I so empathise, with all your feeling... I really get it, and I am in the same space, but you know part of the thing with this, is just deciding... that you dont HAVE to make any hard or fast decisions on how you feel... if you are anything like me, you probably feel differently every week right? you know, thats ok. I know its unfuriating but its also OK. I dont bother much talking about how I feel about x anymore bc its not true = i may feel differently tomorrow.
you will work thru this at your own pace and time, but its fine to just decide your too tired emotionally to TRULY decide how yo actually FEEL about anything right now. and maybe not for ages. I am like you - mostly id like to win so the stupid OW doesnt win. I understand thats not a good enough reason and its really beneath my belief system too, and I feel quite ashamed of that - theres no integrity there, bc I bet she felt the same about ME when she was wooing the ex, and i want NOTHING in common with HER. so i am at the stage atm where I remind myself, i am nothing like her and I would never stoop to her depths, i will rise above feelings such as those and feel v differently later on. on my good days, I dont care less if she wins or NOT and even hope they ARE together. in a way thats pretty damn good revenge.
but in themeantime, we do what we have to to just survive.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
