Man Overboard

[The Wifey]

ANYTIME! So, who is kicking in the next $100? Do I hear $200?

Hey, the other possibility is for the two of us (or more if other people want to meet up) could go some place that we meet at.

[The Wifey]

They have fish in all the states, and my pole & tackle box travel well.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I was really struggling today, mostly with the "how could he just walk away from the kids" blues.

DH finally decided to surface early this afternoon and called to see if the kids and I had plans for this afternoon. I told him nothing except church. He forgot it was Weds. What about tomorrow? Mom and I are taking the kids for dinner (Banana splits for dinner). Oh, what about Friday? Well, there is a concert at the beach. Sunday? After church, we are going to go see the military force and air power display at the beach. {disappointed} Oh. Look, when we do not see or hear from you for four days, I do not know what you want to do and I made plans for me and the kids. Well, I had duty yesterday. I know, but that does not account for the rest of the weekend, and since you did not answer your phone or call back when D9 called, I looked for things to do to keep the kids busy. I didn't have any messages in my phone. No, D9 said she did not need to leave a message, you had caller ID and would know to call the house Oh. Look, she is upset about you being gone and not telling anyone you would not be here, especially since you told her how you would be seeing them all the time at her C appt., that your "friends" were not more important than them, but here it is the first long weekend since you got back and you disappeared again. Well, yeah, I will see them more cause the ship is not going anywhere. But did you tell her that or did you say that you would see them all the time? I guess I might have said it like she told you, but that is not how I meant it. But she is nine, her perception is different than an adult's. Do you see how she could have taken it to mean you would be spending your free time with them? Yes, I see how she might do that. I guess maybe we need to have a set visitation so that you will be able to plan. If that is what you want, then we could do that. I suppose you are content with seeing them one day a week and every other weekend? No I want to see them all the time. Well, that is not how a set schedule works. I just want to make it easier on you for planning. I don't need it any easier. I will continue to make plans. I told you before the kids and I are moving on with our lives. It is up to you to determine how you want to fit into them. If you want to see them today, we do not leave for church until 6:30-6:45. Well, if its not a problem, I will be over around 3:30. (bright and cheery) Nope, not a problem at all. We will see you when you get here. (some other stuff was talked about, too, but it was all logistical--I did mention about my going away to visit friends and not taking the kids. He told me I did deserve a break and he would take care of the kids, just needed dates.)

Things went smoothly before dinner. I mentioned that S3 was a booger today and said it would probably help if I could let him get outside to play, but with no gate, I am hesitant to let him out. DH said he would get the stuff needed to fix it and get it taken care of. Dinner was delicious, DH stepped in on some discipline issues and overall things were good. I mentioned where we were going for dinner tomorrow and then let him know mom said she did not mind if he joined us but that he needed his own banana. He seemed pleased at being included.

However, I ended up in a real funk on the way to church trying to figure out what was so awful that he needs to walk out on me, on the kids, on our life together. I was struggling for peace and strength by the time I got to church.

The last Wednesday of the month, my church does an entire service of praise and worship. One song brought me to my knees and I prayed and prayed and talked to God and begged him for something to give me the strength to go on.

God obliged and I clearly heard--Stand firm and see the deliverance I have brought you.

I came home from church and DH was still here, had washed up all the dishes from dinner, bagged up the trash, and bought the things needed to fix the gate that has been broken since last summer. He got the kids ready for bed and I listened to D6 practice her reading with bedtime stories while he sat with us all. When he left, he said he would see us tomorrow.

I found the Scripture God gave me at church--it is 2 Chronicles 20:17--

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

So, here I stand, living life for me and the kids, including DH when he wants to be included, and waiting on the Lord to bring this to completion in His perfect time.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[mishka422]

SMW, I'm continually amazed at your stand. God has brought you this far and is clearly telling you to continue. Aren't those songs that make you want to stay on your knees a wonderful gift?

The convo you had with DH was extremely strong and clear. There is no way he mistook anything you said to him. BRAVO!

I have absolutely no advice, but I am here for you. Reading along. Being a listening ear. Thank you for all of your loving support.

[cire2]

I must say VERY IMPRESSIVE!

From an outsider it does look like something still stirs in DH heart. He's still cooking.

cire

[FaithfulH]

SMW,

Keep up your awesome walk! I remember many times early in MY walk that I would come across scripture or just feel the Lord was speaking directly to me....and I had this strong sense that my W had been on this path before me....almost as if she had left markers along the trail. Our walks are our own...we MUST walk them alone....but, I believe that we signs of others that have gone before us. Keep leaving big footprints so your DH can find his way!

For others who haven't heard this yet, here are some of the lyrics from Mat Kearney's new song "Closer To Love". Here's a link to the music video... Closer To Love. I believe it describes clearly what many (most) of us are going through:

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

[Coach]

SMW, It sounds like you handled the dialouge well. You let him know that this won't be a cake-walk (cake-eaters aren't welcome at this banquet.)

However, I ended up in a real funk on the way to church trying to figure out what was so awful that he needs to walk out on me, on the kids, on our life together.

This is a struggle isn't it? You recognised your shortcomings and are addressing your issues. You have made healthy positive growth for yourself. Don't fall into the if I do this then I will fix us trap. You can't change him. Here is when you have to self-validate because you are not being validated by DH. The funk - caused by doubts about yourself.
How to de-funk:
Pray
Make a list - all the positive growth
what you are grateful for
all the people who love you
stay busy
do something nice for someone else.
read "Oh the Places You Will Go" - Dr Suess, to your kids

You are handling it. It's OK to get in a funk, lose focus and feel bad. Self-awareness of it is good, then feel it and keep moving.
Cheers
Coach

[S.T. _I Made It!]

you did wonderful SMW. and thank God for his perfect timing. Now I understand more your text.

and remember, it is not the present he is walking out on, it is the past and it is himself. You are showing him now that the marriage can change, and that HE can change too. He will see that this is not the old marriage, but a new marriage that God is building for you both.

you ARE a marvelous woman.

[The Wifey]

SMW

Sorry I missed your call last night. Lately I've been a night owl, but crashed before you called.

You might try a gratefulness journal. I know how grateful you are for the grace of our Lord. I date each page, have to fill a page, and continue the numbering from #1 and on. Right now I am up to #89 of things/people/experiences I am grateful for. It really helps me a great deal, especially when I am shaky or in a funk.

I love the part of him having to fit into your/the kids' schedule. REALITY is a wonderful thing.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

SMW, I'm continually amazed at your stand. God has brought you this far and is clearly telling you to continue. Aren't those songs that make you want to stay on your knees a wonderful gift?

Please do not be amazed by me but by the awesome God we serve. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to quit and God pushes me back to my feet and holds me up until I can do it myself. I love praise music. I have it on in the house all the time. I am also blessed in that we have an amazing praise band at our church, led by a former American Idol contestant. Her passion for the Lord comes out in every note she sings.

The convo you had with DH was extremely strong and clear. There is no way he mistook anything you said to him. BRAVO!

I doubt DH mistook anything but I also doubt if he REALLY HEARD me. I am thankful that he is at least stepping up on helping with discipline. Four kids is a lot to manage all the time by myself and unfortunately, right now, DH not living here is part of the discipline problem.

I have absolutely no advice, but I am here for you. Reading along. Being a listening ear. Thank you for all of your loving support.

I return this statement to you, too. And that offer still stands if you can ever get away.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW