One of our close friends mother died on Thursday and I sent my wife a text asking her if she had purchased a condolence card. She rang and told me "I have but we are not an item anymore so I did not put your name on the card".
I was hurt by this and ended the conversation. Did this look like pursing, as in hindsight it probably does, though my intention was a 180 in anticipating buying a card when in the past I would not have done?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
A 180 would have been to buy a card, sign it with your name only, and send it in...and not call her about anything.
I agree. 2nd best would have been to respond to her "we're not an item anymore" text with a "I know, that's what I figured, but just wanted to doublecheck before I picked up this one. thanks!"
Hi Mark, I agree with PDT and Antlers. No need to ask her, just do it and not include her.
Here is the pattern I see with you and the Mrs. Mark.
Now listen hard here because you do this again and again and again.
Mark, you need to stop looking to her for reassurance. Everytime you do this, she discourages it and you get upset.
SHE IS NOT IN A PLACE TO GET BACK WITH YOU.
RIGHT NOW, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH YOU UNLESS IT'S FOR YOU TO DO HER A FAVOR.
So, for your own sanity, you need to keep poking yourself in the wounds and stop hurting yourself. You know it hurts, you test it, poke it, it hurts.
Are you hearing me? Re-read your posts if you need to. It will make sense when you re-read.
Mark, you keep asking her to come back, in your own way, and you expect her to change her answer. It's not going to happen. Not unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off her and put some time and distance between the two of you.
Anticipation is not about fulfilling her every desire, wish, everything at her command. Anticipation only works when she wishes to participate. Otherwise, it's wasted energy and from what I read, you are depressed and your depression saps your vital energy.
So, by all means, anticipate your children's needs. Anticipate your down periods by doing things that you enjoy. Better your life with volunteer work and job hunting activities. Improve your mood with fitness and healthy exercise.
But LEAVE HER ALONE. GET HER OUT OF YOUR MIND.
I am saying this so that you can save yourself from more heartache.
Put 'saving your marriage' for another day. Give yourself and your W a break.
This is your 180. Do something different. No more pressure on you or on her.
I hope you can understand where I am coming from.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Here is a thread by Kevin4Dallas. 25yrsMLC wrote him some really good stuff. I think the advice is key because you and Kevin are in the same timeframe.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi Mark, I agree with PDT and Antlers. No need to ask her, just do it and not include her.
Here is the pattern I see with you and the Mrs. Mark.
Now listen hard here because you do this again and again and again.
Mark, you need to stop looking to her for reassurance. Everytime you do this, she discourages it and you get upset.
SHE IS NOT IN A PLACE TO GET BACK WITH YOU.
RIGHT NOW, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH YOU UNLESS IT'S FOR YOU TO DO HER A FAVOR.
So, for your own sanity, you need to keep poking yourself in the wounds and stop hurting yourself. You know it hurts, you test it, poke it, it hurts.
Are you hearing me? Re-read your posts if you need to. It will make sense when you re-read.
Mark, you keep asking her to come back, in your own way, and you expect her to change her answer. It's not going to happen. Not unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off her and put some time and distance between the two of you.
Anticipation is not about fulfilling her every desire, wish, everything at her command. Anticipation only works when she wishes to participate. Otherwise, it's wasted energy and from what I read, you are depressed and your depression saps your vital energy.
So, by all means, anticipate your children's needs. Anticipate your down periods by doing things that you enjoy. Better your life with volunteer work and job hunting activities. Improve your mood with fitness and healthy exercise.
But LEAVE HER ALONE. GET HER OUT OF YOUR MIND.
I am saying this so that you can save yourself from more heartache.
Put 'saving your marriage' for another day. Give yourself and your W a break.
This is your 180. Do something different. No more pressure on you or on her.
I hope you can understand where I am coming from.
Mark,
I've not been able to succinctly put my finger on it, and then I read this. THIS is what you are doing, and what is causing your pain.
I hope you'll re-re-re-RE-read this, and print it out and save it, and then follow PM's advice.
I know this hurts. I also know it needs to happen.
I read your texts and you're right, I am still trying to please my wife, pursue her and look for appeasement. I must drop the rope withh immediate effect as I know as PM said I am only useful to her when she needs something. My whole mindset is set on her - where is she, what is she doing, who is she with. I must stop this as it is really self destructive to me, it also is incredibly hard to move forward thinking about her all the time.
I am going to assist her with removing an old carpet from the marital home as I had agreed previously, but I am going to tell her that after that I am only going to assist with the children...period. I am setting that as a boundary, ideally I would like to cut back on physically seeing her when I pick up or drop off the children, but unfortunately I have no other option.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I read your texts and you're right, I am still trying to please my wife, pursue her and look for appeasement. I must drop the rope withh immediate effect as I know as PM said I am only useful to her when she needs something. My whole mindset is set on her - where is she, what is she doing, who is she with. I must stop this as it is really self destructive to me, it also is incredibly hard to move forward thinking about her all the time.
I am going to assist her with removing an old carpet from the marital home as I had agreed previously, but I am going to tell her that after that I am only going to assist with the children...period. I am setting that as a boundary, ideally I would like to cut back on physically seeing her when I pick up or drop off the children, but unfortunately I have no other option.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
