Mother's Day Disaster

[ACJ]

TL thank you. It won't become a habit I just needed the release (rightly or wrongly).

I had a fantastic afternoon with all 3 of my children. D19 came home for a few hours to celebrate D14s bday. I bought her a Wii and after we had sat and had lunch in the garden we spent most of the rest of the afternoon laughing and learning how to play the games on the Wii. S16 has used one before and I thought he would get bored and leave but he didn't. He was very patient and showed us all how things worked and I even commented that I wished this type of console (as opposed to a playstation) had been availabe when they were much younger as I think it would have given us hours of pleasure as a family. They all agreed.

I did get the opportunity to sit down in private with S16 and talk to him about what happened yesterday. As he is Hs latest form of weapon against me I thought it only fair. He was extremely shocked when I told him what had happened and clearly had no idea what has been going on. When he went to live there he told H that he didn't want to know what was happening with the D and H has clearly used this to his advantage. He asked me several times why H was doing this and I told him I didn't know other than wanting to see me out on the streets. As he knew nothing about anything that has happened since he left here I had a lot to backtrack on in order to enable him to understand how things had got to the stage we reached yesterday (at his request). He did ask how he could change things and I went through the only 3 options: come home, split his time between me and H, leave college and get a job. I made it clear that I definately don't want him to do the last. I also made it clear that he had to do what was right for him but he had to understand that in doing so there were now definate ramifications for me and his sisters. I think he understood this. What was good about this conversation is that he listened, he asked questions and for the first time in a very long time he didn't try to defend H. In fact he openly told me some things about H that I didn't know but may prove to be useful information in the days going forward. He did not choose to come home today (and may never choose this) but my son has always been a thinker and I know he will go away and cogitate on this and come to a decision that he thinks is right. I'm prepared for that decision to be totally different to the one I would like him to make but at least now he can make a decision based on all the facts.

D14 also went back to Hs tonight. However considering her original affirmation not to spend any of her bday with either me or H I think I can consider that she spent the best part of it with me and I'm so grateful for that. Tomorrow H has organised a party for her at his new rented accomodation. Outwardly he says it is her bday party but actually it's just an excuse to have people over to show off the accomodation. She has not been allowed to invite any of her friends, everyone on the guest list is in Hs family. So BIL and his family will be there (his kids are much younger than mine0, MIL and two of Hs aunts will be there (one with her husband and one by herself), S16 (and prob his GF) will be there. D19 has not been invited (as she remarked today but thankfully made clear she knew it wasn't D14s fault). H has even told D14 to make sure her room is tidy as people may want to look around the house! So I think I can clearly state that after nearly 4yrs H is still most definately in replay.

I'm really worried about S16s education. He is not revising for his exams, isn't sure whether he wants to go to uni (which is fine) but equally does not know if he wants to get a job either or even if he did what he would like that job to be. He has learnt from H to be an avoider and so when I tried to discuss it with him he clammed up saying he didn't know what to say b/c he hadn't thought about any of it. Surprisingly even this conversation remained calm. Something is clearly bugging him (and has been even before today) and I know that whatever it is he will be putting to the back of his mind hoping it will go away (I even told him that I knew he would be doing this) as this has always been his way of dealing with uncomfortable issues. He is on the verge of being a man and yet seems to have no drive and ambition to take his life forward to give himself something to be proud of. Being a parent in the first place is not easy (at least not for me) but being a reluctant absent parent is breaking my heart b/c I feel that I am letting him down at the one time in his life when he needs me.

This post is already long enough so I will finish there. Thanks if you read this far