes a lot of confussion. It causes confussion for the LBS and for the children and for the WAS. Either be dark or not. I don't see how you would get anywhere being dark one day and "dim" the next. If by "dim" you mean detaching......isn't that what you are doing while being dark? If it means you are "warming up to her" or showing that you are not quite as detached, then you are losing the ground you had gained. This is MHO, but I believe you have to decide which road you will travel and not use this dark/dim stuff. I understand that it is almost impossible to stay dark, when there is small children. That is why I don't usually use that term.....but you can drop the rope. You may wonder what the difference is. The difference is all in your ATTITUDE! Going dark is when you stay away and out of their life. Dropping the rope is when they can see that they no longer influence your moods, feeling, actions, anything. It is as if they do not matter at all to you anymore.

Not to step on a landmine here, but what I mean by Dark vs. Dim is Dark - no contact at all, outside of things related to the children. And during that contact, no emotion, chit chat or anything like that - just business.

Dim to me is where I do not initiate any calls/contact but when we do interact, I show her a happy, positive, caring and attentive CIPA.

Yes? No?

So let the debate begin....