Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Maybe the quickest and most effective way to change how you think or feel is to take an action. I've stayed pretty busy over the last couple of days. It seems to trigger different feelings and perspectives. Staying busy is much better than sitting around the house waiting for your atttitude to change.
"What you focus on expands."

Your spot on there antlers. Astimegoeson, you'll find those other things your focusing on come natural. You don't have to create the 'busy work' in order to dull the reality of your situation. I think that's the principal behind the 'fake it till you make it' advice.

I do better if I stay busy. I did lots of yardwork over the last 3 days, and it looks good! Vincas, zinnias, petunias, and cypress mulch have made my flower beds look better than they ever have! And my kids enjoyed playing outside from the time they got up until after dark every day.

I'll welcome it when it comes naturally.

The reality of the situation SUCKS big time! Anything thats good for me, that helps me get better and stronger, I'm all for it.

Incidentally, I saw on another thread where 25 said..."We are all what we say and do." I thought it was insightful and dead on!

[antlers]

PositivelyMommy stated on another thread, to paraphrase, that a reconciliation wouldn't happen unless you put the work in yourself, take the pressure off of your spouse, and put some time and distance between the two of you. Then, it's possible.

I think it's good advice.

[mnt_dreams]

Great advice - simple and concise. Words to live by.

[antlers]

I agree. She's hurt, and she's pissed. And I'm dark. Only communication, and very minimal at that, is texting concerning our kids. Our kids are living out of two households, and they have been since Feb. 22nd. I'm in better physical shape than I've been in in 17 years...and so is she. I don't know...seems like a long, long way off...if at all...if we'll wind up together again. I do miss her, and the care that she once had for me. But she's not in my life right now, and she might never be again. I'm working at being the best dad that I can be for our kids. I've said it before, but it's a damn shame that things have to get so bad before we pull our head out of our a$$. If I had known then what I know now, we'd have been in tall cotton for a long time...and things would have been so much better.

[Astimegoeson]

Hello antlers,

There you go kicking yourself again!

I'm almost 4 years into this situation and she only started warming up to me for the last 11 months. It's to late for me because I no longer desire her, we are divorced, but at least I'm getting the respect from her I think I deserve. If not as a husband, friend, and lover, at least as a human being and the Father of her only child. That's a boatload more of what I was getting from her in the past. I'm not one to say.. 'told you so', but it's sure sweet vindication.

It will come in time. It always seems to in one form or another (divorced or not). To much history together. They do eventually pull their heads out just like we pulled ours out. It's just to late for some of us by the time that happens.

[antlers]

Hello antlers,

There you go kicking yourself again!

I'm almost 4 years into this situation and she only started warming up to me for the last 11 months. It's to late for me because I no longer desire her, we are divorced, but at least I'm getting the respect from her I think I deserve. If not as a husband, friend, and lover, at least as a human being and the Father of her only child. That's a boatload more of what I was getting from her in the past. I'm not one to say.. 'told you so', but it's sure sweet vindication.

It will come in time. It always seems to in one form or another (divorced or not). To much history together. They do eventually pull their heads out just like we pulled ours out. It's just to late for some of us by the time that happens.

Hi Astimegoeson.

Yeah, sometimes I still do. I have a conscience though, and I truly regret my past behavior.

Been thinking about a vacation I'm going to put together for the kids and I, and it's another big step for me. We always took good vacations. Always. As far as respect goes, I've got to learn to respect and love myself more than I ever have. 'The Golden Rule' is actually based on the premise that you first 'love' yourself!

I hope I can get stronger while the time that you mention passes. We do have a lot of history together. I do hope she will heal and 'pull her head out' just as I have pulled my head out. Some days, as you know, are harder than others. I still struggle, it still hurts, but I'm committed to coming through this crisis a better man and a better father. I still find it hard for me to deal with how badly I hurt those who were most important to me.

[Astimegoeson]

Good attitude antlers!

I took my boys on vacation for the first time by myself two summers ago. We went twice last summer and I have some plans for us this summer. We have an absolute blast and I enjoy their company so much. I didn't even pause to think how different it was without her and I don't think my boys did either. A vacation would be good therapy for you and your kids.

[antlers]

Good attitude antlers!

I took my boys on vacation for the first time by myself two summers ago. We went twice last summer and I have some plans for us this summer. We have an absolute blast and I enjoy their company so much. I didn't even pause to think how different it was without her and I don't think my boys did either. A vacation would be good therapy for you and your kids.

I'm working at it. Roller coaster...sometimes up and sometimes down...and sometimes spinning! I feel OK sometimes, and it disappoints me when I have down times.

Spring Break was the first time we went anywhere without her, and it was hard for me. I hope this summer vacation that I'll do better. I love my kids, and I enjoy their company. But I'm having a hard time with my 12 y/o daughter. She has a lot of anger and resentment towards me.

[Kenn]

Hey Antlers,

Cause and effect.....

I know what you mean about feeling like you let someone down. I am the same way but as time goes by I start to realize that some of my actions were caused in part by the way she was engaging me.

I mean short of someone that was totally verbably or physically abusive is there anything that warrants one person walking away without trying?

My wife says she worked on our marriage for the last five years and nothing worked. Wow, because only once in that time did she say she thought there was a problem. I set up an appointment for a MC, gave her my schedule, the phone number and said, "I don't know your schedule so all you have to do is call and I will be there" That was 18 months before the walk out date. She never made the call. A week later things were normal again and we seemed happy up until 6 months before d-day.

So the other day we talked (not a good talk) and she told me that I abused her for 15 years because I worked shift work. That I betrayed her since I didn't try to get off shift work. That I hurt her career advancement because...yep you guessed it...I worked shift work. Which really all this means that I wasn't around as much to take care of my child.

So what really took place over the last couple of years was a stagnant marriage where we stopped focusing on us and put too much focus on daughter, just went through the motions, started to seperate without noticing that we were growing apart.

this thread seems like it is about me but what I am really trying to show is that yeah... I wish I would have done things differently BUT I wish she would have read a book or two also, I wish she would have approached me also, I wish she would have taken a little time away from her personal intrests and spent time with me, I wish she would have set lets go make love more often too.

I don't know if you have seen too much of my threads but I feel that I got to a point where I was doing anything and everything to make my wife happy and she got into a habit of just taking more. Just like on the Marriage Builder Website where they talk about "the giver and the taker", I think I got to a point where I started to resent that.

So is it all your fault? Mostly likely not! Are there things we could have done better? Definitly yes! Would it have made a difference if the other partner wasn't on board? I don't know.
Do we wish things were different? yes! Are we trying our best? yes. What more can you ask for?

Hang in there buddy. I miss the family and the fun side of my wife but I know now there is no way I could go back to someone that hasn't realized she played a 50% role in this. And I also know that I don't want to be in a realtionship where it hinges on me doing all the work.

[antlers]

Hi Kenn.

Cause and effect...right. I did cause a lot of damage to those I loved over the years.

I did let them down, especially her. My actions were caused by my own insecurities that had nothing to do with her.It made me resentful and angry.

I was pretty verbally abusive at times. I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't have the tools necessary, I guess, at the time, to know how to deal with the problems I had. I vented my anger and resentment at those I cared about the most. She put up with a bunch over the years.

She reminds me of the WAW that Michelle writes about on the homepage. I think back over the years, and she put up with more than any 10 women put together would have. I was such a prick and an idiot. Denying that truth won't help me get better. I was very wrong, plain and simple, and now things are what they are as a result. I do wish that she had made a different choice, such as 'threatening to leave' if things didn't improve.

She has a lot of painful memories from over the years of things that I said and did. I never laid a hand on her in anger. She was truly a great wife to me.

Our marriage stagnated also and we quit focusing on 'us', especially after our smaller kids were born.

I do wish I had done things differently. I wish to God I knew then what I know now. I wish I saw and felt and thought about things then like I do now. It was overwhelmingly me, and to deny that would be dishonest.

Yeah Kenn, I read your posts...and I like them. She was always the giver, and she gave a lot...until she decided to leave.

Overwhelmingly, it is my fault. I know 'it takes two', but I really screwed up. That's one reason why this is so difficult. There are many things I could have done better...and I know it would have made a difference...another reason this is so hard. I am doing my best now, and I have learned so much.

I intend to 'hang in there'. I miss her, and I miss our family being together. I don't know if I'll get another chance or not! But I needed to make the changes that I am making regardless. I hope she'll forgive me in time and heal, I hope our kids will forgive me and heal, I do believe that God has forgiven me because I have truly repented and have genuine remorse and regret for my behavior, and I'm still working on forgiving myself. She has a tremendous amount of anger to work through. I basically didn't have the compassion that I should have had towards those that were most important to me. I'm so sorry for that.