Last weekend was a busy weekend. Saturday bought a car for our D. When we got home D had a date so I thought Mrs. 5 and I would have a "date" also. Old Cinco was in the mood to spin some vinyl on the Hi-Fi so we got out Mrs. 5's old Rod Stewart albums. I'd forgotten how really good those recordings are.
After a couple of albums and a couple of drinks we went out to eat. Unfortunately I think we got food poisoning and it spoiled the evening for us.
We had a late Sunday night "makeup" session but it wasn't the same. Too much of that same old "chore" feel.... sigh.
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Mrs. 5's part time job fell through so she is not working at all again. She I think doesn't want to work at all anyway.
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I think what kills me the most is that I seem to be left behind. Most of my friends here, that I have known for some time now, all seem to be having success. I have tried so hard to make my marriage better and it is still stuck at square one. Small improvements but never what I really desire. I want so much to join you all that are making real progress.
About 2 weeks ago we had that one night that gave me hope. Now I think it was just an anomaly. All I am doing is annoying her. She can't figure out why I want this so badly. I won't give up... but I may have to give up on her.
I love giving my affection, however it may just end up being to some other woman now. I'm so tired of this wrong fit that we have. I know what I have to offer is desirable to some woman out there who has been dreaming of the same thing that I have dreamed of. I dream of loving and being loved and it feeling right. I can't fight for a love that is not there. I want it to be there with her and it just isn't.
Sometimes I wish I had never awoken from my darkness. In the dark, I fooled myself into thinking it was "normal". I didn't think about intimacy and I didn't feel much at all. Emptiness has the advantage of not hurting, at least not the pain I now feel. Don't get me wrong, I do have feelings of joy now but I have a lot more sadness and desolate feelings and bouts of loneliness.
I see happy couples showing affection to each other and I wish I had the same thing. It seems like such a simple and natural thing... I just want that too.
