I think you touched on something important for me.
While I know I need to work on me (today I made an appointment for IC next week), I also really struggle with my communication with H. I spin so much. I think part of my trouble is my attempts to get it "right." I am withholding so much and I am so guarded. I felt very clear that I needed to do this for my own protection and to DB well. But, perhaps it is too fear motivated. A while back, I said on SP's thread something to the effect of "scr*w the WAS, you can't live in fear forever." And, it felt really good. The point wasn't to go apesh*t on WAS or stop being rational and mindful but to cut it with the deer in headlights bit.
You've got me thinking. I am still so mortified by the current events. I can't even believe I'm surprised over and over by behavior that is utterly consistent in its irrationality and erratic-ness (is that a word?)...I am still afraid of him leaving even though he's gone. And since all of his stuff is here and he has exhibited so much interest (when he's in town) in being here and with the kids, I think I keep holding onto that last thread before we really take it all apart for real.
Honestly, Looking back, I think H is having an identity/mid-life crisis that started 6 years ago (when he left before) and he came home too soon and now is finally scratching that itch. Not sure, but it really has helped me to read about it and have empathy and understand his impenetrability and to come to grips with the likely time frame and prospects. It has now been 5 months since the bomb (though the emotional separation really started a while back).
So, how to communicate with him right now is tricky. I do have empathy but I am rarely completely honest with him. My understanding is that it would be a bad idea to be honest. But I also know that I need to cut the fear out of the equation and get real. I have had a couple of interactions where I have been able to deal with sticky stuff ($$ etc) in a very matter of fact and upbeat way, that felt really great to me and different from the past.
