D1 was acting sassy this morning. \:\) She was eating hash browns and walking around the nursery giving pouty looks and reaching for more of the daycare worker's food. Today is her last day in the baby bed room... she moves up to nap mats next week and will be with a different worker.

OM was outside this mornings. It appears he is picking up quite a bit of weight himself... possibly sympathy weight or stress-related if W truly is pregnant.

Journaling:
My internal date of June 1, 2009 for positive traction from W is fast approaching. But given the quite possible BPD diagnosis, I'd have to ask what that means for me should I attempt to resume our relationship... in the Stop Walking on Eggshells book it discusses "coping strategies" for the non-BP which basically consist of extreme tolerance, patience, and understanding which would make the best DB'er here walk away without trying. I can love W, and I can be sympathetic to her plight, but ultimately I can't save her. I can't rescue her from her internal demons. She will have to make that decision on her own - independent of what happens to our M.

I try to convince myself that what we had was real... but I'm looking back and wondering. Did she really love me? In her own way I'm sure she did. In a desperate/needy kind of way - it was her deepest desire that I would be able to fill the black hole of despair within her. But things did seem so right at times... and at other times - even when things were good - I felt that something was a bit off.

Yet I want to save my M... it just falls way down on my list of priorities, and given the reality of my situation I'm just not sure if that is a rational want to have. So I just let the logical/analytical/legal part of me run the show, establish a winning strategy, get custody, then set the pace of what I choose to do in the future.

I won't meet with my IC again until next month sometime... but I'm trying to suppress my hurt, anger, and sadness as much as I can. I haven't DB'd "perfectly" but I've pretty much out of desperation done it 95% by the book. I just find it hard to accept the emasculating proposition that I'm supposed to passively stand by while W annihilates our family and tries to drag me down with her drama.

"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."