How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

how do you all get over the loneliness? I've had my wife or my kids in my home every night for 11 years. now i hate even coming home at night because it's so quiet.

i know people say to stay busy and concentrate on yourself, but i don't want to go out and do the "bar thing". the rest of my friends are all married. it depresses me to go around them. i had my kids last weekend and had a bbq with the kids' friends and their parents over. i couldn't help but look around and all i could think was that one person was missing. my W.

I was taking my daughter home the other night to her mom's, my first wife, and she told me she wanted to tell me something that she wasn't going to tell anyone and i asked her what that was. she said she was sitting there talking to her friend and she almost asked where WAW was.

i'm doing good with the detaching as far as not calling or contacting her. But i can't help thinking about her. she was here every day of my life for 11 years.

i see the flowers it took her 11 years to get as big and beautiful as they are now and i think of her. cuss her , in fact, because i've been taking care of them. don't want to give her the satisfaction of me letting them go to hell.LOL

all the decorations in the house are her.

son had a ballgame last night and on the way to the field i had to drive right by her new house. in a town 45 minutes from where i live and 1 1/2 blocks from OM.

i'm a very outgoing person, always have been, but right now i just don't want to go do things. i'm a country boy and enjoy my peace and quiet under the shade tree with the grill going, radio on, and cold beer in my hand. doing that right now, in fact. but i've never had to sit here and do it by myself.

i just want to go back to being me. i'm kind of a spazz. i can't sit still and always have to be doing something and enjoying things. since "the bomb" the enjoyment of everything has been lost. friends call and want to do things and i don't. mostly because the conversation always comes around to WAW. it's not their fault, they are just concerned, but then i'm depressed and no fun the rest of the night.

just wondering on any suggestions. tired of being bored and lonely. the weird thing is, the only days i don't really think about her is when i have my kids. i thought those would be the days i would, since she is their mom. but when i'm with them i enjoy our time and don't think about her. unfortunately, their time here is far too few and far.