Divorce looming #14

[25yearsmlc]

Kev,

Speaking of not liking this new site...I can't find a post I sent you yesterday....wacky. Shoot...Um, to sort of sum up, don't read into the wife's "kindness" at all. I mean, it is NOT a bad sign but it's not anything, yet. You two are having normal conversations like adults. Yay. You might get served div papers this week, or not. Maybe she wants to lessen the blow, or or maybe she needs another sum of money to pay the L to finalize, or maybe she just wants to have a civil R with you so you two can try to co-parent these girls together and for now, that's the best case scenario you should hope for.

Why else could she be kind to you? Guilt? Olive branch? She may feel your neediness levels are not so high so she can MAYBE feel comfortable around you, so that she's "allowed" to be kind w/o fearing you'll start up with the pressure and pursuit again, so dont' force her into being a "beeotch", just so YOU don't get confused by her half decent behavior or courtesy. Make sense?

It's progress in that you guys can speak to each other and not fight, So use THAT as a goal instead of having the ONLY goal being "Get Back Together...." that's NOT DBing. Goal setting related to the R is about small steps like these, and then building on them. Set a goal of, for instance, "in the next month, have ONE conversation with w that does NOT solely relate to the kids...." and see if that can happen. OR "Go a week without a single critisism from either parent"..... Of course, DO NOT BRING UP R TALK...(I think you have that one down pat, but just a reminder)....so, those are the types of goals you can achieve that get you towards the overall goal, & you can achieve them and feel good about, and maybe build on, to lay a foundation for friendship with your w, then respect, co-parenting, etc and who knows where that will lead? But if your goal is an "All or nothing" GET HER BACK type thing, you'll set yourself up for feeling like a failure all the time, you'll get frustrated or sad or angry and that just creates a whole cycle of feeling bad and then NOT projecting an appealing image, etc.

So the easier you are to be around, the better. And neediness and clingyness ARE NOT easy for her to be around and she has outright said so....so back off as you have been.

The detaching, to the extent you have done it, and "getting on your own two feet w/o NEEDING W" has helped your R with her already. SO keep it up and don't start telling her about how much you miss her, or what YOU WISH or NEED or WANT or the "good old days and what you once had",
b/c 1) it will NOT help you reach ANY goal, and 2) she does NOT see it that way....AT ALL....Right or wrong, her "camera lens" about the past does not match yours. And Besides, that M IS over. If you are ever to reconcile, and stay that way, you know you'd have to start over fresh so why keep looking back?

You are not in limboland, (except legally, and that will end soon in all likelihood.) As I said, She may need another payment to her L to finalize it and maybe she sees no rush since you are out of the house and not in her face and she feels she has some breathing room (Which is what I'm hoping....).

So She asked about the other groups probably to avoid awkward moments running into each other and between you two, and that was smart AND considerate. Also it points out that YOU are indeed going to be back on the market soon, sooo... if she likes shopping...you'll be on the market too..(BTW, Now is not the time to remind her that you will always see yourself as m to her. Trust me on that. You don't HAVE to date, but you also don't HAVE to tell her you are sitting around waiting for her THAT will STOP ALL PROGRESS FOREVER in my opinion....(please see that you are making progress by NOT telling her those things and by getting on your own two feet).

You really do have to BE AND ACT "as if" b/c you are resigned to the divorce (everyone in the world knows you don't want the divorce , so NO, she won't think you actually are glad about it....but YOU DO ACCEPT what is happening b/c it is reality even though you wish it weren't so and here's why you must show her that you accept the end Kev...),

b/c you AGREE that the UNhealthy dynamics in the old M MUST END and THAT IS HOW SHE MUST SEE YOU AS PERCEIVING ALL THIS B/C ONLY THEN COULD SHE EVER BELIEVE M TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, COULD BE BETTER OR DIFFERENT. BY YOU CONSTANTLY SAYING "BUT OUR M WAS [i]SO GOOD" & I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND WE WERE SOOOO HAPPY[/i]", YOU AFFIRM HER BELIEF THAT YOU ARE THE SAME OLD NEEDY & DELUSIONAL GUY, AND SHE DOES NOT WANT THAT SAME GUY...hope you get what I mean.


Instead, we want her seeing YOU working ON YOU and IMPROVING for REAL and FOREVER...Why? B/C 1) it is healthy behavior, and it is morally sound behavior, and 2) your kids desparately need it from YOU, and 3) it is probably the only chance you have of ever convincing her to give you guys another shot.

If she's dating more OM....(I think that it is a great sign if there are more than one OM, b/c then we know they are NOT "soulmates" blah blah blah and that she is shopping and if you do the DB things, she might see YOU ARE IN THE MARKET TOO and starting to look pretty darn good.....) IN TIME

IF you stay on track and make the changes you and God make, then we know that you have 2 things NO OTHER MAN on the "market" has....

1) Your children. You are the ONLY MAN on earth who cares as much about those little girls as she does. That's a biggie...

2) GOOD HISTORY TOGETHER AS A FAMILY...good memories will resurface AND NEW GOOD ONES will be created b/c from this day forward, the courtesy you both show each other, and the "'friendly" conversations will lead to friendship and the foundation for more, which I wrote about above.

Don't freak out if you get the papers. As I said elsewhere (or in the post to you that disappeared??) maybe for you two to reconcile it does require a divorce. Maybe that's the only way she can see that the changes you make/made are real (cuz why would you still NOT drink, and stll act so much more mature and fatherly to the girls AFTER the divorce, if those changes are not real?

I mean, if you do get divorced, YET you are still "the new and improved Kevin, it will PROVE to her that YOU ARE THE NEW AND IMPROVED KEVIN AND THAT ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE A MAN LIKE YOU.... you will have countered ALL the negatives her family said, and she came to believe (and some of them were true anyhow and needed changing soooo) and what are they going to say or think then? (Okay they probably won't think THEY were "wrong", but they MAY think you have changed b/c you have/are and in the end, they want what's best for their grandkids and if you become the "right guy" why would they oppose it? Your mil is already sending out olive branches so keep that in mind. Standing tall and being a good dad IS working....and for now, that's gotta be good enough for you, b/c God takes care of all that other stuff).

Hope you understand what I'm trying to say. The dang post I wrote was long (even for ME and that is saying A LOT) so sorry if I am repeating myself OR doing the opposite...yikes..

Oh, PS BOOKS---aside from "Blue Like Jazz" (the faith book I mentioned and how not to misuse our faith and how to see others as God does, etc) and the million other books I and others have suggested, well YES I have YET ANOTHER BUT THIS ONE YOUR KIDS CAN ALSO READ and then you can talk about it and bond and all that. It's a series by Rick Riordan (who also does a series like John Grisham novels, but that is not the one I'm referring to...obviously).

Anyhow Riordan wrote a series of children's books that my d11 read and then d20 read on the trip and also liked AND MY H read them and now they are all discussing them. THey read them all on the trip so I guess I need to read them also but here's the kicker Kev... In the books, (a series and the first of the series is "Percy Jackson and The LIghtning Thief" (or maybe just "the Lightning Thief") and the main character is a kid (Percy Jackson) and he has some powers from Zeus, and or other characters from mythology (this will also help your d11 in school as the first book was assigned reading) AND child psychologists have long said that in Div the kids feel really powerless....so in this series the KIDS have powers, and good triumphs, etc. which might make thtem even more appealing to your d's , PLUS YOU can talk to the girls about what is happening in the book or what might happen next and my h read them WITH INTEREST and said they were entertaining to him. He discusses the books on the phone with d11 every time they talk. So, just another idea for a "family book" club thingy. And so what if your w reads them too? (Do NOT suggest that!!) I'm just saying if she does, good. If not, then it's your own daddy/daughter thing. Win win...

Have a good weekend.
(( j ))