New around here...

[hopeful_cb]

Journaling....
I have been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure things out. I was thinking about keeping in contact with H but without any pressure and without him thinking I am desperate to work things out. So maybe i can do like what was suggested and keep a similar distance as he is to help in staying with the nor pressure thing.

I want H to see I am self confident, GAL and not dwsperate to ahve him back. I am more positive than before--this i have done for me. I was tired of being so negative and getting so worked up about all the little things that don't matter. I'm sure nobody would enjoy being stressed and annoyed that much of their time! I have let go of a lot of things and my perspectives have changed. I feel happier and so much better for it.

I feel I do need to keep the 'machine running' like you said judy, being completely dark did help me detach some but I don't think at this point it is helping my sitch at all, I don't think H is missing me. I'm sure maybe on some level he was feeling the loss and guilt but he is very good at getting on with it and pretending nothing is wrong. He just found a replacement for me in all the activities we used to enjoy doing together to help him 'get on with it'

I do feel stronger now in general. And even when things go really bad it has not taken me as long to pick myself back up and get back on track. I just need to keep doing that as hard as it is.

So if I do have any contact I will keep it light, fun and no pressure and end it first! Really got to practice that last one.

Things to remember and keep working at:

1. Don't bring up OW, can't change his mind about it being wrong, don't waste my time trying.
2.If its not going to help my sitch, Don't do it/say it.
3.This is our time not only to grow but shine...as was said in previous post.

@stillloveshim ah, didn't know about your 3 year old! I'm sure that must be hard on you guys. With no kids I guess I have no reason to see H regularly. I also definitely think the past has shown that I fall into the 'out of sight, out of mind' category with H, this is his way to 'cope' and if I am honest is probably not a new thing as I'm sure he has dealt with other problems with this 'method.' And I wish I could get my 'pretty little face' back into his head and I wish I knew what he thinks so great about her and beat her at it! Gosh, how do I find this out??

@Kara I definitely feel more of most the things you said--capable, empowered, self sufficient, resilient (not sure about the fabulous!) through all of this.

H does want to be friendly and wants to be able to talk and stuff, so maybe some contact would not be pursuing? I think he may agree to go out and catch up, he already said before he would be up for doing something fun/no pressure. however, after our last conversation/backslide I had with him I think it will be a while before he contacts me, etc.

After all the talk the other night I was feeling like 'I'm over all this drama!!' And sent H a friendly text to clear the air--no response but did have a short email exchange w H today. Him saying 'the weather is nice, hope I have a nice weekend, he can't wait for a day off, going for a drink tonight, catching up next week would be a good idea, its important to talk, glad we can'

I just said general small talk, kept it short and said I appreciate that we can talk still. Hope that didn't come off sounding too bad.