PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[25yearsmlc]

PM,,
I'm torn...first off while I want to slap your MIL's face, i also want to pat YOU on the back for a convo WELL DONE...well I do have two hands, don't I?

Second, for reasons you and I have discussed ad nauseum it seems, you are SO RIGHT NOT TO TELL THE KIDS about the A....good grief when will the LBsers stop pretending it's about "truth and honesty" and admit it's about punishment and OR hoping that guilt will bring the WAS back? It backfires 100% of the time ON THE LBSer...and is just plain lousy for the kids, at least according to the experts who wrote "What About the Kids?" I say this b/c it comes up on your post so often I feel like I'm selling the dang book. But it's like my mom telling me my dad drank too much. DUH! I did not need HER telling me what a loser he was, I'm half made up of HIM and of all people, I wanted HER to be above reproach and never look vengeful, which she did. And was. SO....I suggest others buy the books on this topic and see if kids your age "need to know" and if so, what? (or if at any age and if so, whether it should EVER be the LBS er who tells on the WAS...even the terms bother me..."tells on")...

Does anyone REALLY think the kids will then say to the LBSer, "OMG! You are goodness and we ONLY LOVE YOU and we HATE THE WAS and will pressure them to return to YOU"....??? I mean, that is NOT what happens. Instead, it triggers all sorts of negatives from the WAS about the LBSer to justify their A's and often fractures the R with the kids and the LBSer as the kids seek justification for the WAS actions AND want to blame the lbser so the kids won't feel that they are rejected too....better to blame the LBSer than think that WAS is saying he does not love THEM...

Please please Just ask a child psychologist before doing so and I say this not to you PM, b/c you 'get it" but to those who continue to urge you on that path...so NOT DBing and SO NOT needed. As if your kids won't figure it all out.

My d20 has a bf who just realized 6 months ago that her parent's M, and her father's NEW M "overlapped" and she now sees he had A with stepmom.... and she now sees her mother in even better light for restraining herself from the alienation that would have caused. I SAW THIS WITH MY OWN EYES AND IT VALIDATED SO MUCH OF THIS Point of View..wish I could have that friend come onto this board as a d of a div and an A, and step mom, and the whole dealio. All these years of the dad lying to his d has taken a huge toll on their R (now interestingly, d never asked her mother why they divorced and maybe if she had, things would be diff but for SOME reason I find intriguing, she did not choose to ask...) but if HE had told her she would have felt so much better about HIM but he was a coward. NO she does not hate her mom for not telling her, she honors her mother for not putting her (the mom's) anger ahead of d's r with her dad. Makes sense to me...oh, stepmom is in R hell and deserves to be. In fact the R's that man has with ALL his kids suck. And that is sad. His d lived with us last summer after finding out (it has been 9 years) and the bio dad came to MY house to lecture her about college and blah blah blah and she never told him she knew the truth...(WELL on that weird tangential note....)

Anyhow, job well done. You are an inspiration. Sometime I'll think harder about a letter you can write to the MIL that stays strong but puts this back ON HER so she doesn't go down the PM is being vengeful route...which will be so tempting. Oh and gee, your h sure is a gutsy guy. LOVE The way he has handled his mom and everything soooo above board. Am glad you extended the invite to her to come and visit, brilliant idea. Repeat it if you want. I think she needs to see them and you can even suggest that you KNOW she is "concerned ABOUT HOW THE KIDS ARE DOING SINCE THIS HURTS THEM SO DEEPLY IT IS TRAUMATIC NO MATTER HOW MANY 'FUN' THINGS GRANDMA HAD PLANNED..." And also, YOU are too damn busy for HER guilt and I DO think she has some...but it's wwwwaaaayyy ddddooooowwwwnnnnn ddddeeeeeppp in her heart. Way down.

Like where your h's guilt is.

HUGS!!

J-

(Good luck to OW enjoying that R)....

[Can it work]

PM,

I completely agree with your decision not to tell your kids about the OW. However, this isn't because I've spoken to psychologists or read about it in a book. It's because as I've told you already, when I was 10 my dad was having an affair and it broke my parents marriage wide open. As soon as the M was over, my dad introduced us to OW. That was one of the worst experiences of my childhood. To this day I still feel dislike towards the woman who did that to my family. The break up I could handle but was too young to understand the affair.

Your kids will learn about your H's affair in due course but only when they're ready to understand it. IMO they will be ready to know when they understand enough to ask the question themselves. Right now you're completely on the money in your opinion that telling them right away will just breed hatred. One thing at a time PM. That's enough for any child.

Kev X

[PositivelyMommy]

H came by today to pick up the kids for dinner bc our C said that he needs to see the kids more after breaking news. D7 wants to see where Daddy lives so he said he would take her. I, obviously, was not invited so I took the oppty to call up a girlfriend and have dinner out with her while H took kids out to dinner by himself. For the first time. EVER.

Well, I brought up the trip to MIL's again since last time we spoke, he has asked ME to look into exchanging tickets or postponing trips or whatever. I told him what I found out, which was of course there would be a penalty if dates were changed. etc. He did not look happy. In fact, his whole face changed. I know what he is thinking, 'This is going to cost more money and it's because PM won't take them like she said she would. And I don't have time to do it now, I have too much work.'

Anyway, same old too much work routine. So now he is worried about money as well. Good. This is the FIRST TIME EVER I had said NO to him or his family. And THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

I know they will try to convince me to change my mind. I know my H is hating me right now for causing so much trouble and put the burden on him to take kids to see his mother.

But I DON'T CARE.

I think I am so close to DETACHMENT.

In fact, I think I like it when I stand up for myself. I like it that H is NOW FINALLY beginning to suffer the consequences of his choice to leave me and so he has even more parenting to do, as in tonight with the kids on his own and maybe even taking kids to see his Mom.

I don't think he realizes just how much I did so that he has all the free time to pursue his high-flying career. Now, I am taking a step back and he has to step up as a father.

Good, the kids need a father. We will see if he will step up or give up.

[PositivelyMommy]

It's a funny feeling. This 'coming out' to the kids has left a lot of pressure off. I don't have to worry about them asking me where Daddy is, how come his car isn't here, where are his clothes etc etc. Now I can relax a lot more and not have to worry about being 'caught' all the time. I don't know how ANYONE can have affairs and be secretive, it's SO MUCH WORK!

But I feel much lighter!

In fact, it has made detaching a lot easier. I really don't care where H lives. I have not asked and I don't intend to ask where Daddy took them or where Daddy lives. So what if I knew, what difference would it make? It would only hurt ME!

I am sorry guys, but I am having second thoughts about trying to win H back. I am detaching. My life is pretty good. (I have no lover, or partner but I believe that will come in time.)

I am thinking, why not instigate a D? Not to win H back. But just to divide up the assets etc and start fresh.

I know this is a DB website. But am putting out there to weigh out the pros and cons.

Why not?

[25yearsmlc]

It's a very fair question...when my idiot brother left his 1st w, he ended up spending MORE time with their daughter. Ironic. He's a better dad now, but that is not saying much. He missed a lot of her childhood (was missing it anyhow, prior to the div) and does not know what he missed. Literally. But he's starting to get that I think. I THINK. She graduates this year and her stepdad (oh, btw, my brother did my ex sil a HUGE favor by leaving her b/c she is so much happier now than she ever could be with my self centered but lovable brother. He was/is just all about him. So, she ended up happier AND showing their d what a "real R" is like. Oh yes, very ironice b/c she was so heart broken at the time he left her. And i still stay in touch with her and we even vacation every other year together. Our kids are close, and it's no thanks to my brother, that's for sure).

Anyhow, you ask a fair question that HAS been asked on this site and there is a forum for it. Check it out and look for smartcookie's thread if you can find it. She says that most LBSers who finally move on and really truly GAL, TRULY, end up feeling surprisingly happy. And at peace. I get that. I really do.

((( j )))

[mdoodles]

uh, i so need to be reading this today!

i havent told my son yet, he has no clue daddy isnt home.

u are right to feel lighter though, maybe its all part of the process.

its such a process too, and from what i hear, we will be happier when we move on and meet someone else.

i would like to fast forward to that!

[Silver Fox]

Hi PM,

I'm following along and YOU are doing an amazing job.

But I DON'T CARE.
I think I am so close to DETACHMENT

I''m right there with you. Funny how it just kind of sneaks up on you.

For years (in my case) you want him back and then one day - not so much.

In fact, his whole face changed.

Oh yes, his whole LIFE is going to change now that you, as they're saying on someone else's thread, have your mojo back!

[karen43]

I don't know. I'm 100% supportive of the detachment and GALing. What we strive for here.

I've read many posts here about filing for D. Almost all those I've seen that they just knew when they were done and ready to file for D. No hesitation, questions, or doubts. It doesn't sound like you are at that point yet?

My H did file for D and I am at the point where I'm fine with it, and think it will be better to have it over. But it took me maybe a year and a half to get to this point! Karen

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks 25yrs, mdoodles, SilverFox (nice hearing from you again) and Karen.

I have been thinking a lot of home today and I am really looking forward to moving back. Thinking 75% going to be December timeframe. The 25% is if there is some cicumstance that would prevent me from leaving, like illness or whatever. There is about 0% chance that H would come back, I accept it now. Less painful than before but it's almost better because when there is NO hope, then it's easier to move on.

I told my Dad abt my convo with MIL and also about the fact that she met with OW when she was visiting me and my kids, staying at my house. My Dad, who is my moral compass and the most compassionate man I know (outside of the Dalai Lama) said that she should not have done that. That instead of meeting OW, my MIL should have respected my feelings especially since I told her how I felt about them meeting and how hurt I would be.

I told Dad that I think MIL did a very foolish thing. The fact is, she didn't really have to meet OW, MIL could have told H that she wasn't ready. MIL could have waited until we divorced or waited to see if OW was 'the one'. I think curiosity got the better of her. But because of her curiosity, she has alienated me and hurt me deeply, the mother of her only grandchildren. Stupid.

Now I can't look her in the face for a whole month without feeling MORE betrayal from that family. I could sort of understand that H is fogged out on the excitment of the affair and/or excaping the pain of our interaction over a failing M, but I can't understand how MIL could jeopardize our R of over 17 yrs to see OW for a one-time meeting. It's not like OW will be coming home to Sunday dinners with H anytime soon. It's not like OW will bear her more grandkids (my H is worried abt finances and won't be planning on more kids and I hear OW is barren, supposedly). And OW certainly WILL NOT be looking after MIL in her old age. She doesn't even know the woman, why would she be looking after her??

Also, I know that H is NOT thinking of M. So it's not like she is meeting potential DIL. H wants someone 'who doesn't expect anything from him'. So that tells me he is not looking for another wife anytime soon.

So yes, I am miffed, disappointed, broken-hearted even that MIL would see OW. My H sees it as an endorsement of his R with OW, that his mother approves.

I see it as a betrayal of my M again. We ARE STILL MARRIED!

It's just not right and I don't feel right about spending a month with her. Sorry but I don't have more to give to someone who has betrayed me.

[PositivelyMommy]

So, my H is flaking out of visitation with kids, busy working again. So again, I cannot plan my own schedule but forever waiting to see what he is up to so that I can plan on doing my own thing.

I am getting tired of this.

It's getting so OLD.

It was bearable when we were married. But to have to be 'on call' just in case he can't make it when we are S is not fun. I need a life too!

So this just tells me, moving home is a good idea. At least I know I have my kids most of the time and is not on anyone's call list.