Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

[JKL2009]

Great post.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen.

[BigJohn]

OK, fair enough. Just know that "I need space," to a wayward woman, really means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."

Puppy

Agreed. This was my interpretation as well.

[BigJohn]

Thanks for the feedback. I am an analytical person by nature which is a great trait most of the time... except when trying to understand a woman!

[BigJohn]

Thank you Robx for a great post. I am inclined to take the direction you suggest after doing easy going/friendly/positive DBing the last week and a half. This has reduced the stress for her and allowed her more private time to think about things and be friendlier towards me but not much more.

Here is what is currently going on: 1. She admitted today to resumption of but now infrequent phone/texting contact with OM. Says that this contact is an escape from dealing with our current situation and is not impacting at all her ongoing appraisal of our relationship and future. Then states that it would really be great if she could hook up with OM in the future and have a life together (with my kids in another state). Then states that she's in love with OM. 2. she claims to be fearful of recommitting her heart to me only to be trapped again if I relapse into my bad habits. (I believe this is a truthful statement.) 3. She strongly believes that no one including me can change who they are. 4. She goes on to say that every time she thinks of a future with me, she feels significant anxiety. She says she could live "day by day" and tolerate me/us, but this is not appealing to her. 5. She repeats that she could be very happy single since she has gotten along without me for the last several years. 6. She said today that she remains not interested in working on our marriage- she refuses to look beyond our past history and my personality. 7. She disclosed that she has been thinking about plans for being a single parent and mentions a possible goal of accomplishing this by the end of next year.

My choices at this point seem to be to try and compete with the OM and try to fulfill her needs (my therapist supports this idea) or severely limit the amount of overall contact I have with her. Trying to fulfill her needs seems like the intuitive thing to do. But frankly I'm tired of her weakness and her willingness to continue to cheaply trade our family's future and well being to nourish this fantasy relationship. As I told her last night, the OM has invested NOTHING in the relationship except words, vague promises, grins and giggles while she's gambling all of our lives on the table to get off.

I have a strong personality by nature, a healthy ego and lots of confidence- so I can absorb some degree of punishment if needed. I also have strong Christian beliefs as does she; neither of us believes in divorce, however the fantasy and dissatisfaction with me is overriding this sensibility in her right now. And I don't know how long OM is going to keep things going with her- I know he has told her she has to divorce me before she can have "all of him". Apparently he has told my wife that he is dating other women for fun in the interim- she is fostering some jealousy but appears for now O.K. with this arrangement.

Right now, I'm concerned that I am not being patient enough or being the bigger/better person in trying to resolve our issues for the greater good- maybe I haven't given it enough time? Should I continue to DB for awhile longer before "going dark" and/or cutting her mainly out of my life? Do I need to start last resort tactics now? Her overall attitude is really pissing me off- she has the mindset of a real loser right now. I would be greatful for any feedback!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hey, at least she's being bluntly honest with you. Damned disrespectful, but honest!

Puppy

[PMA_Baby!]

WOW! I actually would consider you pretty lucky compared to most LBS's on this board. My x denied everything and didn't explain one damn thing. Your WAW told you exactly where she stands and what she needs.

I suggest you read up on going dark, GAL, PMA, 180s. Dont initiate any calls or txt answer any at your convienence. Take the time to work on you and your relationship with your kids. Think of it as your W taking a Sabaticle for at least a year. A lot can change on both sides over that period.

Keep on reading these boards for advice. There's a lot of good advice in confusedinpa's threads.

Good Luck. PMA

[BigJohn]

WOW! I actually would consider you pretty lucky compared to most LBS's on this board. My x denied everything and didn't explain one damn thing. Your WAW told you exactly where she stands and what she needs.

I suggest you read up on going dark, GAL, PMA, 180s. Dont initiate any calls or txt answer any at your convienence. Take the time to work on you and your relationship with your kids. Think of it as your W taking a Sabaticle for at least a year. A lot can change on both sides over that period.

Keep on reading these boards for advice. There's a lot of good advice in confusedinpa's threads.

Good Luck. PMA

Thanks PMA. I don't see any problem in focusing on myself and the kids right now, although I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now about how my wife's behavior could affect them if she chooses to escalate things- as in the case of confusedinpa.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

I would contend that her behavior is affecting them NOW.

Don't think for a second that she isn't modeling for them what some of their future behavior and beliefs are likely to be, if left unchecked.

You're already IN a quandary. The question before you is, which fork of its road are you going to take. The principled on that you can at least partially control, or the unprincipled one that your wife seems to be on right now.

Puppy

[BigJohn]

WOW! I actually would consider you pretty lucky compared to most LBS's on this board. My x denied everything and didn't explain one damn thing. Your WAW told you exactly where she stands and what she needs.

I suggest you read up on going dark, GAL, PMA, 180s. Dont initiate any calls or txt answer any at your convienence. Take the time to work on you and your relationship with your kids. Think of it as your W taking a Sabaticle for at least a year. A lot can change on both sides over that period.

Keep on reading these boards for advice. There's a lot of good advice in confusedinpa's threads.

Good Luck. PMA

PMA,

Your mention of my wife taking a "sabbatical" has me thinking again as to just how much my past behavior/attitudes/actions are really driving our current crisis vs. my wife's involvement with the OM. According to her, if it wasn't for my pre-existing "problems"- which she didn't become fully aware of until the OM provided such a strong opposite contrast to- she would have been able to resist falling in love with the OM in the first place.

I remain committed to making the positive changes that I need to make for myself, but I am becoming skeptical as to how much I am really a factor in regards to my problems with our marriage. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps part of the issue has to do with some "unfinished business"/unresolved issue(s)my wife has with the OM, an ex-boyfriend from 20 yrs ago. I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself somewhat, but if there is any validity to this suspicion, any ideas on how to go about resolving this issue AFTER I address the changes I need to make?

I've already informed my wife that I plan to succeed at making the needed changes myself and remove these as excuses for continuing the affair with the OM- to which she has replied (in essence) that while I may perceive being successful with these changes doesn't mean that she will. I have also discussed this suspicion of unresolved business with the OM with my wife and have suggested that perhaps she needs to take the summer off- and leave the kids here with me- to go live with her parents and address whatever her problem is with this guy. I know, it's a ballsy thing to even suggest (and definitely not DBing) because it will probably lead to a PA, but part of me is getting impatient with all of this crap, especially this "one year plan" of hers I mentioned in an earlier post. I'm not one who takes to being "used", especially when I'm told in advance that is what she plans to do. I can play "chicken" all day long with her, do my changes and hopefully ride this stupid EA out or we can cut to the chase now and deal with what may be the inevitable. Of course, my wife's response to the above suggestion remains "I'm not going anywhere without the kids" which is stupid, because she would dump them off on my in-laws while she played around with the OM. (OK, maybe this is her cake eating again.)

I guess I'm feeling a little torn right now because I'm getting feedback from some friends and family members telling me that the only resolution they see to this crisis is for my wife to fully jump into this fantasy relationship, get burned big time then experience the "loss" of her husband/marriage/family- which could very well wind up to be a permanent, not temporary loss. They reason that we might as well cut to the chase now so she can get a head start on learning this "lesson" while I deal with the loss head on and maybe move on with my life.

I'm frustrated with my wife! She acknowledges that she can't control herself not being able to cut contact with the OM but thinks she can still think clearly about our relationship. B.S.! Her responses to many of my questions about the OM lead me to believe that a part of her KNOWS that this guy does not represent a viable, healthy long term relationship. Yet at the same time, she keeps telling me she continues to come to the same conclusions about me and not wanting to spend the rest of her life with me. Then she says things to me about her "one year plan" (which by the way was said in the heat of passion- if that means anything).

She makes comments about not wanting to work on our marriage and hating me. And then later, telling me that she has to get to a point where she can access her resentment and hatred in order to consider forgiving me. She has acknowledged in the past that she understands and accepts that at the end of the day, she may wind up with neither her husband or the OM. She has said before that she could be perfectly happy living alone with just our kids with no man in the picture, however this is also stupid because my wife is not one who could live alone without a male companion. All of these mixed signals have me questioning whether to "go dark" completely or continue trying standard DB techniques for awhile longer.