WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Because she did something "physical" to your son, I would really watch that. You should speak up and put your foot down if it happens again. I called my W out about her anger and told her that she needed to deal with her own issues and not take her frustrations out on our Ds. Her face literally drained and she said she didn't realize what she was doing.

Sometimes they need that "slap of reality".

Your sons didn't choose this. She did. She has to deal with what she's doing and not take it out on you or them anymore.

In terms of your ILs sitch, I'm not surprised she sees you in a hostile light based on her experience.

[confusedinpa]

I actually saw my wife today. Not planned but she called a couple of times this morning and then sent me an urgent text to call her (I couldn't answer as I was in a middle of a meeting). It turned out my 7 year old got sick at school so he needed to get picked up. They are with me so I told her that I was at one of the other plants so I was about 1.5 hours away.

She said that she could pick him up but would need to get back to work as she had to finish auditing a 400 page report. I told her that she could just take him home (not her apt) and will be there in about 1.5 hours.

When I got there, she was sitting on the couch and my son was resting. I thanked her and she suggested on a few things that I should give him. I didn't have all the the stuff so she offered to pick it up and bring it back. Then she asked for some advil as she wasn't feeling well.

I noticed she wasn't wearing her "pseudo" wedding ring (her real wedding and engagement rings stopped fitting her about 3 years ago so she got a pseudo one until her weight stabilized to the point we could get everything refitted). Stupid me asked her about that. She said that the pseudo one didn't fit now as her fingers have gotten really thin (where as she gained 20 lbs). It's very odd, but they did look very thin. Anyway, I commented about how it looked like she lost some weight (she's been trying to since she moved out 5 weeks ago). She said she lost 4 lbs so it must have all come off her fingers. Takaing Sandi's advice, I said she looks really good to me with a smile.

We chit chatted a little more, before she left to pick up the stuff. She did mention about how she had an appointment last nite, but didn't elaborate, nor did I ask. I wasn't sure if she was waiting for me to ask. I really hope it was for the right kind of individual therapy, but only she knows. Oh well, whatever.....

She brought back everything that was on my shopping list and I thanked her for helping.

She then called later in the day saying she could pick up our 3 year old if I wanted to just stay home with the 7 year old. I told her that I had already gotten him and were on the way home. I said I wished that I would have gotten the call earlier as my 7 year old got sick in the truck (of course the plastic bag had a hole in it) so it was all over the back of the truck. She said she was sorry and I heard myself say that she didn't have anything to be sorry about (I think I over stated there....)

Anyway, after baths, I had my 7 year old call her to tell her how he was feeling. She called me back about 45 minutes later asking for computer help. The boys were still up watching a movie so I just told her that I'll find out and let her know.

I think the biggest thing today was during dinner, my 7 year old, who has been stuffing his emotions about the entire situation, cried when my 3 year old starting being angry about how mommy still hasn't come home yet (my 3 year old is VERY expressive of how he feels about it). I saw my 7 year old crying and I hugged him and told him that I understand as I'm sad about it to. He said I had told him it was ok to be sad about it. I said I know and it is and I started to get teary eyed too.

I'm not happy that my 7 year old was sad, but am glad that he's at least starting to express it instead of constantly saying he didn't want to talk about it.

I guess this is a case of be thankful for the little positves.....

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

Because she did something "physical" to your son, I would really watch that. You should speak up and put your foot down if it happens again. I called my W out about her anger and told her that she needed to deal with her own issues and not take her frustrations out on our Ds. Her face literally drained and she said she didn't realize what she was doing.

Sometimes they need that "slap of reality".

Your sons didn't choose this. She did. She has to deal with what she's doing and not take it out on you or them anymore.

In terms of your ILs sitch, I'm not surprised she sees you in a hostile light based on her experience.

Stuck,

I did call her out on it when she was living her on how short tempered she was with our 3 year old (our 3 year old acts just like me, but looks just like her, where as our 7 year old looks just like me, but acts just like her). Back then she just started venting about how he doesn't listen and then shifted about how I don't understand as I don't deal with all the stuff that he does in the morning as I leave for work before it starts up. Now she doesn't have that excuse any more as I deal with it the same amount.

The difference is, they don't do it when they are with me. Not sure if it's because my boys know I have a zero tolerance for it or if they are acting up considerally against her. Either way, I don't have a problem with them.

I think she knows it as she's always complained to me about how they don't listen to her. She has often complained aobut how she gets up at 5:30 AM and still can't get out the door for work till 7:30 AM. I get up at 6:10 AM and we're out the door by 6:55 AM. I know she spends about 45 minutes more than I do to get ready, but she says they won't get ready by themselves. Again, I don't have that problem, but that's been the case even before she moved out. Although I see/sense that my 7 year old is acting out now where as he never had before.

My therapist had suggested I get him in for some therapy/counseling. I'm not sure about that.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Don't know why I'm struggling so much this week. I think its because what little hope I had is fading before in my heart. I'm sure I imagined the hope and reality is just sinking in now that its going on 6 weeks since she moved out

I stayed home with my boys today as my 7 year old was fighting a stomach bug. I had him call her last nite to let her know how he was doing. Tonite when he tried to call, she wasn't at her apartment. Of course all the negative thoughts are running through my head again

I think this is why I haven't had the boys call her. I don't want to know what she's doing. It hurts more now than it did 2 weeks ago. I just don't get it. I thought its suppose to get easier, not harder

I feel powerless as I know there is nothing I can do about her. I know that the only thing I can do is make me the best CIPA I can be. I still don't see how this will get her back when she isn't around.

I want to pursue but know everyone will break out the 2x4's telling me that's just going to push her away. Pressure will not help here. It hasn't before so I would have to be a fool to expect different results. She knows my feelings haven't changed.

Maybe that's part of the problem. She may think that I will be waiting forever.

I did get the child support stipulation from my lawyer that I need to get her to sign. I just need to figure out when to bring it up. Any suggestions?

[volleydog]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change

Her

courage to change the things I can

You

and the wisdom to know the difference.

What you need to learn. You have the KNOWLEDGE of what to do you need the WISDOM to use that knowledge.

It doesn't GET easier you have to make it easier by what you're doing. If you sit around and wish and hope it will, it won't, it takes a lot of work.

[confusedinpa]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change (Her)
Courage to change the things I can (Me)
and the wisdom to know the difference.

What you need to learn. You have the KNOWLEDGE of what to do you need the WISDOM to use that knowledge.

It doesn't GET easier you have to make it easier by what you're doing. If you sit around and wish and hope it will, it won't, it takes a lot of work.

Thanks Volleydog,

The day after she moved out, I had bought a plaque of that and hung it in one of the spots where she had taken a wall decoration from in the kitchen.

I look and read it everyday (along with a couple more that I had hung up to fill vacated wall space).

I'm guessing the wisdom you are talking about is the knowledge that I will feel powerless if I try to change her as the only person that I can control and change is myself. I just don't know what I'm changing into. Part of me wants to take the easy way out of changing back to the emotionless, whatever it takes person that got me through growing up in the streets of Brooklyn. But I know that's wrong as it will not make me the Dad or the example I want to be for my boys. So I will stay on the "high road", no matter the pain that I must endure.

I just don't understand why I can't stop getting emotional over the last couple of days (since Weds when she said she had an appointment so she couldn't make our 3 year olds Baseball and the phone call Weds nite where she took to heart what I said about giving false hope to my boys will just add to the hurt). I've really got to get it under control. My 3 year old gave me a big hug tonite with a kiss saying he hoped I feel better. I asked him what he meant. He said from feeling sad.

While he was playing video games, my 7 year old saw me looking at houses on the web and asked me if I was ok as I was sad. I told him that I may have to sell the house as I was running out of money but we will find a new home together (the 2 boys and I). He started crying as he didn't want to sell the house as he liked the house. I told him that I will try my best but if I have to, we will pick out a new home together. Tonite, when I put him to bed, he started crying about it again. Maybe it was wrong for me to tell him, but I didn't want to lie to him. In hindsight, I think I shouldn't have told him......

[confusedinpa]

This morning looks like it will be a beautiful day. I hope my 7 year old is over his stomach bug. The boys and I are planning on going bowling this morning and catch Monsters vs Aliens at the matinee. Last nite, my friend reminded me they were having a picnic at 4. My goal today is to enjoy my day with the boys without mentioning my wife.

She never called my son back last nite. I don't know what she was doing or who she was doing it with, but need to remind myself its none of my business. She filed for divorce and moved out. I'm not giving up but that's the reality. The part that hurts me the most is that on Weds nite, she complains that I never have the boys call her. So I did last nite and she wasn't in. Its almost like she was trying to get me to call as she knew she wasn't going to be in to try to hurt me. It did, but also my 7 year old (my 3 year old didn't understand)

I wound up calling my friend (who is having the picnic) last nite to keep myself from calling my wife. They are the retired couple that were both divorced and found each other. So they are both the "give up and move" on mindset. She said my wife on Sat (during the boy's Bday party at my house) acted like a guest, not like she belonged in the house. She thought it was odd but had respected my wishes of no one talking to her about it

Of course my friend kept pressing that I need to just let go and move on. There was no hope and holding on will just make it harder for the boys and I. I should just sell the house and stop hoping for hope. Part of me is afraid she is righ. The other part doesn't believe her. The only one who knows if there is hope, besides my wife, is God.

I'm really sad this morning again but my goal is to be strong in front of my kids. I'm not going to have my boys call my wife unless they ask (they never have yet). If she wants to say goodnite to them, she can call (like I do if she doesn't call)

I will need to pick myself up and "Live, laugh and love like there is no tomorrow"

Any encouragement will be appreciated

[antlers]

Hi CIPA.

Time. You just have to survive while some time passes. You're in crisis mode right now, understandably. Stay busy. Enjoy your kids. We don't know what the future holds. But you have to get stronger, for your kids if nothing else. I know it hurts, and I know it's devestating. Many people have gone through this, and they made it...you will too! It takes time, you can't rush it. You also have to force yourself to leave her alone, and I know it's hard...but it's absolutely necessary right now. It's easier to wallow, and hurt, and be sad...it's a lot harder to do the work and get stronger and better. Do the work!

[confusedinpa]

I am just so weak/stupid at times

The boys and I were driving back from bowling when she called. I could have easily not answered but I did. She said she just passed us going the other way and asked if we were coming back from bowling. She chit chatted a bit but I really didn't want to hear it so I just asked if she wanted to talk to the boys

I passed them the phone and they each talked to her. My 3 year old asked why didn't she come to bowling with us. She said it was because she had to go grocery shopping.

She didn't say anything about why she didn't answer last nite. This is heart breaking.

I didn't talk to her after this. I was feeling more upbeat until she called. I have to detach - for myself and the boys.

I've got to pull myself together as we will eat lunch then go to a movie before the picnic

Its going to be a busy day

It hurts

[antlers]

Go dark! It will provide you with space to detatch. You gotta get stronger, for your kids, and for yourself. It's harder to do the work than it is to stay weak. Do the work. Reconciliation won't happen without change in you. You gotta put space and time between you and her...and work on yourself. Then, it might be possible. But, don't just do it to reconcile...do it because it needs to be done.